Condom Flavors Ranked (Because We Want You to Be Safe and Satisfied) (sNSFW)


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Photo by Monica Fuentes
Contrary to what this expression implies, the grape was not too bad.
3. Grape
Remember all those grape-flavored medicines of your childhood that smelled awful and tasted even worse? This is totally not like that! We were expecting bad things from the vibrant purple condom, but it was surprisingly pleasant. It smelled like good grape candy and tasted...well none of them tasted like much, but this one definitely had vague hints of sweet grape. That almost sounds like a wine description. OMG wine flavored condoms! Why hasn't this happened yet?!

Bottom Line: Would use and would pair with Barefoot Sweet Red Wine

2. Tropical
This was the only Durex condom in the mix, as any other of the five varieties of Durex flavored condoms seem hard to come by. We're not exactly sure what fruit fruit-like flavors are used in "tropical" lube, but they're not bad. There was definitely something pineapple-esque about it. Maybe some mango. Also, it was pink, which seems like a nice, inviting color when placed over a banana or (we imagine) any other, um, low-hanging fruits.

Bottom Line: Would use on a tropical island

1. Strawberry
The strawberry-flavored condoms were the clear winners among the staff here at HP. They were described as "surprisingly tart and fruity," "strawberry-esque" and "greasy." Indeed, the strawberry condoms have the strongest flavor, and a good one at that. It's reminiscent of those old-school hard candies in the wrappers that look like strawberries. You know the ones. They're a little sweet and a little tart and not super latex-y, which is exactly what a flavored condom should be. So go forth and buy strawberry condoms. You might regret what you do with them, but you won't regret your condom choice.

Bottom Line: Would use with whipped cream.

Honorable Mention: We couldn't find bacon condoms anywhere in Houston, but according to Gawker, they exist. Yes, we're a little over the bacon craze, but we're going to go ahead and give these a tentative endorsement. Meat for your meat? Yes, please!


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5 comments
mastasj
mastasj

all of houston press is becoming nsfw, and really not safe for my sanity.

UrbanSwank
UrbanSwank

I am sure this is a great read, but I couldn't get past the picture. Seriously.

vonSchliessen
vonSchliessen

@UrbanSwank 

...stick to the sugar-coated stuff on CultureMap. You'll feel more comfortable with the pics, until you start reading the words.

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