Christ wept.

When we first heard that Taco Bell was launching a new breakfast menu, we were intrigued. And, being Houstonians, naturally assumed that this breakfast menu at Taco Bell would include breakfast tacos. Foolishness and folly.

Instead, we were pained to discover, Taco Bell is making another kind of breakfast taco -- out of a waffle. The sole location to offer this new 89-cent Waffle Taco is far, far away from Texas in Santa Ana, California. (Side note: Believe it or not, we have a Santa Anna in Texas, although it wasn't named for the infamous Mexican general but rather a Comanche war chief.)

Our reaction to this news is best described in GIF form:

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Screenshots courtesy of Amanda Newman

Although Maggie Rita's has now closed all but one of its Houston locations, the flagging Tex-Mex chain continues to redefine the phrase "can't win for losing." Seemingly looking to get in a parting shot...anywhere...at anyone...Maggie Rita's lashed out at a Houston woman this week on Facebook.

Amanda Newman is a northwest Houston resident who posted last Thursday on Maggie Rita's Facebook page that she was glad the restaurants were closing. "Insulting Houston before we tried your food," she wrote, "was kinda 'dee-de-deee' of you."

Maggie Rita's responded to Newman the following Tuesday with this gem: "I thought fat people were suppose [sic] to be jolly!"

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Photo by Troy Fields

A bowl bigger than 10 stomachs.

At last count, only three people had tackled the spicy crawfish pho challenge at LA Crawfish -- and all three had failed. My friend Tucker O'Bannon was determined to be the fourth challenger, and the first winner.

Tucker eats ghost peppers like potato chips. He finishes large bowls of pho in five minutes flat. He hosts backyard crawfish boils with the best of them. If anyone was going to finish the 24-inch stainless steel mixing bowl full of crawfish pho, it was going to be Tucker.

I paid the $21 entrance fee and we waited on tenterhooks while the LA Crawfish crew scooped a batch of ultra-spicy, ghost pepper-laced pho into the bowl. A manager, Joe, paraded it through the food court at 99 Ranch to our table, where a crowd of onlookers quickly gathered to cheer Tucker on.

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Some people spent their Valentine's Day dining amid white tablecloths or indulging in a quiet, romantic meal at home. Still others spent it as any other Thursday evening. I spent mine watching one of my best friends come face to face with two feet of bread, fried shrimp and hot sauce.

"I've been training for this all week," she told me in the car as we wound through the Medical Center on our way to Beaucoup Bar & Grill, where the 24-inch-long Oh-Boy Po-Boy was awaiting its fate. My friend's eyes were flinty, her thin frame taut. She was quiet for most of the trip. I felt like I was delivering The Bride to Bill for the final, gung-ho battle of Quentin Tarantino's kung-fu western Kill Bill.

The Bride loves po-boys. She loves meat and bread, and can eat both in tremendous and inhuman amounts. I once watched her eat two steaks at Brasserie 19 and order a third for dessert. She ate the King Bubba burger at Rockwell Tavern for dinner one evening, then followed it up with half of another burger, an order of fries and two pints of beer. Competitive eaters have nothing on her normal, everyday appetite.

But even I thought that two feet of French bread and fried shrimp would slow her down.

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Vectorportal (Flickr Creative Commons)

As America is busy keeping an eye on the 2012 Presidential Election -- an election that's shaping up to be one of the closest battles for the presidency in U.S. history -- we're occupied contemplating what the people of the different parties will be munching on during Election Night (today, for those living under a rock).

While we could put out a dissertation about our views on federal spending, healthcare law, taxes, education, energy policy, illegal immigration, environmental practices, the unemployment rate and foreign affairs, we're just going to stick to what we know best: food. Because what better than to start a food fight when the rest of the country is preoccupied with swing states, Gallup polls, and binders full of women?

Here's a light-hearted look into the theoretical four-course menus (starter, salad, entree, and dessert, accompanied by a drink) that Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, and Green Party members will be enjoying tomorrow :

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Photo by columnfive

The much-touted, often dubious "Hangover Cure" has existed for almost as long as the hangover itself.

In fact, the first hangover cure is said to date to the mid-17th century, when two frat boys at The Sorbonne tried eating salted honey, plum rinds and tree bark to get rid of a vicious Natty Bo hangover. From medicines to old wives' tales, for as long as man has been overdoing it, he has sought a way to mitigate the effects of the dreaded hangover.

In Houston, at least two local eateries feature a "Hangover" menu item: Jus' Mac with its "Hangover Mac and Cheese" and Hubcap Grill's 19th Street location with its "Hangover Burger."

Both are fat-filled, ingredient-glut items aimed to sate that rolling stomach and calm the pounding skull. I decided to pack up my road-weary liver and poor life choices and set out to put both "cures" to the test.

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Photos by Molly Dunn

Pancakes hold a special place in my heart.

When it comes to breakfast, everyone always has a preference, especially when it comes to deciding between pancakes and French toast.

I am definitely on team pancakes. Sorry, French toast, but pancakes have stolen my heart. The light and fluffy cakes have endless possibilities that French toast can never live up to.

Sure, you can stuff French toast with whipped cream, jelly, cream cheese and other sweet concoctions, but that's a little over the top for me. It's more of a dessert than a breakfast dish. Breakfast needs to kick-start your day, not kick you in the gut.

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erix!

Not so funny when it's life and death.

When I was in college, my roommates and I had an ongoing debate about which would win in a fight: a fully grown male African lion or a fully grown male grizzly bear.

Obviously, if you say "lion" you are an idiot unworthy of continuing to breathe air. The grizzly bear can take a bipedal, upright boxing stance and take down the lion in a few swipes.

Spy vs. Spy, Red Sox vs. Yankees, Axis vs. Allies -- classic showdowns of consummate heavyweights that all pale in comparison to the great fruit debate of apples vs. bananas.

Just like the aforementioned epic contests, there is only one correct choice in the apples vs. bananas throw-down.

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The great pink slime food fight is over.

First the Houston ISD declared stoutly that it had no pink slime in the meat it had purchased for its children. Restaurants and schools throughout the country might have a problem. It did not, it assured parents and the public.

Then, after discovering it did, in fact, have some, and that much of it had already been consumed by all those kids, HISD sent Don Lee Farms a demand letter saying that the company breached its contract regarding lean finely textured beef.

It seems both sides have taken a deep breath. HISD has settled with the company and "Don Lee Farms has agreed to redistribute the Charbroiled 100% Beef Patties to other customers requesting the product," according to HISD spokesman Jason Spencer.

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Photo by Joanna O'Leary.

Be selective when you drink your vegetables.

I blog a lot about booze and other processed beverages, but once in a while I really do try to drink something a bit more healthful, like milk, juice (100 percent) and water (the non-coconut kind).

Smoothies might be more regular members of my healthful drink rotation if they weren't so darn expensive. Even at the grocery store, one is likely to spend at least $3 on a bottled smoothie, which is still pricy considering 1) you're only getting 15 to 20 ounces, and 2) you could easily get an equivalent amount of Vitamin A and C (and much more fiber) by spending half that much on whole fruit.

But sometimes it's preferable to drink your fruits and vegetables -- for example, after a long run, which should make one ferociously hungry but more often leaves the stomach temporarily upset. On one such recent occasion, I swung by the market for some liquid breakfast and emerged with two different emerald smoothies (both $3). Here's my evaluation:

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