I celebrate National Burger Month by watching Bob's Burgers every Sunday.

The great thing about National Burger Month is that it runs, y'know, all month. So you have until the end of May to serve God and your country by eating as many good, ol' American hamburgers as your stomach will fit.

The other good thing about National Burger Month is that restaurants offer special creations you won't find the other 11 months of the year. If you're looking to eat a lobster tail on top of an Akaushi beef patty between two buns, the time is now.

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Photos by Katharine Shilcutt

Pictured: disappointment.

On Thursday of last week, I drove all the way out to Bunker Hill and Longpoint to check out a taco truck called "Tacosway," complete with ripped-off Subway logo in that familiar green and yellow font. I was as amused by the copyright infringement as I was by the play on words: When you say "Tacosway" out loud, it sounds like "tacos, güey" (a.k.a. "tacos, dude" in English.)

I pulled up to find Tacosway inexplicably closed at lunchtime that day, but found succor in the comforting embrace of an old friend down the street: Refresqueria Rio Verde.

I wish I could say the same about the next day's visit to Samburger, where excitement over thoughts of its deep-fried corn on the cob and livery little boudin balls turned to disappointment as I pulled in and found that my two favorite items were no longer on the menu.

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Photos by Katharine Shilcutt

The jalapeño-cheeseburger at Shuttle Burgers is a classic Texas burger, a crush of mustard and fresh vegetables.

Inside the shady dining room at Shuttle Burgers, inflatable space shuttles and cartoonishly fat airplanes twirl slowly at the end of fishing wire suspended from the mottled ceiling tiles. In one corner, a crackling television set's handwritten paper sign implores guests: "Don't change the channel! This is the only one that works!" A framed picture of the ill-fated astronauts from the 1986 Challenger mission hangs on one wall, faded by years of sunlight.

"That picture used to make me cry," my friend noted with fond regard. "I used to look at it when I was a little kid and think how sad it was." I am barely old enough to remember the Challenge disaster, but I do remember the cutaway diagram of the space shuttle that's hanging on another wall; it was in my 5th grade classroom and I would stare at it intently during Mrs. Misamore's droning lessons.

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Photos by Katharine Shilcutt

The first thing you should know about the new Tornado Burger location on Long Point and Campbell is that it isn't air conditioned. It's entirely situated within a semi-enclosed patio that offers a bit of shade, but not too much. So go now before it gets face-meltingly hot.

The second thing you should know is that the patties here are ground fresh and hand formed, which may or may not be a good thing depending on your personal patty preferences. My father wasn't a huge fan of his own burger (although he still ate the whole thing, ahem) because of the fine grind used on the beef. It can render the patty somewhat rubbery. And underneath the slippery cheese and thick spread of mayonnaise that Tornado whips across each bun, it can all come across as a bit unpalatable.

So here's my suggestion:

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Photos by Francisco Montes

Were you at the 2013 Burger Bracket? You're probably in our slideshow.

It may be tough to imagine in Texas, but beef isn't always king. That was the lesson learned at the 3rd annual Burger Bracket this past Saturday at The Refinery, where Rainbow Lodge took home first place with a blended burger patty so good that it won with a landslide of plastic silver voting tokens.

Host restaurant The Refinery placed second with its perfectly cooked sliders (a triumph in and of itself, considering how many the icehouse turned out) topped with Cheddar, jalapeños and jalapeño-spiced bacon. Miller's Cafe took third place with its mayo-slathered, classic diner burgers on poppyseed buns.

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Photo by Joanna O'Leary.

Skeeter's Anniversary Burger

Skeeter's Mesquite Grill has been serving the Houston community for 25 years and to celebrate, they are offering a burger that's two tons of fun (despite being "only" a half-pound).

I have meant to try Skeeter's for the longest time, but, unfortunately, my most recent attempt was foiled by some GI trouble. A few weeks later, I was back on the horse and game to test the capaciousness of my (usually) sturdy stomach. I was slightly wondering, though, about the "mesquite" aspect of Skeeter's food. Like Jerry Seinfeld, I cannot help but think pesky insects contribute to the flavor. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. But I digress.

My attraction to Skeeter's is most definitely influenced by its resemblance to a restaurant of my childhood we frequented after soccer and softball games. This establishment sported lots of random memorabilia and was most definitely family-friendly with regards to price and menu. And so is Skeeter's, but with one key difference: Skeeter's serves alcohol. Which actually makes the restaurant more family-friendly because last time I checked, families include adults and adults like adult beverages. Especially $3 frozen margaritas ($2 during happy hour!!).

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Ever find that it's "simply impossible to settle on one protein to craft a burger?" ...Me neither.

But if you have faced that problem, have no fear! Top Chef All-Stars winner Richard Blais and the Web channel Tasted have teamed up to solve all of your single-meated-burger problems.

The solution "starts with the letter T...and ends with URDUCKEN."

My friends, allow me to introduce you to the Turducken Burger:

Now that Blais has "solved" this major "conundrum" in our lives (thank God!), you'd think all would be fine and dandy, right? Wrong.

You see, we here at Eating...Our Words don't like to rest on our (or okay, really Blais's) laurels, so we've come up with a few epic burgers of our own.

Here are 5 Ridiculous Burgers That We'd Love to See Become a Reality:

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Photos by Katharine Shilcutt

A red, white and green flag designates the hamburguesa mexicana.

Whoosh-zing. My order is written on a paper ticket and fastened into a large, metal binder clip that's suspended from a tiny zip line in Speedy Burger's kitchen. The smiling teenager behind the counter flings it back toward the line cooks, where it whips through the air over a soda fountain before clanging to a stop above the grill.

Whoosh-zing. Whoosh-zing. You can hear order after order relayed this way during a busy lunch hour at the Lindale Park restaurant, which sells tortas and burgers with equal frequency (and is technically in North Lindale, but who's counting?).

"This is how I get my exercise," laughs the girl behind the counter as she clips another order to the zip line and sends it zooming away. "One arm's a lot stronger than the other, though," she says, like when you scoop ice cream for a summer and your forearm Hulks out after the first month.

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Illustration by Monica Fuentes

Update: The Hay Merchant has unfortunately dropped out. But the remaining Final 3 will be there Saturday to battle it out for the supreme burger in Houston. Don't forget to join us!

We held off posting the result for the 2013 Burger Bracket until today, April 2, so that none of you would think the Final 4 were an April Fool's Day joke. Because check out some of those dark horses up there: brand-new icehouse The Refinery over old-school, homespun Stanton's Family Bites, or fancy-pants date spot Rainbow Lodge over down-home Bubba's Texas Burger Shack.

These are the Final 4 competitors -- whittled down from the Elite 8 -- who'll be facing off this Saturday, April 6 at The Refinery just after high noon. How did they get picked? I'll allow our judging teams to explain:

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Photos by Katharine Shilcutt

I keep finding new reasons to love The Hideaway on Dunvale and therefore new reasons to drive west on Richmond until I hit Dunvale -- a corner of the city that is actually rife with terrific reasons to head west.

In the strip center across Richmond from The Hideaway, you'll find two of the best Middle Eastern restaurants in the city. At Al Aseel, the Palestinian-style roast chicken draws raves from everyone who visits. And next door at Cedars Bakery, the Lebanese "pizza" the Cedars team bakes (along with pita and other fresh breads) in its big stone ovens packs the place from breakfast to dinner. Next door to The Hideaway is the popular Tacos el Tepache truck, which sports only one review on Yelp but a long line each time I pass it.

Taking them all together with The Hideaway -- my favorite spot for crawfish -- you could ostensibly do a mini food crawl right here at the corner of Richmond and Dunvale, investigating three of the cuisines that Houston specializes in: Mexican, Middle Eastern and Cajun. Start at Cedars for breakfast, head to Al Aseel for lunch, get dinner and beers at The Hideaway and grab a midnight snack at Tacos el Tepache before heading home. It's open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. No, I don't know how this is possible.

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