Photos by Christina Uticone

Instead of a pub crawl, how about a kolache crawl? You in?

​I'm pretty much a kolache novice. Before my experience Sunday morning (after a crazy trip to cover/shop the Jason Wu for Target event) I had had exactly two kolaches: a pumpkin-filled one from Sinfull Bakery and a random kolache my husband bought me when I was drunk, the contents of which I can't even remember. Technically, I think this kolache might count as my first, and since I've driven by Christy's Donuts three times a week for two years without going in, this ended up being one cherry-popping Sunday morning.

I have to admit, I don't really know what I'm supposed to be looking for in a kolache--it seems like people have very specific ideas about what makes the perfect one, but everyone's ideas are different.

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Photos by Christina Uticone

​This Jumbo Jack Burger marks my first official jaunt into the world of Jack in the Box. I made this week's fast food journey a "Husband's Choice," and he returned with Jack in the Box. I was not thrilled. I know it's been like, 20 years, since that whole E. coli thing in the early '90s, but that kind of thing sticks with a girl. Anyway, I unwrapped the Jumbo Jack Burger and inspected it from all sides. My first impression was "Nice bun!" and my second was, "Ugh, mayonnaise."

And then I realized that this burger has mayonnaise and ketchup but no mustard. I asked my husband if he crossed state lines to buy it, because I thought Texans don't do ketchup on a burger! I became a mustard-on-burger convert on a recent trip to Smashburger, and in a lively discussion in the comments section it was mentioned that inferior burgers require ketchup. If ever a burger proved that theory, it's the Jumbo Jack.

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Photos by Christina Uticone

Luis' Fit Migas

​The results of a recent cholesterol check had me driving straight past the drive-thru and searching for fast food that wouldn't stop my heart. Enter My Fit Foods. It wasn't just my sky-high lipid levels; I also needed to reboot my New Year's "clean eating" resolution. In addition to their store locations, My Fit Foods has kiosks located in many grocery stores, including the H-E-B Montrose, H-E-B Vintage Park, and Williams Tower on Post Oak here in Houston.

I used to think My Fit Foods was just a healthy fast-food alternative, but this is actually an entire fitness/lifestyle program. The concept is in the vein of programs like Jenny Craig, where all of your food is provided, along with options for full-service consultations. My Fit Foods also offers a "21 Day Challenge" program designed for weight loss, or you can just order food a la carte, which I did, choosing one breakfast and one lunch option.

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JUMBACO! JUMBACO!

I've found myself unconsciously singing the annoyingly catchy Jack In The Box ad jingle in the car dozens of times since first viewing the commercial above. I hate myself for it. But as deep as my self-loathing goes, my morbid curiosity runs even deeper. (See also: the Skittles burger.)

Like many Americans, a good portion of the money my parents gave me in college that wasn't spent on gas for surreptitious road trips to Austin on the weekends was spent on 99-cent Jack In The Box tacos in the wee small hours of the morning. I have a love-hate relationship with the things, as I'm convinced that they're nothing more than deep-fried cat-food shells but occasionally eat them -- with relish! -- nevertheless.

Nostalgia makes us do dumb things.

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We're still not sure if Cheeseburger Josh is real...

​Tuesday's news that a homeless woman had been arrested for "offering BJs" in exchange for Chicken McNuggets at an L.A.-area McDonald's sunk the whole fast food-crime genre to a new low. For years, there have been an increasing number of weird and silly fast food-related crimes, but this latest one was just sad.

"Khadijah Baseer, 31, was reportedly going car to car, asking drive-thru customers if they'd buy her some McNuggets in exchange for a blowjob," said the LA Weekly in its write-up of the incident.

"She used to go out there in the past asking for money, but this time..." said LAPD Lieutenant John Dilibert of Baseer's activities. The poor woman was starving. All that she had to offer the world was oral sex, and all that the world had to offer her at that moment was a 10-piece box of pre-fabbed chicken nuggets. Like I said, it's a genuinely sad story.

But there are plenty of fast food-related crimes that aren't as sad; crimes that are gleefully amusing in their stupidity and that don't make you weep for humanity quite as much. Here are our top 10.

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Photo by Christina Uticone

McDonald's breakfast take-out buffet.

​When I see a McDonald's commercial I don't exactly stop everything I'm doing and pay close attention, but I couldn't help but take notice of their recent attempt to brand "Egg McMuffin" as a descriptor for "the best" of something. The ad features various people describing things as "the Egg McMuffin of" items -- boyfriends, cars, apartments -- to indicate that they are the absolute best (boyfriend, car, apartment) possible. This is probably intended to be funny for people who like Egg McMuffins, but I bet it's even funnier to those of us who hate them.

Then I noticed a second McDonald's commercial in which an assistant grabs her boss a variety of under-300 calorie breakfast meals -- including the Egg McMuffin -- and somehow the combination resulted in an irresistible urge to revisit McDonald's breakfast food.

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​So the guys over at Jest made this little commercial for the Shame Mask, which lets you "Enjoy McDonald's without your friends knowing you enjoy McDonald's!"

This product allows you to eat your greasy Big Mac in peace, away from the judging eyes of your pals who won't eat anything that doesn't come from a self-reliant food system. Although it looks a little creepy, like the Shatner/Halloween mask, and the mouth-hole is hardly big enough to shove a fry through, it's kinda funny. Funny because it's true.

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Photo by Christina Uticone

​I'm small but I have a big appetite, so I will admit that this week's Fast Times was basically eaten as an appetizer for the dinner we were heading home to make. I have a terrible habit of going to the grocery store hungry, and it got the best of me this time. My husband and I are now regulars at the Montrose H-E-B, and on our way back out to the car I couldn't take it anymore and just had to grab a couple of things from H-E-B's Fork in the Road food truck to tide me over.

I chose the Asian Pulled Pork "bahn mi style" ($5), and my husband opted for the Fried Green Chile Mac ($2). We figured we'd split them as a pre-dinner snack, which we did--as soon as we stashed the groceries in the car and got in. We just couldn't wait till we got home.

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Photos by Christina Uticone

​When it comes to the Burger King BK Chef's Choice Burger ($5) there's good news, and there's bad news. The good news is that it's exactly what the advertised description promises: 5.5 ounces of burger patty (USDA-certified ground chuck!) seasoned with salt and pepper, American cheese, naturally-smoked thick-cut bacon, fresh romaine lettuce, red onions, ripe tomatoes, and grill sauce on an artisinal bun. The bad news is that the burger is typical Burger King--overcooked, dry, and mealy.

It's a real shame, too because this burger actually looks kind of beautiful.

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Double-double, done up "animal style."

​When the first locations of California-based burger chain In-N-Out Burger opened in the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex, emotions ran high. Perhaps too high. One notable woman wept loudly into her fries as she exclaimed, "Pinch me, it doesn't feel real!"

It felt very real to me as I waited in a line out the door with my extended family to try my first In-N-Out burger on a sunny Saturday afternoon, my rambunctious first-cousin-once-removed (thanks for the ridiculously clumsy nomenclature, genealogists) climbing my limbs like a tree as we waited for the herd of In-N-Out fans to slowly shuffle forward toward the cash registers.

Even though this particular In-N-Out location in Fort Worth's tony West 7th Street development had opened months ago, my cousins told me, the line was out the door every single day. In the parking lot, miniature meltdowns were occurring as frustrated drivers found themselves unable to navigate the filled-up parking lot and snaking drive-thru lines.

Surely, I thought to myself as I surveyed the madness, a fast food burger cannot be worth all of this.

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