Houston's 10 Best Bathrooms to Bang In

Categories: Bar Beat

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Photo by Joshua Justice
Even the chalkboard in our No. 1 bathroom knows what's up.
"It's a list of bathrooms to fuck in, not Homer's Odyssey. Don't go overthinking it."

My girlfriend hurled this sage wisdom at me earlier this week as I planned my trek to nearly two dozen bars I visited to compile this list. If nothing else, I am sure the Greek poet would respect my legwork.

This list was built by polling service-industry veterans, bar patrons and a slutty-looking girl I saw sitting out front of Boondocks (her emphatic answer was "Fuck off!" by the way; I couldn't find that bar on Yelp, however). We rated bars and their washrooms on ambience, ease of entry and egress, feasibility -- sorry, Grand Prize, but one person can't fit in your stalls alone, much less two -- and overall sex appeal.

Our list of the ten best bathrooms to have a shag in is as follows:

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Photo by Stephanie Meza
10. BRC

BRC was the first Houston bar we remember seeing in the new unisex bathroom trend. Separated from the dining room almost completely, the layout features separate stalls off the main washroom with what one woman knowingly described as "plenty of room."

9. Fitzgerald's Women's Restroom (Upstairs)

This one goes out to all the scene kids and hipsters in the audience. Being equipped with what my mom tells me is formally known as "a peepee," I have yet to see this bathroom. But while I was researching this article, no less than three women offered the upstairs bathroom at the legendary music venue as a viable hookup closet. "Would you even want to fuck in there?" I asked a particularly fussy female friend.

"The whole idea is about being as dirty as possible," she responded, "and you literally can't get much dirtier than that, so I guess it might be hot." And I guess it could be worse; it could be Lola's.

8. Reef

Though it's certainly quieted down since its early buzz days, Reef's dining room is busy most nights, even if the "3rd Bar" is not. The well-appointed bathrooms are off a back hallway, making access for you and your boink buddy easier than a pair of crotchless panties. Bonus points if you pick up some strange at Proof Bar upstairs and bring them down to seal the deal.


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56 comments
sauqkgy
sauqkgy

Really, no NEXT DOOR BAR?!? Really?

vydakinfo
vydakinfo

Wow.  What a digusting display of pathetic writing and an embarrassing topic.  And now, when another person who is dating someone else on staff becomes a writer, the next article will sink again to a whole new low. 

Roland Gonzalez
Roland Gonzalez

im surprised boondocks restroom was not on the list ?

Jason Tinder
Jason Tinder

And I always thought that the best place to get busy was in a burger king bathroom..

Brazos
Brazos

Anderson Fair has always had coed bathrooms. Really improves the graffiti.

Adrian Taylor Barnard
Adrian Taylor Barnard

A person would have to sink to an all time low to have sexual relations in a public toilet.

Brian Bauer
Brian Bauer

Make sure all body cavities are clean and sanitized before entering. And don't forget about the White Shoulders perfume!

Judi Hurwitt
Judi Hurwitt

Seriously? :/ I'm betting these restaurants would prefer you kept your sexual activities out of their bathrooms. Just saying.

chickenpieces
chickenpieces

Brooks Brothers dress?  I highly doubt that.  That's poor research.

Tony Gutierrez
Tony Gutierrez

I don't always bang in the toilet booth, but when I do I only bang the classiest ho's

Ryan Metts
Ryan Metts

They missed numbers bathroom in their writeup!

Stephanie Fisher
Stephanie Fisher

We all know it was more than once. You can have it your way there. The possibilities are endless.

Rae Mi
Rae Mi

How the fuck do you come up with articles like this?

joseynosy
joseynosy

Sigh. This list is of no use to me. Mr. Justice didn't do a thorough research. Could the author please branch out to the Upper Kirby area? 

Creg Lovett
Creg Lovett

I may never come up with a better headline.

NewRider Ivan
NewRider Ivan

Not a restroom but.....photo-booth at Boondocks...better.

Lauren MacQueen
Lauren MacQueen

That thing of when you hold your breath hoping that your workplace is on there and it isn't. ::sighs of relief::

Jessica Alexander
Jessica Alexander

bravo, bravo. enough of a reason for me to trek back to houston sooner than later and...try out the drinks.

Mon Ica
Mon Ica

Hahah oook.. I purposely interuptted a couple months back at Little woodrow's east end saying I needed some TP. Haha.. of course, they were in the womens restroom.

HTownChowDown
HTownChowDown

Protip for those who need this sort of list:  It's more fun if you bring a partner.

Montrosian
Montrosian

No gay places?  Your research sucks.  Pun intended.

Nojusticenopiece
Nojusticenopiece

I'm so glad Houston Press has given Josh Justice a platform through which he can spread his douchery. In my opinion, it really hurts the credibility of this site that he got this gig simply because he's "banging" K. Shilcutt (hey, if he can use that term so can I, right?). I'm willing to bet not one Houstonian woke up this morning thinking, "Man, I wish someone would comprise a list of bathrooms that are conducive to fornication."

facebook.com
facebook.com

@Adrian Taylor Barnard If you're doing it in the toilet you're doing it wrong.

chantillyX
chantillyX

@HTownChowDown The fun, my friend, is in the daring spontaneity. See 9 1/2 weeks. If you're the kind of schlub who plans this stuff and brings a partner intending to do it, I feel sadness for you. 

chantillyX
chantillyX

@Montrosian True that! My vote goes to TC's Show Bar. An occasional visit keeps me sane.

HowAboutNo
HowAboutNo

@Nojusticenopiece since both K's and J's articles almost always contain at least one mention of "my boyfriend/my girlfriend," I've always assumed K writes all the posts and just puts J's name on some of them.

Someone
Someone

@Nojusticenopiece  Thank you for saying what I've been thinking for a while. The in-group favoritism that blatantly seeps through the Eating Our Words postings is pathetic.  On the other hand, I think I would be a good food writer. Any male staffers want to hook up in one of these bathrooms?  Just kidding, but sadly not about the fact that this strategy would, and seems to, work.

chickenpieces
chickenpieces

@bridge1231 I know they have dresses at Brooks Brothers, i'm not an idiot.  I just wonder if the preppy chick was really wearing that.  My comment was just me being silly..not an actual attack on the research.

kshilcutt
kshilcutt moderator editor

@chickenpieces @bridge1231 Well, shit. Now I want a Brooks Brothers dress. Those are really cute. (I think this makes me a de facto pearl clutcher, though...)

CoryGarcia
CoryGarcia

@J.A.Justice Now I'm just disappointed in myself for not making a Manowar joke in the first place.

J.A.Justice
J.A.Justice

@CoryGarcia He wants Pyromania and I want Reign in Blood so we compromise with Manowar's Kings of Metal.

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