Condom Flavors Ranked (Because We Want You to Be Safe and Satisfied) (sNSFW)

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Photo by Monica Fuentes
Brave Houston Press staffers testing a vanilla and a strawberry condom.
There are wine tastings and beer tastings and liquor tastings, of course. There are cheese tastings and barbecue tastings and even heirloom apple tastings. Chocolate tastings, kolache tastings, salsa tastings and weird new energy drink tastings.

But this is the first time we've ever heard of a condom tasting.

Yes, in the name of safe sex and scientific curiosity, several members of our editorial and advertising staff have participated in a flavored condom tasting to determine which flavor actually tastes the most like what it's supposed to. Or to determine which flavor actually tastes like anything, because that's really what it came down to.

One member of the advertising staff suggested that to really get the flavors to come out, the condoms need to be warm. Like, there needs to be friction. But as none of us felt like really going to town on the bananas we used as vessels, the condoms remained...room temperature.

We used both Endurance and Trustex brand flavored condoms, which, by the way, are FDA-approved. And, contrary to what you might read on the Internet, flavored condoms do protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. That means you can both taste them and...do other things with them. It's important to note that only sugarfree condoms should be used for vaginal intercourse because the ones with sugar in them could cause yeast infections. So now you know.

Ahem, here are the flavors ranked from worst to best:

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Photo by Monica Fuentes
Someone got hungry.
8. Cola
The idea of a cola-flavored condom is certainly intriguing, and of the flavors available, it seemed the most exotic. Unfortunately, it was also the most disappointing. "That's not cola!" exclaimed one taste-tester. "I mean, it says 'cola.' But that's not cola." We decided that it tasted vaguely like licorice. It's also the only condom we tasted that was normal latex condom color -- you know, the color of off-white latex gloves. We all felt that if you're going to make a flavored condom, jazz it up with a color!

Bottom Line: Would not use

7. Vanilla
For some unknown reason, the vanilla condom is blue. We briefly discussed the fact that a blue member might be disconcerting for a man, but we decided the vanilla didn't taste good enough for a guy to want to use it anyway. There was very little flavor to it at all, and what flavor was present was extremely artificial. And here we had been hoping for something with more of a vanilla bean essence.

Bottom Line: Would not use



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5 comments
mastasj
mastasj

all of houston press is becoming nsfw, and really not safe for my sanity.

UrbanSwank
UrbanSwank

I am sure this is a great read, but I couldn't get past the picture. Seriously.

vonSchliessen
vonSchliessen

@UrbanSwank 

...stick to the sugar-coated stuff on CultureMap. You'll feel more comfortable with the pics, until you start reading the words.

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