Ads like this are the only reason to visit AmericanApparel.com...if you like that sort of thing

​It's frustrating enough to shop for friends and family members during the holidays. Do I get my 80-year-old aunt a gift card to Kroger or H-E-B? Decisions, decisions.

Unfortunately, some online merchants make the process even more difficult by creating overly complicated, ugly or annoying Web sites. Instead of shopping with the Christmas spirit away from raucous crowds, you spend your time reversing credit card charges, waiting on hold for customer service and drinking whiskey straight out of the bottle. It's beginning to look a lot like IHATEMYLIFEANDWANTEVERYONETODIE-mas.

Fortunately for you, we've put together this list of the ten worst online retailers to keep you from going crazy and shooting Santa. You can thank us later...with an iTunes gift card.

You can read my list of the 10 Best Online Retailers here.

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​For a decade now, online retailers have increasingly grown their sales to the point they now rival traditional brick and mortar establishments. Let's face it, it's just easier to shop online if you have a computer, an Internet connection and a desire to avoid crowds. You can sit there with a mug full of cider (or vodka) in your pajamas (or naked) and purchase gifts for your family (or members of your swingers club). It's easy and, dare we say it, fun. Oh, we dare.

But not all online retailers are created equal. Sure, anyone can grab some nerds and throw an e-commerce Web site online, but that doesn't make it good. With the thousands of Web sites competing for eyeballs and dollars, you have to set yourself apart and it's hard to know just who is doing it right and who is making a mess. Fortunately for you, we've taken some of the pain out of it and put together our list of the best 10 online retailers.

This list does not include Amazon.com because, let's face it, they are the granddaddy of e-tail and still lead the pack. This list is the best of the rest.

You can read my list of the 10 Worst Online Retailers (yeah) here.

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​To bastardize a line from Groundhog Day, "Well, it's Black Friday...again." It's that oh-so-magical time of year when the strong walk away from predawn shopping trips with armfuls of electronic goodies while the weak get treated by EMS for boot marks left by shoppers stampeding into Best Buy.

Since 2005, the nerdy cousin to Black Friday has been Cyber Monday. Normally scheduled for the Monday after Thanksgiving, it is the day when online retailers take their shot at office workers still hungover from the long weekend and not quite ready to rejoin their fellow employees mentally.

In the case of retailers, they need it to extend what has become a kind of pathetic annual ritual for consumers. But, at least Cyber Monday has a nerdy bent to it, because we all like us some geeks, right? In honor of this most crass of holidays, I give you the five reasons Cyber Monday is better than Black Friday.

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See the whole thing after the jump

​Today is "Black Friday", so named because of the hellish throng of shoppers and cars choking the streets, sidewalks, and retail outlets all over the country. Believe it or not, up until a few years ago, "Black Friday" was an urban legend; the shopping crowd was no different than any other day between Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, now that the stores have gotten into the spirit by offering Black Friday sales and specials, it has finally begun to live up to its dreadful reputation.

We're sure you were hoping to get started earlier today and be out of the stores by now. There's almost no chance you've made it home. Hopefully you have a smartphone upon which you can view this helpful chart while you're waiting in line, and that, in turn, will help stem the tide of murderous fury rising within you. It's not worth a rampage, people. Don't be afraid to just drop your purchases and run.

See the full graphic after the jump.

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Don't expect hot, naked protesters on Friday. Think about it if you like, but don't expect it.

​When you are out picking up some toys for the tikes at the Galleria this Friday, you might see something besides chubby Santas and frustrated holiday shoppers. You might catch anti-fur protesters.

A group of animal rights activists is planning a protest in front of the Galleria Neiman Marcus store at 2 p.m. aimed at "educating" the public on the inhumane treatment of animals killed to make fur coats and the like for stores like Neiman Marcus.

The protest has become a Thanksgiving tradition for members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, owing more to the popularity of the shopping "holiday" than the sale of fur on Black Friday. PETA is known for its controversial marketing campaigns promoting vegetarianism, animal welfare and, of course, an end to the sale of fur.

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Like Blair Witch Project, but without the death and black and white photography.

​If you're wondering if it's too early to get in Black-Friday mode, no, it's not. Customers are already lining up in front of Best Buys, Targets and other popular stores for those early Friday morning openings. (Target stores will be opening at 4 a.m.) Milagros Lockward and her family have been standing in front of the Greenspoint Area Best Buy since early this afternoon. It's an annual event for her and her family.

"We want to take advantage of the sales because everything is really expensive, especially with the times now," she tells Hair Balls. "Things are on sale for a really good price, but they only have so many of each thing, so if you come later in the day, you won't find it."

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We prefer the Moons Over My Hammy

​Let's say for the moment you plan on being out early on Black Friday. Let's also say your four hours of sitting in line followed by the frenzied trampling of other humans to buy the hundred-dollar laptop and three-hundred-dollar flat screen television you are going to sell on Ebay has left you hungry and nearly broke. Well, my friend, you are in luck.

Between midnight and 8 a.m. this Friday, Denny's will be offering its Grand Slam breakfast for only $2.99. That's right, even Denny's has a doorbuster this year.

Denny's calls its Grand Slam breakfast and Black Friday "American traditions" celebrating, we assume, being fat and greedy. But, if you are feeling festive from the blaring of songs from the Wilson Phillips Christmas over local retailer loudspeakers, Denny's has something for you too, holiday boy.

You can try out the Holiday Turkey Melt, complete with stuffing and cranberry honey-mustard spread, just like mom used to make. If you have a sweet tooth, grab an order of the Pancake Puppies (not made with real puppy). They also have all the regular stuff. We are partial to the Moons Over My Hammy.

So, put down that doughnut, my good man. Throw out that kolache, dear lady, because nothing puts the "ho" in "holidays" like 3 a.m. at Denny's.

Give it or I'll punch you in the jugular

​When you are in a battle for your life, you often resort to scratching and clawing, screaming and yelling. When you are in a fight for a plasma television on Black Friday, well, you'll probably do the same thing.

Welcome to Black Friday, America's celebration of pushing and shoving for marked down sale items served with a side of sleep deprivation and shame.

As cell phones and portable camcorders (both on sale this Friday!) get smaller and more sophisticated, people are keeping them at the ready in case they run into a funny woodland creature, see a rocket in the sky over Los Angeles or witness a fight in a Wal-Mart.

In honor of this proud tradition of viral video, we bring you the top five Black Friday fight videos.

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Ho Ho Ho! Merry Shopping Free-For-All!

​Every year around this time in the United States, we celebrate a day so important, so American that it brings people together like no other day can. Around 3 a.m. this Friday, bleary-eyed shopaholics will power into retail outlets all over the country in an adrenaline-filled stupor to grab the latest in toys, electronics and whatever else they can snatch from the unsuspecting hands a total stranger. We call that day Black Friday.

As American as it may be to literally climb over people in the name of rabid consumerism, we at Hair Balls would like you to consider an alternative and just say no to Black Friday this year.

We don't want you to stop shopping in some sort of anti-capitalist protest like Buy Nothing Day. We're just looking out for your safety, sanity and wallet this holiday season.

If you still aren't convinced, take a look at our list of five reasons not to shop on Black Friday and you will see we are right.

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​Sick of corporate Christmas? Try shopping local. Hair Balls presents a 12-part series highlighting ideas for holiday gifts made and sold in Texas.More >>