Seriously, Hil, LYLAS

So it seems Hilary Duff is doing better than her boring, conformist former friends in Houston. The 18-year-old actress/singer/geophysicist told Self this month that she doesn't know what her life would be like if she hadn't moved. She then goes on to diss her old H-town crew:

"It's scary to see some of them now. They work so hard to be the same as one another. They all do the same things and get into trouble because they're bored. I'm so much more my own person now."

Hil, baby, let's talk. I think I know what your life would be like if you hadn't moved. For starters, you wouldn't have made either of the Cheaper By the Dozen installments, which are to film what Auschwitz was to Jews. And yes, I realize it's too easy a target, but seriously, the only movies Steve Martin makes these days are the ones with young chicks he wants to bang. Shopgirl? No, I'm not saying that you slept with Steve Martin, but it's a distinct possibility. A distinctly disgusting possibility (and not office safe, either, if ya get my drift). And it never would've been a possibility had you not left Houston.

Yet, had you stayed here, you probably would've wound up with a River Oaks sugardaddy. And you're dating that dude from Good Charlotte, which is sorta like dating a dude in a Tomball High Blink-182 cover band. So, aside from the shitty movies, I think your life would've pretty much been the same. And everyone else's would've been a tiny bit better. -- Craig Malisow