Drawn by Drunken Seven-Year-Olds: The 10 Ugliest Beer Labels in Texas
I can admit it: I am a packaging whore to some extent. A nice label is bound to catch my eye, be it laundry detergent, gin, beer, heroin...By the same token, bad marketing can turn me off of what may very well be a great product.
Why, Tommyknocker? Why?
Beer is a notorious offender in the bad-packaging arena. Across the country, bad labels stalk liquor store shelves. People that make beer aren't always the most visually stimulated folks around, and some of these beer labels are lasting proof that most of these guys may very well be blind.
As anyone who has been to the far reaches of the Northeast can attest, fashion and visual aesthetic are not paramount to these people, and their beer labels show it. Apparently, when you spend six months out of the year being accosted by blinding snowstorms, making things pretty takes a backseat to more important tasks, like not dying of hypothermia in a snow drift.
That's not to say the breweries farther west fare any better. Apparently getting stoned and busting out your kids' crayons is what amounts to label art for a lot of beer makers out west. Colorado breweries alone could fill a third-grade classroom with groan-worthy labels and still not win an art ribbon.
Since there really is so much bad beer-label artwork to choose from, we limited it to bottles with which you could personally assault your eyes at your local grocery or liquor store.
Without further ado, the ten ugliest beer labels in Texas:
10. Twisted Pine Raspberry Wheat
This somewhat innocuous label also has the distinction of being a fairly horrible beer. The label itself looks like something off a $7 plastic bottle of Schnapps. Bonus lazy points: Half the labels look exactly like this, except in a range of retina-damaging colors like sour apple pucker green that maintain the cheap liquor aesthetic.
9. Bear Republic Racer 5
Photo by Josh Mishell
In contrast to the previous entry, Racer 5 is a fantastic beer. It's also consistently easy to pair with a wide range of food, which is why you see it on tap constantly at well-curated places like L'Olivier and Petrol Station. Unfortunately, Bear Republic subscribes to the "let's get high and make labels" school of art. Just like my first college roommate, they think Rasta flags on black are the pinnacle of cool -- and it shows on their entire line of beer.
8. Jester King Thrash Metal
Let me start off by saying that Jester King has, without a doubt, one of the best lineups of artwork in the country, bar none. The art, the quality of the labels, the copywriting, even the layout and fonts are all impeccable. Thrash Metal is the sore thumb here. Seriously, what the hell is going on? I assume what the artist tried to do was take a caricature of '80s-era Dave Mustaine and then added Kerry King or Rob Dukes's goatee. What it actually looks like is a dude getting his face blindsided into a doormat by a tidal wave of butter.
Hite is from Korea. Hite looks like it came from Korea. Actually, Hite looks like if you took a Degree deodorant logo and crossbred it with Miller Lite. The giant plastic bottle itself even looks more likely to hold cheap laundry detergent than beer. Fun fact: Cheap laundry detergent tastes better than this beer.