Alls I’m Sayin’ is Juno Better Win Best Picture

Dude, do you think the quirky, true-to-life, whip smart Juno will win the Academy Award for Best Picture? Alls I’m sayin’ is, it better. The problem is, I don’t think it will. Why? Because it isn’t the kind of film the Academy likes to reward with a Best Picture. Why? Because it isn’t about some guy who got paralyzed and learned to paint amazing still lifes with his penis or whatever. And no famous actor gained 50 pounds and got ugly to play the lead role. And the soundtrack is mostly The Moldy Peaches and not some sweeping orchestral arrangement written to make sure you know that what you’re watching is An Important Movie.

So it probably won’t win. And this pisses me off.

I’ll be straight up honest with you and say that I haven’t actually seen any of the other nominated films for Best Picture although Mr. Pop Rocks and I have a date scheduled for Friday to see No Country For Old Men. I’ll admit I love the Coen Brothers, but No Country is based on a book by Cormac McCarthy whereas the screenplay for Juno was written by a former stripper whose first name is Diablo. See why I like Juno better already?

Let’s take a look at the other nominees. We have Michael Clayton which I swear to God no one has actually seen. Seriously. I don’t even remember when this movie came out. If you saw Michael Clayton, would you please post a comment here and tell me what the Hell it’s even about? All I know is it stars Dr. Doug Ross from ER running around in the woods carrying a briefcase.

Then we have There Will Be Blood. Right away I hated this film when I saw the commercial for it because the title font is written in old-timey letters, which I found to be a little too fucking precious, sorry. Also, it stars Daniel Day-Lewis, Mr. Method Actor. To paraphrase Laurence Olivier’s famous quote to Dustin Hoffman: Danny Boy, just try acting!

Then we come to the bitterest pill of all: Atonement. What is this, The English Patient 2: Electric Boogaloo? For all the guys out there who think that every woman in the world wants to drag them to see “Atonement,” here is one lady proudly saying there is no way in Hell I would ever watch this movie. (Sorry boys, I’m taken.) It looks like it’s a movie about French soldiers and death and wan-looking girls nursing their sad little broken hearts and blah blah blah. Whatever!

Okay, I had to get that out. Seriously though, alls I’m sayin’ is Juno better win Best Picture! – Jennifer Mathieu