What Would 90210's The Peach Pit Be Like If It Were Open Today?

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Ironic mustaches abound.
Last week, as I sat in my candle-lit bubble bath sipping champagne, I got to thinking about the Beverly Hills, 90210. And then, the gang's hangout -- The Peach Pit. Why, what do you do on a Sunday morning?

Anyway, the champs got me thinking; What would The Peach Pit be like if it were open today?

Although it was remade and shown in the first season of the newer series, I think the creators did a shitty job. So here's how I'd imagine The Peach Pit 2.0:

The 50s-style diner, now a hipster hangout, changed its name to The Passion Pitt. The dark wood walls are adorned with works from local artists and the booths have been reupholstered in mismatched fabrics that Nat's granddaughter, a self-taught interior decorator, found at a local thrift store (naturally, she reupholstered them herself, following a tutorial she found on Pinterest).

As Nat's illegitimate son now manages the place for him, the old owner has taken up whiskey distillery in his spare time. He is the current Social Chair of the West Beverly Hills Whiskey Club and he holds weekly Sip 'N' Chats at the restaurant after hours.

The family recently secured an alcohol license and subsequently hired a cicerone to run a craft beer program at The Pitt starting this spring. Until then, you can check for updates on their new beer app, Lager Than Life.

The dated menu has also been revamped. There are still burgers, fries and shakes, but they are pork rillette-stuffed Beef Tartare Burgers, house-cut Duck Fat Fries, and bacon-and-chili-infused Organic Chocolate Shakes.

Rumor has it that if you order the fries "banned" up, they'll still serve you the Foie Gras Poutine, made with locally crafted goat's milk cheese curd, black squid-ink gravy, foie gras smuggled in from Portland, and crushed Doritos. Oh, and for an extra $3, you can get anything topped with a six-minute egg.

Dylan and Kelly's daughter (because they get back together, obvi) Attyson is a server at the restaurant, along with her friends Draven, Luxx and Zerrika. They wear uniforms from American Apparel and look like they're in their mid-to-late 20s, despite being teenagers.

After her shifts, Attyson's boyfriend Blayde picks her up on his 21-speed tandem bicycle wearing a sleeveless jean jacket, jeans that are skinnier than hers, and a fedora in place of a helmet. He has an ironic mustache and is best friends with Diesel, an iPad DJ who secretly harbors a crush on Attyson and also has an ironic mustache.

When Diesel gets a second job as a dishwasher in the back, it's not long before he hooks up with Attyson at one of the Pitt After Dark's open-mike nights. The affair stops when Diesel gets fired for not actually washing any dishes.

No one has heard from Brenda in years, but they've kept her favorite shake on the menu, hoping one day she'll be able to face her fears and return to the Pitt after the traumatic after-hours armed robbery she was involved in as a teen.

Despite graduating, Donna Martin still works as a hostess.



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7 comments
StephenMaturin
StephenMaturin

What about this column is relevant to the Houston food and beverage scene?

J.A.Justice
J.A.Justice

@StephenMaturin Yeah Brooke.  You know humor and satire have no place here.  Back to the foie gras mines with you!

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