Dear Artisan Toast Craze: Please Don't Come to Houston

Categories: Off the Wall

Photo from
Toast is the new black.
Houston tends to be a little late to the game, food-trend-wise.

The whole food truck-trend didn't really take off here until 2011, long after the gourmet meal on wheels had become popular in places like Los Angeles and New York. We're still going gaga over cupcakes, a trend that felt played out even in St. Louis when I moved away from there last year. Gourmet doughnuts, which have been filling bakery cases in Seattle, Portland, New York and San Francisco for some time now, are finally beginning to pop up here in H-Town.

And that's okay. We know that trends will eventually make it to our muggy little corner of the world, and we're great at building up excitement in anticipation (remember the whole cronut thing?).

But I have a request for the latest and weirdest in food trends, expensive artisan toast. Please, for the love of all that is good and hearty, do not come to Houston.

Before you get all defensive and start clamoring for the slightly burned bread that's sweeping the rest of the nation, let's talk a little about this artisan toast thing, shall we?

The first true investigation of the toast craze came courtesy of John Gravois with the Pacific Standard, a magazine based in Santa Barbara. After noticing $3-per-slice toast at San Francisco coffee shop the Red Door and, later, a whole toast menu at Acre Coffee in nearby Petaluma, Gravois set out to determine which asshole had started "the latest artisanal food craze."

He writes:

I had two reactions to this: First, of course, I rolled my eyes. How silly; how twee; how perfectly San Francisco, this toast. And second, despite myself, I felt a little thrill of discovery. How many weeks would it be, I wondered, before artisanal toast made it to Brooklyn, or Chicago, or Los Angeles? How long before an article appears in Slate telling people all across America that they're making toast all wrong? How long before the backlash sets in?

This was back in January, back before the hipsters in Portland and Brooklyn caught on to the toast trend. Gravois's search for an origin story led him to a small coffee shop about three blocks from the Pacific Ocean in San Francisco. It was called Trouble. And, as he explains in the story (which I highly recommend you read), the toast at Trouble wasn't about creating a hipster food furor. It was about nostalgia and community and a sense of self.

I'm not going to spoil the story for you, but the takeaway is that the toast at Trouble means something. The toast at New York City's The Peacock -- which features a toast menu with dishes up to $16 -- is a way for chefs to be trendy and show off their mad pickling skills.

Of course, this whole toast thing isn't exactly new. Toast has been on restaurant menus as long as toasters have been available. Dine at any greasy spoon, and there will be toast with your eggs and bacon. "Texas Toast" is a beast all its own, often accompanying chicken-fried steak or barbecue. What's new is the trendiness -- and the price.

In an op-ed for Seattle newspaper The Stranger, Bethany Jean Clement writes, "Part of the moral outrage here is economic: Toast is meant to be a thrifty food, meant to make homespun, happy use of otherwise less-than-optimally-fresh bread."

Clement goes on to argue that toast has rustic connotations. It's often one of the first things a person learns how to make. It's something you make at home for a snack. It's something your mom made for you when you were a kid. Plus, she says, "even a completely incompetent cook" can make toast.

This story continues on the next page.

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Should we expect thousand-dollar "precision toasters" appearing on the shelves at Buffalo Hardware any time soon?

David Fromomaha
David Fromomaha

Bread and Butter, $4 at Down House. Does that count?

Paul Vani
Paul Vani

I'm just about at the point where if it is described as 'artisan' then I'm not going to eat it or at least pay to eat it. And add craft' to that as well.

Rachel Mann
Rachel Mann

What is this asshattery... Plus why eat toast when biscuits exist.

Bruce_Are topcommenter

Houston needs a food truck that sells nothing but toast, where you can upgrade from ordinary toast to toast with Nutella, toast with fried chicken, toast with smoked salmon, or toast with waffles.  And you'd pay the $15 to a dude with a goatee, some visible tats, and piercings.  And they'd open later than their posted opening time and run out of toast because they forgot to buy bread.

Brian Daly
Brian Daly

I'll hold out for the powdered toast craze.


FSM knows I love a good rant as much as anybody, but I'm not sure I understand the outrage here. Generally, I'm skeptical of telling other people how to spend their money. Wanna drop $5 on toast and jam? Go for it. It isn't as if one person's purchasing decision suddenly obligates anyone else to follow suit.

Besides, I happily pay $4 for a biscuit with marmalade and creme fraiche at Blacksmith. Why wouldn't I pay a similar amount of money for a couple of slices of toast - assuming the bread is fresh baked/well-made/unusual. Sure, I could get a loaf of rye bread at Three Brothers for similar money and use it to make excellent toast, but maybe I don't want an entire loaf.  

Meanwhile, I suspect you should accept that someone, somewhere is going serve fancy toast in this town sooner rather than later. When it winds up on the 100 favorite dishes, I promise to be gentle about the 'I told you so.'



FSM forbid that you and CM ever meet a trend that can't be hyped to the heavens, and then ridiculed when it has run its course and is falling to earth like a punctured balloon. Cronuts one day, luxury toast the next. 


@filmoreeast @e_sandler The Houston restaurant/bar industry has never seen greater success without the help of their mouthpiece(s).  CM, Eater, and others will stop at nothing in pumping up the latest up and coming chefs and their upcoming new gimmicky restaurant/bar venture.  Reading some of their work makes me think that a new Joël Robuchon is opening up a restaurant/cafe/coffee shop in Montrose/Midtown/Heights on a weekly basis.  Hype is the name of the game, and if someone was a dishwasher at "Eleven Madison Park", they'd be billed as some "Michelin-pedigree chef" looking to bring some played-out fad in Houston as a money grab.

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