All Is Not Lost: 5 Twinkie Alternatives Just in Case the Worst Comes to Pass

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Is it possible that the Twinkie-Weiner Sandwich, seen here in the film UHF, could vanish from this Earth?
We've all heard about it by now: Hostess Brands company is shutting its doors, thanks to mismanagement, skyrocketing debt, poor restructuring, union difficulties...and yogurt.

Hostess's beloved treats, little slices of Americana which have been hawked by Spider-Man and used as a teaching tool by prominent parapsychologists, will soon be gone forever, it seems.

Twinkie hoarders and Twinkie scalpers have risen to prominence in the past few days as America loses its collective shit at the thought of the snack cakes disappearing forever, taking with them a piece of its childhood which can never be regained. An already troublingly obese American populace becoming truly alarmed and flying into actual panic at the thought of the discontinuation of preservative-heavy, animal fat-laden cultural leftovers from the 1950's? Sounds about right. And, as crises go, much more enjoyable than trying to suss out the current godawful mess in Israel or Gaza.

There is still hope: Hostess management has entered into mediation with its more prominent unions, and total company liquidation has been put on hold for now. Even if the company does liquidate, the snack cakes are still profitable enough to be snatched up and reissued by another company -- Mexico's Bimbo being the number one contender in many unconfirmed rumors.

But even if the worst happens and Hostess and its products disappear forever, you still won't need to blow your kids' college fund on black market goods. We've rounded up some perfectly acceptable Twinkie alternatives that aren't going anywhere any time soon.

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5. Tastykake Krimpets

Formerly a treat only available in and around Philadelphia, Tastykakes have become available all over the country, including Houston -- mostly in Fiestas and Walmarts. Just about every snack cake company has a Twinkie analog, but Tastykake spins theirs a bit differently; their Krimpets ape the original creme-filled sponge cake, yes, but they also offer variations in flavors unseen outside the company. Varieties include butterscotch, spice cake and -- our personal favorite -- pancake-flavored Krimpets. You can order them online, too, just in case your dorm is running short on junk food for the upcoming Xbox party.

4. Marinela Submarinos

Marinela, a dessert-themed subsidiary of the famous hilariously named Mexican company Bimbo, offers their Twinkie analog with strawberry-flavored creme instead of the traditional American vanilla. We're not sure why, but they're still pretty good. Fun fact: The sponge cakes are yellow, which technically makes them Submarinos Amarillos, en que, por supuesto, todos vivimos.

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3. Zebra Cakes

These are basically iced Twinkies. They're pretty fantastic, and thanks to the time of year, they're now available in Christmas tree shapes, which are less confusing. You could spend all day deciding which of the standard hexagonal variety's corners to bite into first, but with the tree-shaped ones, you just start at the top and work your way down. It's the only time of year they're OCD-friendly.

2. Cloud Cakes

And if that's not your thing, you can always go for the other Little Debbie option on this list: the Cloud Cake. See, the Twinkie panic, aside from being ridiculous just for what it reveals about America's shameful food culture, was doubly unnecessary because Cloud Cakes are EXACTLY THE SAME. Oh hell, that did it. You're now going to see snack cake experts in the comments section who have never cooked a homemade meal in their lives claiming to have palates sophisticated enough to tell the difference between Twinkies and Cloud Cakes. Do not provoke these polyunsaturated connoisseurs. Pity them.

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1. Red Velvet Bingles

These are just like Twinkies, but instead of sponge cake, they're made out of red velvet. That means they win. They win at everything.



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4 comments
FattyFatBastard
FattyFatBastard topcommenter

In my day, Zingers were the white trash twinkie's.  Shame that Hostess bought that brand too.

tinyhands
tinyhands

Twinkie ALTERNATIVE?!  I'd rather a boot to the head.

gratifihouston
gratifihouston

@EatingOurWords OMG. I'm literally eating a Zebra Cake right now. Low blood sugar impulse buy. Darn you product placement checkout trick.

EatingOurWords
EatingOurWords

@gratifihouston There were a couple of semesters in college during which I lived almost exclusively on Zebra Cakes. Dark times.

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