What Kind of Vehicle Is Each Republican Presidential Candidate?

Gov. Rick Perry announced his backing of Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani this week, according to Reuters. You don’t really need to read the story, because we at Houstoned have courteously distilled its essence and will provide the key passage: “Perry likened the choice to buying a new pickup truck, saying he would not reject a good model because it had one option he did not like.”

This got us to thinking about what kind of vehicles some of the other Republican candidates would be. Oh, and we disagree with the comparison of Rudy to a pickup. We believe there’s a better choice.

Rudy Giuliani: RICO Rudy has a reputation as a tough, take-action fixer of societal ills. He cleaned up Times Square, liquidated every single homeless person in New York City, and bitch-slapped the Mafia. Who else do you know with this kind of moxy? Why, a certain crack-commando unit convicted of a crime they didn’t commit, of course.

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Sam Brownback: Fans of this dude are surely crushed about his bowing-out. These are probably the kind of people who rallied ‘round the AMC Pacer, a freakish abortion of a car that never stood a chance.

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Mitt Romney: Warning: cheap, juvenile Mormon joke X’ing. Mitt would most certainly be a car-carrier – you know, so he has room for any future wives. Get it? Because he’s Mormon? And people think Mormons still practice polygamy? Is this thing on?

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Fred Thompson: Hollywood car. Hot chick. ‘Nuff said.

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Alan Keyes: Arrogant, self-righteous, smoke-blowing. If tuna is the chicken of the sea, the RMS Titanic was the Douche of the Sea. Yes, we’re saying Alan Keyes is a sea-faring douche. It makes perfect sense. Really.

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Ron Paul: Batmobile. Batshit crazy. The best thing is, if Paul wins, his V.P. can be a Robin-like character. You know, a useless little man-child in tights.

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Mike Huckabee: Huckabee probably has platform issues and presidential goals and whatnot, but all that’s irrelevant compared to the fact that dude lost over 100 lbs. That’s like losing an entire Kucinich. To truly appreciate this amazing feat, we provided you with his before-and-after vehicle likenesses.

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John McCain: The only choice here is the Hummer. Originally designed for military purposes, it's made quite a transition to civilian life. It's a big, bold vehicle. A big, bold vehicle driven exclusively by oily nouveau-riche chode-chiggers. I guess what we're saying is, it's a double-edged sword.

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-- Craig Malisow

Click here for a slideshow of candidates from both parties.

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