Photo by John Suh

Spurkey? (Spam: the turkey version)

​Ah, yes, that mysterious block of meat housed in the blue and yellow can. In 2007, the seven billionth can of Spam was sold. On average, 3.8 cans are eaten every second in the U.S. alone. Since its inception in 1937, Spam has become part of American pop culture--it has acted in films, been acquired by the Smithsonian, and now even has a museum of its own. Indeed, Spam is a rock star.

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Not everyone's picky about how their meat is served: raw, in a Walmart, both...

​Last week, we brought you a short compendium of the dumbest fast food-related crimes, eventually reaching the conclusion that McDonald's Chicken Nuggets make people do crazy, crazy things. (Don't tell me that correlation doesn't imply causation!)

This week, we take a look at the dumb things that meat makes people do. The skyrocketing cost of beef could very well lead to more crimes of the steak-stuffed-down-a-man's-pants variety in the future, so prepare for meat crimes to increase in number as well -- the Internet already has.

After all, there's already an entire Tumblr site devoted to meat crimes.

10. A quick protein boost

We all know the story by now of the man arrested for snacking on raw meat in a Walmart. Wait, you don't? The mostly toothless gentleman above was arrested on charges of felony theft in Pennsylvania after Walmart employees found him eating raw ground beef and hamburger stew, then putting the packages back on the shelves. C'mon, guys...he's got no teeth! He was just tenderizing the meat as a favor to the other customers!

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​Ronnie Bartley is a rancher on the verge of bankruptcy after 16 years in the business. Texas is on the verge of another devastating drought this summer. And our nation is on the verge of a severely depleted beef supply.

These are the stories told in this week's cover feature, Meat Market, which examines the many reasons -- from the hoof up -- that you'll be paying more for your meat in 2012.

The long and short of it is this: Cattle are incredibly inefficient animals. For every 20 pounds of feed you give them, they produce only one pound of flesh. That's 20 pounds of feed -- which could be corn, alfalfa or other such crops -- that could be used to feed human beings. And you have to own a lot of land in order to have a profitable ranch: A regular cow-calf operation requires three acres of land for each cow and her calf.

You can see, then, why the drought of 2011 was so devastating for Texas ranchers. Not only were their fields burned up -- and without fields in which to graze, you can't support cattle -- but other crops were too. Hay, cubes and all other types of feed were suddenly rendered in short supply. Prices soon skyrocketed, and ranchers began to liquidate their herds as quickly as possible since they could no longer afford the cost of feeding their animals.

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Seriously, you guys. Enough is enough.

​When -- on New Year's Eve -- I jokingly suggested that 2012 would be the year of the Bacon Backlash, our Twitter followers were not amused.

"Why are cupcakes 'it'?" asked @Ruhama613. "Carbs are the debbil. Mo' Bacon!"

Said @T_Tow: "I will defend the bacon!"

And @CynicalHouston simply responded: "My bacon-infused whiskey inspired by your post disagrees."

But consider it for a moment, folks. Bacon is everywhere, from bacon-scented air fresheners to bacon-flavored dental floss. Aren't you sick of bacon yet?

I'm not talking about being "sick of bacon" in its typical context, either, like on a breakfast plate with eggs and toast, or on a cheeseburger, or on a BLT, or diced and thrown into a baked potato or a chopped salad. Those are all normal, all-American, delicious, bacon-related festivities. Hell, I'm even in favor of using that bacon-infused whiskey to make a killer Manhattan.

I'm talking about being sick of bacon as a worn out meme -- as a tired mascot of the overdeveloped culinary zeitgeist -- that shows up everywhere and in everything for no good goddamn reason at all.

I say enough is enough. Let 2012 be the year in which we take back our bacon! And we can start by taking it out of all the disgusting things below.

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Photos by Troy Fields

Palestinian chicken on the grill at Al Aseel.

​In this week's cafe review of Palestinian diner Al Aseel, I referred to an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm called "Palestinian Chicken" in which Larry David's character on the HBO show finds a Middle Eastern restaurant serving the best grilled chicken he's ever tasted.

David, a Jew, keeps eating there despite the restaurant's anti-Zionist leanings and -- in typical Larry David style -- even ends up sleeping with the proprietress because he finds her anti-Semitic attitude sexy.

You can see the entire episode below, if you're interested. I'm not a fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm -- which, to me, is a less funny and more spiteful, masochistic version of Seinfeld -- but millions of people are. Which is why, in the days following the episode's original air date on July 24, Google searchs for the term "Palestinian chicken" led to those viewers discovering that -- yes -- Palestinian chicken is a real thing.

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Photo by Jeff Vogt

You can even get sauerkraut on your $1.50 Costco dog!

​For the next 20 weeks, we'll be rounding up the runners-up to our 2011 Best of Houston® winners. In many categories, picking each year's winner is no easy task. We'll be spotlighting 20 of those categories, in which the winner had hefty competition from other Houston bars and restaurants.

Listen, you guys. Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen.

I don't give a shit what anyone says. The best hot dogs in the city, for my money, are at Costco. I don't have a Gold Star Membership that I split with my hetero-life-mate for the bulk socks or vats of hummus. I have it so I can get cheap eyeglasses and $1.50 Kosher, all-beef, foot-long hot dogs. For your $1.50, you also get a super-size cup of soda (with free refills!), but I'm just here for the hot dogs.

The original $1.50 price of the combo hasn't changed at all since its inception in 1985. Now, I realize that IKEA, down the road on the Katy Freeway, offers a hot dog combo of its own for $2 that's pretty damn good: two hot dogs, a bag of chips and another soda with free refills. But the Costco dog is better.

Granted, they're no longer using the Hebrew National all-beef dogs anymore, but Costco has developed its own in-house brand (Kirkland's, like you didn't know) that tastes identical. And that's all I care about. That and a drizzle of mustard on top.

But since the Houston Press doesn't have restaurant listings for home furnishings stores, this week's Top 10 list will have to focus on restaurant hot dogs only. And here they are.

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Chuck Cook Photography

Skip the grocery store and take this chicken home instead.

​Have you ever walked into a restaurant where the staff is so kind and eager that you just don't want to say anything bad about the food? Such is the predicament I find myself in.

When I read about a place called It's Ribs opening in Northwest Houston, dreams of meat candy danced in my head. I imagined a place that could make ribs far superior to any place else in Houston because that's their specialty.

The staff at It's Ribs are as friendly as you could ever ask for. There's a homestyle cooking vibe here, and any question about an item was met with an offer of a sample. Places like this represent what Texas hospitality is all about.

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Photo by John Suh

"Gobble, gobble."

​The week after Thanksgiving is often riddled with cooks across America scratching their heads at what to do with all the leftover turkey. Not to worry. Here at Eating Our Words, we offer not one, not two, but three things to do with that leftover turkey, not to mention its bones. From sandwiches to gumbo, this wonderful ingredient of the post-Thanksgiving week can do it all.

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Photo by John Suh

I dream of prosciutto pizza.

​What is it?

Pronounced "proh-SHOOT-oh," prosciutto is a thinly sliced Italian dry-cured ham. The uncooked version highlighted today is called prosciutto crudo (the cooked kind is prosciutto cotto). The most revered cuts of prosciutto come from the northern and central regions of Italy (hence the famous mildly nutty prosciutto di Parma and the sweeter prosciutto di San Daniele), but most regions in Italy make a local prosciutto. The word prosciutto is derived from the Latin word to mean "to dry thoroughly." It is made from a pig or wild boar's hind leg or thigh (ham) and takes anywhere from nine months to two years to cure.

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Delicious, simple, quick. Well, okay, maybe not so much that last one.

​Even cooks don't always want to cook. I'm not talking about those days where you really want to go out to eat. I'm talking about those "got home late, nothing in the cabinets, dog tired, just want to eat something that doesn't suck" kind of days. I had one of those recently.

My parents had asked me to go over to their house to hang out with my grandparents for the night, so that my folks could attend a lecture. I agreed, then promptly forgot about it. I remembered at around 4:30 that afternoon, with no plan for dinner. I knew I wouldn't make it over to my folks' house until fairly late. Racking my brain for something quick and not terrible to pick up for dinner, I remembered noticing some Revival Market tweets, promising phone-ahead chicken roasting. That sounded like just the ticket, so I called the shop and ordered a couple of birds ($12.95 each) from co-owner Morgan Weber, planning to pick them up about an hour later.

I left work with plenty of time to make it across town to Revival, and wound up getting there about 15 minutes early. I told the guy at the counter my name, what I was there for, and that I might be a bit early, and that I understood if the birds weren't quite ready yet. As he went to check on dinner, I walked around the small space, selecting a couple of loaves of bread to accompany the chickens, and eying some Fluff Bake Bar macarons for dessert.

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