HouStoned Theatre Presents...

Categories: Spaced City
HPD
"Anyone hear surf guitar? Just me?"

And now, HouStoned Theatre presents a Quentin Tarantino-inspired dramatization of today's Chron story of an alleged thief -- a thief who has preyed upon local 99 Cent stores (up to 30 of them, in fact, say police).

Curtain up, lights aaaaaaaaaaand... action:

(Thief, rubbing hands together)

"People never rob dollar stores. Bars, liquor stores, gas stations -- you get your head blown off stickin' up one of them. But a dollar store, you catch them with their 'slightly irregular' pants down. They're not expecting to be robbed. They're too busy rearranging the bulk razors to even notice.

"The managers don't give a fuck. They're just trying to get you out the door before you start pluggin' bargain hunters. Customers are standing there with gigantic packages of soap in their hands — they don't know what's going on. One minute they're trying to decide between plastic and wood hangers, or maybe they're wondering why it's called a 'dollar store' when not everything in there costs a dollar, and next minute somebody's stickin' a gun in their face.

"Pretty smart, huh? Let's do it.

"You ready, Honey Bunny? Um, Honey Bunny? Where'd you go?"

(Thief looks around, sees no one but man at counter)

"Damn, I must've been talking to myself again. I'm the only one here. Well, that's no excuse.

"Be cool, this is a robbery! Any of you fuckin' pricks move and I'll execute every last one of you!" — Keith Plocek and Steven Devadanam

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