"Well I got out of work and headed to the neighborhood beer joint / I sat around and had a beer with the boys like I always do / When the inspector told me to put out my smoke, I said there ain't no point / Something about an inspection that always makes me blue" ​

​After a slow month, the inspections have gotten comparatively dirtier. It was a dangerous week for dirty restaurants, a couple of which got stuck with citations.

Late Nite Pie (302 Tuam) burned down six days after an inspection turned up seven violations. The violations were fairly routine, and included wall/ceiling in poor repair; equipment and utensils not stored in a sanitary manner; food-contact surfaces not kept free of dust/debris (corrected on site); and no test kit to measure sanitizing solution. Sort of strange - we stopped by for the first time in a long time three or four weeks ago. All alcohol sales (BYOB) had been stopped, and the confused-looking employees gave me and my friend a whole pizza for the price of a slice, plus some store-bought fat-free ranch dressing for some reason. It was like management was preparing to go out of business. Then the place burned down. Well, there it is.

Hong Kong Fish and Seafood Restaurant (1927 Gessner) was cited and temporarily closed for 13 violations. The worse were potentially hazardous food not held at proper temperature; food that was spoiled, unsafe or mislabeled; grounds that were marred by litter or unnecessary equipment; at least one person smoking inside (see the next violator, La Curva, for exact verbiage of that violation); and neither a Food Dealer's Permit nor a Food Service Manager's Certification. A contaminated ice machine was the slime on the dirt cake.

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Wipe that look off your face, sissy, this week wasn't anything to grimace about.

​The only place to earn a Health Department citation this week was the CVS on 7950 S. Gessner, which got written up for one violation - no Food Dealer's Permit on hand. And this was a repeat. We had no idea that pre-packaged stuff from corporate distributors was even subject to inspection, but apparently you can never require enough permits. Either that or CVS started selling produce. Jesus, we're already kind of tired today, and this week's crop of reports is putting us to sleep. Bear with us, and here's hoping things get dirtier in the next couple weeks.

The kitchen at Blue Nile Ethiopian (9400 Richmond) earned no violations. The bar got hit with just one violation - no hand-drying device/towels located near at least one hand-washing sink. We had our first east African food here and have always had a soft spot for Blue Nile, so good for them.

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Just because Shirley Temple did it, doesn't make it okay.

​The Health Department posted reports on only about 50 places in the past week, and not one of those places got stuck with a citation or closure. Reminds us of when Kelly Kapowski's dad got laid off from his job at a defense contractor because world peace broke out (it didn't make much sense at the time either). One of those good problems, that leads to your family starving.

Several floors of the Methodist Hospital (6565 Fannin) were inspected, with mostly boring results. One highlight, however, was the Doctor's Coffee Bar, which earned a solitary violation, and one we've never come across: "Restricted foods served/offered for sale in a ready-to-eat form in a highly susceptible food establishment." Years of medical school and all you get is a susceptible coffee bar, an enormous salary and all the hydrocodone you can eat. All right, it doesn't sound that bad.

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I remember one time I made love, in the back of a restaurant, and the health inspector shined his light on me, and I said, "I'm strokin', that's what I'm doin', I be strokin'."

​Slow week for punitive measures -- the Health Department issued no citations and temporarily closed just one place. Looks like you'll have to get your schadenfreude elsewhere. Try reading a few stories about the former captain of the Costa Concordia, that should work.

The recipient of that closure order was Pizza Aroma Café (6285 Bissonnet). Eight violations included holding food at improper temperatures; not taking appropriate measures to minimize the presence of bugs; food-contact surfaces not kept clean of grease/soil deposits; no certified manager on duty; and no thermometer to measure fridge temperatures.

This may surprise some folks, but Chapultepec (813 Richmond, misspelled as "Chapultapec" in the report) earned only half a dozen violations during a recent routine inspection. Those included food stored in unclean or uncovered containers; food not properly protected from contamination; dirty vent filters; and ill-fitting bathroom doors. No violation for Clarence Carter on the jukebox, despite the fact that Carter is downright nasty.

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At least you know the hot dogs will be 100 percent beef.

​Watching the New Hampshire Republican debates got us thinking feeling that maybe all this regulation nonsense is just preventing local restaurant owners from realizing their full economic potential. On the other hand, what would happen to our China's hairnet industry if health departments were put out of business? And a better question -- can you even imagine Newt Gingrich making love? The horror.

Shah Food Mart (9042 Dexter) had one of the worst inspections of the last week, tallying 12 violations and a temporary closure (but no citation reported, and we've given up on even trying to understand the city's logic). Violations included no Food Dealer's Permit or Food Service Manager's Certification; operating a frozen dessert establishment without the proper permits for a mobile operation; mislabeled food; failure to provide water at 110 degrees Fahrenheit; and a host of violations relating to hand-washing sinks. If history is any indication, this closure came as a surprise, and the resulting power vacuum at 9042 Dexter will allow a new place to step in. If the owner names it Khomeini's we will fire our Russian assault rifle into the air in celebration. It'll be just like New Year's Eve in New Orleans.

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It's science, can't argue with science.

​Hope everyone had a good New Year's Eve. We spent a few hours the next day lying in a cool, empty bathtub cursing that smug baby with the "2012" sash. (Only 11 more months of this crap, then we're coming home, Acan.) The Health Department spent the end of 2011 and beginning of 2012 entering reports that seemed engineered to mystify us. See what you think.

The meat market at Droubi's (2721 Hillcroft) was closed temporarily for one violation - lack of a Food Dealer's Permit. That's a serious violation, but you don't often see a place get stuck with a closure when it's the lone transgression.

The Ruchi's at 5708 Chimney Rock suffered similarly. For two violations - wall/ceiling not in good repair and no one with a Food Service Manager's Certification on hand - the Mexican restaurant earned a citation, but no closure. (Both violations were repeats, however.) We've never been to that particular location, but we know a guy who ate shrimp at the Shepherd/West Alabama location a couple days after Hurricane Ike - shrimp, a couple days after Ike, at Ruchi's - and didn't get sick. That's a pretty strong endorsement. Hell, we'd let our kids eat off the bathroom floor there knowing that. Just kidding, we don't have or want kids. In other words, look out, nieces and nephews.

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Just for old times' sake. Diamonds and rust, Mr. Yuk.

​Health inspectors must be feeling the season -- last week saw only one citation issued and one temporary closure. Will this lead to an increase in tickets issued for noise violations/DWI/speeding/expired inspection? Confirmation bias says: Most definitely.

The unlucky (or irresponsible) recipient of the temporary closure was the Shell at 7025 South Loop East. The seven violations included failure to provide water at 110 degrees Fahrenheit, mislabeled food, ice dispensing utensils stored improperly (somehow not corrected on site), potentially hazardous food stored at improper temperatures, and employee using food-prep sink for hand-washing. An inspection two years ago revealed seven violations as well, though only one - the labeling thing - was a repeat in 2011. It's so important to try new things.

Bad week for convenience stores. The lone citation was issued to the Handi Stop on 1201 West Sam Houston Parkway North, for three transgressions: clutter/litter on the premises, no certified manager on duty, and failure to fully evacuate every interceptor or holding tank every 90 days. That last one roughly translates as "not emptyin' out them grease boxes." Some folks think grease is like a nice skillet - you gotta let the stuff develop a unique personality.

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For your holiday pleasure: An artist's rendition of Houston Press blog editor Rich Connelly, in ornament form

​In the spirit of the season, we're going to throw in more clean inspections than usual. In hard news, if it bleeds, it leads; and for the Health Department Roundup, if there's slime, it gets covered in a way we wish would rhyme. But sometimes you just want to tell restaurateurs and Subway managers, good job staying out of trouble or bribing inspectors. Just kidding about the bribes. Merry Christmas.

Branch Water Tavern (510 Shepherd) got hit with just two violations - no thermometer to measure air in the warmest part of the facility where potentially hazardous food is stored, and kitchenware/equipment was not properly washed off before interruptions in service. Hey guys.

The Little Caesars at 8118 Long Point earned six violations, which is downright stellar when graded on the Little Caesars curve. Violations included an employee not wearing proper hair protection, vent filters not cleaned often enough and, um, "Exhaust ventilation hood systems (including components) in food preparation/ware-washing area not designed to prevent grease/condensation from collecting on walls/ceilings/dripping into food/food-contact surfaces." Why does this remind us of Howl?

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Western civilization's crowning achievement

​In this Fox 26 piece, one of the opponents of the new city regulation that says cops don't need decibel meters to write noise ordinance tickets puts forth an interesting theory. Steve Bundrick suggests the new rules took effect shortly after the red-light cameras were shut down for good, to make up for lost revenue. Maybe that's a little paranoid, but we definitely noticed around that time an up-tick in the number of health inspections performed. (It's worth noting the amount of citations doesn't seem to have gone up enough to provide a budgetary windfall.) Either way, we're pretty sure Annise Parker has garbage truck crews spying on us, and no one can prove otherwise.

The Little Caesars at 10804 S. Post Oak earned a ticket on just three violations: unclean equipment; outside garbage receptacle not covered; and no manager with proper certification on duty. Apparently "Is a Little Caesars" is not considered a health code violation.

Subway at 8618 Stella Link also earned a citation for just three violations. Their issues were no manager with proper certification on duty; plastic bags/wet-strength paper bags used for outside storage; and insufficient hand-washing signs. Two chains, six violations and a pair of tickets issued? Maybe the city is grabbing a little cash by going after the corporate places - they're more likely to be able to afford citations, and they're less likely to elicit the same sympathy a small-business owner would. Or maybe these places are just particularly bad about scheduling certified managers.

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This image of Jeff Goldblum would make a nice update to the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

​We wanted to focus on Cuban restaurants for the roundup, in honor of Elian Gonzalez's 18th birthday week. There weren't any Cuban restaurants on this week's list, though, so we're just looking at Hispanic places, and we're really just doing that because more than half of the places that were cited or closed or both this week fall under that category. Life finds a way.

Mobile unit Taqueria San Luis y Zacatecas (8800 Jensen) earned only three violations, but they were bad ones. After a complaint, inspectors found the operator was not providing enough drinking water and did not have proof that the unit was serviced by a commissary. Worse, the report states "Food establishment owner/operator/person-in-charge resumed operation before condition(s) responsible for ceasing operations no longer exist." Real Talk: The city closed them down, and they reopened their shit without the city's permission. Not surprising that a citation was issued.

The bakery at Taqueria San Luis (6028 Gulfton, probably no relation to the previous San Luis) was closed temporarily but not cited after inspectors found crusted grease deposits/accumulated soil, litter/clutter/unused equipment stored on premises, insufficient pest-control measures, improperly constructed floors, and food that was either mislabeled or spoiled. Although it's not mentioned we're guessing they also found the Mexican pastries a little dry.

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