If Houston Restaurants Were Bands: Oxheart As an Oi! Punk Band, Plus More

Categories: Leftovers

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Photo by Adrienne Byard
Even if you Photoshop a microphone stand into Gallivan's hand, I still can't see these two in guy-liner.
In a recent story meeting, I mentioned The Pass & Provisions to my fellow staff writers here at the Press. Assistant music editor and all-around pop culture buff Craig Hlavaty quickly threw out there: "That sounds like a screamo band."

"In fact," he continued, "a lot of these new restaurants have names that sound like bands."

"Oxheart!" someone else at the table threw out.

"Uchi"! yelled another.

And before long, Hlavaty and I had compiled an entire list of Houston restaurants that sound like band names. Below is Hlavaty's take on what those bands would be. Find out which restaurant would be your dad's friend's ZZ Top and Stevie Ray Vaughan cover band, and which would be a four-piece Houston hardcore group that only plays every year or so.

The Pass & Provisions

An early '00s screamo band, like Thursday or something. Hearts on their sleeve fellas who wore guyliner, repped the Smiths.

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Photo by Alex Gregg
Antoine Ware as the lead singer of a Mumford and Sons-style band? Why not.
The Hay Merchant

Sort of like Mumford and Sons. Lots of wool and tweed, with a pop-punk past hidden under their woolen shirtsleeves. They opened up for New Found Glory when you were still in AP English, kind sir.

Cuchara

A secret, wildly-popular Latin rock group that Anglos shrug at but there are men who go to their shows and sob uncontrollably and have their entire backs tattooed with their lyrics.

Mongoose versus Cobra

Remember The Locust? That really scream-y, spazz-punk electro band? Did songs about ghost farts and Abraham Lincoln's gynecologist? That's MvsG. People grew out of them after freshman year in college, now wistfully rub their hands over their albums at Cactus on the way to buying the new Arcade Fire EP.

Spindletop

It was your sorority friend's bachelorette party and she wanted to go honky-tonkin' and
finally wear those boots she got at the rodeo, so you went to Big Texas and this band
Spindletop was playing Dierks Bentley covers and you kinda sorta made out with the
bassist. No big deal. He was cute.

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We can see Justin Yu rocking a spiked Oi! punk mohawk.
Oxheart

An Oi! punk band, that plays song about working-class struggles and sport giant mutton
chops. They opened for the Business at Walter's On Washington.

Straits

That's my George Strait cover band, duh.

Plonk

An early '90s Houston punk band that played the old Emo's and Instant Karma. They broke up in 2000 and two of the members now coach youth soccer in Katy.

Uchi

Uchi is a really cute Japanese solo artist who drives all the skinny indie boys wild with
her songs about ice cream and kissing.

Double Trouble

Double Trouble is the name of your dad's friends' band that plays SRV and ZZ Top covers at ice houses in La Porte.

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We can also easily see Shepherd leading a hardcore outfit.
Underbelly

Underbelly is a four-piece Houston hardcore group that only plays every year or so. They have a lot of songs about respect and shit.

Pondicheri

Indie-darlings of the highest order. Akin to Passion Pit. The night that they played
Fitzgerald's, the bar sold out of Sprite and there was a long line of parents picking up
their kids off White Oak.

Kata Robata

These guys play Scout Bar once a month and would like to think of themselves as Houston's answer to Linkin Park, but they really sound like Trapt. They never quite got the hang of using turntables in their live shows, so now their DJ just plays an unplugged electric guitar in the corner.

Down House

"So you mean if we dress like Kings Of Leon we could get mad handies in the pool at ROAK?"

Mellow Mushroom

Remember that guy in college who wore Sublime shirts every day to class and switched to a hemp Bob Marley hoodie when it got cold outside? He tried out for Mellow Mushroom and the band thought he wasn't mellow enough.

Gratifi

Jesus, why don't these guys just marry everyone in Incubus and make little Incubus babies already? Their lead singer blatantly hits on your girlfriend on Facebook and likes all of her Instagram pics.

The Queen Vic

Man, you would think that the whole Brit-Pop thing would have died after Blur finally made it to MTV, but no. For guys who grew up in the Woodlands, they manage to sing with impeccable British accents.



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5 comments
NathanSmith
NathanSmith

Oh my God how did I miss this on Friday. I was just driving past Haven on Saturday and thought, "Ha, you know, these "rock star" chefs are just giving their restaurants band names nowadays. Ooh, that could be a good blog..."

I was right. :(  Bravo.

Crystalleester
Crystalleester

@kshilcutt @CraigHlavaty Lol! I'm might have to hug you two in person for doing this.

androidgenius
androidgenius

@kshilcutt @craighlavaty 100 pts for mentioning The Locust.

Bitspitter
Bitspitter

Underbelly should sound exactly like Blue Öyster Cult.

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