Observing Knockers While Knocking Back Beer at Twin Peaks

Categories: Bar Beat

twinpeakstaps.JPG
Photo by Kaitlin Steinberg
Changing into a push-up bra before I left my apartment that night was my first mistake. Ordering beer instead of liquor was my second. I was presented with the opportunity to make a third mistake with the amiable gentleman who sat down next to me at the bar, but thankfully my faculties were still mostly intact. And there were much better opportunities to be had. By him, not me.

I had never been to a "breastaurant" before. Not even Hooters. In fact, the extent of my knowledge about breastaurants is that Bikinis Sports Bar & Grill trademarked the term, and as a result I'm not supposed to refer to any restaurant except Bikinis as a breastaurant in my writing. So I guess I still haven't been to a breastaurant.

I have, however, been to Twin Peaks as of last week. The jury is still out on an appropriately punny portmanteau to describe Twin Peaks. I'm thinking something along the lines of "boobar," but the word should connote overly tan chicks in tiny tops as opposed to breastfeeding mothers, which is what I think of when I hear boobar.

I digress.

So I show up, alone, in a push-up bra to Twin Peaks, and for some reason I expect that, because I'm attempting to blend in by flashing my minimal cleavage to anyone who dared to look, I would fly under the radar. It turns out women don't drink alone at Twin Peaks. Were there a bar where scantily clad, muscular, oiled men pranced around in briefs and flexed their biceps while pouring pints, it would probably be more than acceptable for women to drink alone there. Alas, no such heaven yet exists, to my knowledge.

I order a Karbach because it seems to be the only thing on tap that doesn't have the word "Light" attached to it, and I start doing what I was taught in journalism school -- an ethnography. Rather than act like a normal human being enjoying a night out at the local watering hole, I observe my surroundings and take notes on my phone.

Here's a snippet of what I texted to myself in order to remember the evening:

Can't tell if the guys are looking at me cause I'm out of place here or cause they like what they see. Please let it be the first one. Some of the girls are looking at me funny too. Maybe I'm overanalyzing this. Maybe they're just looking at me cause I'm sitting across the bar from them. Maybe they recognize me as the Houston Press restaurant critic. No, that definitely can't be it. Maybe this place just makes me really self conscious. Do you have to have a belly button piercing to work here?

In retrospect, I think the fact that I was drinking for the first time in a while combined with my lack of sleep may have made me a little fuzzy and paranoid. I can say with certainty, though, that it wasn't the alcohol alone that made me uncomfortable. I can't imagine any response other than discomfort (both emotional and physical) when your waitress recommends the Rueben sandwich with the endorsement "I'd have sex with it."

First, that's gross and unsanitary, and second, how would that even...Nevermind. Moving on. Moving on to...the fact that they're playing Creed's "Arms Wide Open" on the loud speakers -- a saccharine, overplayed anthem written by a father for his unborn child. Cause that's what all these drooling men and nearly naked waitresses want to hear at the end of the day. Freaking Creed.

By the end of my second pint, I'm really regretting that I'm not at the end of my second double gin and tonic. And I'm still confused by the 29-degree temperature of the beer. Perhaps that improves Bud Light ('cause really, what doesn't?), but practically freezing my craft brew in no way enhances it.

Eventually I give up on ever drinking comfortably at Twin Peaks. I'm too distracted by tattoos I shouldn't be able to see and the "Real or Fake?" game I'm playing in my head. And by the two dozen big screen TVs shouting football scores at me. It's not that I don't like sports bars. I can dig some cheap beer and a good game from time to time.

What I can't handle is the bartender singing a butchered Selena song in a voice that sounds like it's coming from Alvin and the Chipmunks. And my push-up bra is starting to dig in to my back.

Location Info

Twin Peaks

4527 Lomitas St., Houston, TX

Category: Music

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31 comments
jacobsimonbocanegra
jacobsimonbocanegra

i wonder why no has ever opened a restaurant where men have their shirts off, and served hotdogs and beer, they could call the place Weiners.lol. no seriously the reason noone has done that is because women would get drunk and out of control and start grabbing guys asses..

Nicole Summers
Nicole Summers

FC2-4utexas. Female condoms aren't just for women!

EC_Esq
EC_Esq

I respectfully disagree w/ Ms. Steinberg.  I have eaten at Twin Peaks several times and let me tell you:  they have one of the BEST Chicken Fried Steaks I've ever tasted!  And trust me, I know a thing or two about food.  Yes, I've had Goodson's and BBQ Inn and Triple A's and I'm telling you theirs is right up there.  Tender cutlet.  Good gravy.  Breading that sticks to the meat.  Ya'll should try it.

And another thing:  Hooter's wings ARE damn good!  I'd eat them if there were big boobs around or not.  Just sayin'.....

Penelope Shelfer
Penelope Shelfer

"I want to eat mediocre food, and objectify women while doing so." Exactly.

Lindsay Smith
Lindsay Smith

Out of all of the stories you could post, you decide to repost this poorly written crap again? Come on HP, get a decent restaurant critic and stop posting the same, pithy shit.

Kyle King
Kyle King

I hear they serve damn fine cups...

Dylan Osborne
Dylan Osborne

I don't go to these places because it makes me feel like a sucker. The food sucks, and the waitress is trying to game me. I will tip better for great service, not for my waitress to show me part of her tits.

gina
gina

Kaitlin, just stay home and be miserable!!!!!!!!!!

Cathi Walsh
Cathi Walsh

why would anyone want to go there, ever? just so wrong.

Wake Up
Wake Up

When will the sexualization of women end?

glenndenning
glenndenning

Word has that these joints are taking some business from the formerly very profitable topless clubs, and that the waitresses are often doing more than delivering food and drink for their tips. Did you notice many of the girls sitting with the men, flirting and drinking?


carriebwc
carriebwc

My lesbian friends love that place.  Just saying.

rgwalt
rgwalt

I wonder if the waitresses there are now wired to make recommendations using sexual references.  With the client base being mostly men, I'm sure the more forward the waitress is, the better the rappaport with her customers, and consequently the better the tip.  So, while it was an odd way to make a recommendation, it is likely that the waitress has simply forgotten how to interact with non-male customers in any way that isn't sexual or provocative.

Jenandtonic
Jenandtonic

I hate that these places are so successful. " I want to eat mediocre food, but I want to objectify women at the same time!"

paval
paval topcommenter

I think its only a question of time before someone creates a "junktaurant" to counter the boobierants, targeted at a female audience. However I foresee one problem:

- while most women have no problem in going to breastaurant to eat, drink and look at women better looking than them (for the mean female population at least), fitter than them and exposing themselves in baby gap sizes, I doubt that you would find many men in Texas or any other macho subculture for that matter, that would be secure enough to go to a place to drink and eat with their spouses, girlfriends, etc. where they are exposed constantly to men that are fitter than them, have a seemingly more sizable attribute (there is a push up for that area too), and have nicer hair and skin than them.  And on top of that would as part of their job, flirt with the women in the restaurant, as waitresses sometimes do in the "breastaurants". 

As a comparable item I would name the gay bars and clubs in Houston or elsewhere. How many "straight" men do you find in those?

With that a "junktaurant" would be condemned to a weekend existence of bachelorette parties, girls night out for mommy's over 40 and alike. Probably not enough to stay in business. 

But it surely would be nice to have one of those in town. For gender equality mostly. 


Trisha Johnson
Trisha Johnson

Where is the review on the food? Did you even eat? You cannot do a review on a restaurant without trying anything besides a beer!

Lindsay Smith
Lindsay Smith

While Twin Peaks is nothing to write home about, this has to be the laziest (and sloppiest) review of any restaurant I've ever read.

erichenao
erichenao

Can't say I've been to any except Twin Peaks once and Hooters a couple of times. Haven't been in over a year and will never be back to any of them. Those type of joints are not for me. I'd rather spend my dollars and calories else where.

tinyhands
tinyhands

The only picture you managed to take was of the beer taps?

Invalid review: Rejected.

Bruce_Are
Bruce_Are topcommenter

The Reuben sounds good.

WestSideBob
WestSideBob topcommenter

KS ... did you stick it out long enough to try any of their food ?

KaitlinS
KaitlinS topcommenter

@glenndenning I noticed waitresses doing plenty of sitting at booths and flirting, but not drinking while they were working. No one flirted with me, though. LAME.

KaitlinS
KaitlinS topcommenter

@paval I went to a gay bar/club recently where all the male dancers were straight (or so they said). So that was sort of the equivalent. And there was more...touching...allowed...

erichenao
erichenao

@tinyhands Maybe it was the only one she could get that was "fit to print"…

KaitlinS
KaitlinS topcommenter

@WestSideBob Nah, I was there to check out the bar and atmosphere. And I didn't want to eat the food. So many better options.

Pffft
Pffft

@KaitlinS  So basically you just dropped in so you could mock it on HP. Got it.

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