Velveeta Cheesepocalypse Causes Queso Contemplation
Gustavo Arellano of "Ask A Mexican" fame recently outlined 15 signs you grew up eating Tex-Mex food for the food blog at OC Weekly. One of those signs is "you know the difference between queso and queso," the italicized version being the Spanish word for cheese, and the plain text being the cheese dip.
Photo courtesy Velveeta If someone can find me a koozie crock pot, I'll love you forever.
Having taken years of Spanish classes in the Texas public schools system (little of which stuck), I know the difference between queso and queso, and I can't remember not knowing it. In my mind, queso has always been "cheese" in Spanish, and queso has always been Velveeta and Ro*Tel.
If you look on either company's website, you'll see the two-ingredient recipe listed, often in a place of prominence. Both refer to it as "queso dip," but we all know the addition of "dip" is unnecessary.
I find it amusing that either company posts a recipe at all. It's two ingredients. You melt one of them and mix the other one into it. Done. But perhaps they make it clear that this union of cheese product and diced veggies is a recipe as a means of warning consumers: This is how you do it. Don't mess with perfection.
I've seen plenty of recipes that call for the addition of cream cheese or ground meat or freshly chopped peppers or -- God forbid -- real cheese. I'm not saying any of these things would somehow make the end product less tasty. They would, however, make it less queso.
The secret to great queso is in that ideal ratio of one pound of Velveeta to ten ounces of Ro*Tel, and here's why:
- It's ready in five minutes or less.
- You can cook it in a microwave, and you need to dirty only a single bowl and a single spoon to do so.
- It re-solidifies in the refrigerator, so it lasts longer. Or something.
- Velveeta is a miracle of modern science. When it melts (which it does perfectly) it doesn't produce a greasy slick of melted fat. You will never have greasy queso with Velveeta.
- Ro*Tel comes in original, mild, hot, chunky and Mexican. There is no need to worry about adjusting the spice or the size of your chopped tomatoes and peppers to your preference. It's already been done for you.
- Velveeta and Ro*Tel have shelf lives of, like, forever.
- Ro*Tel is already chopped.
- Velveeta loaves come in six varieties: Original, Jalapeño, Mexican, Queso Blanco, two percent milk and new Sharp Cheddar. Mix and match if you're feeling fancy.
- Along with roaches and sea monsters, loaves of Velveeta and cans of Ro*Tel will likely survive the apocalypse.
- When you melt Velveeta and Ro*Tel together, the bright colors look like a fiesta in a bowl.
- Only the singular combination of Velveeta and Ro*Tel can make you feel simultaneously disgusting and fulfilled after you eat an entire bowl by yourself.
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