Drawn by Drunken Seven-Year-Olds: The 10 Ugliest Beer Labels in Texas

Categories: Brew Blog, Top 10

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Why, Tommyknocker? Why?
I can admit it: I am a packaging whore to some extent. A nice label is bound to catch my eye, be it laundry detergent, gin, beer, heroin...By the same token, bad marketing can turn me off of what may very well be a great product.

Beer is a notorious offender in the bad-packaging arena. Across the country, bad labels stalk liquor store shelves. People that make beer aren't always the most visually stimulated folks around, and some of these beer labels are lasting proof that most of these guys may very well be blind.

As anyone who has been to the far reaches of the Northeast can attest, fashion and visual aesthetic are not paramount to these people, and their beer labels show it. Apparently, when you spend six months out of the year being accosted by blinding snowstorms, making things pretty takes a backseat to more important tasks, like not dying of hypothermia in a snow drift.

That's not to say the breweries farther west fare any better. Apparently getting stoned and busting out your kids' crayons is what amounts to label art for a lot of beer makers out west. Colorado breweries alone could fill a third-grade classroom with groan-worthy labels and still not win an art ribbon.

Since there really is so much bad beer-label artwork to choose from, we limited it to bottles with which you could personally assault your eyes at your local grocery or liquor store.

Without further ado, the ten ugliest beer labels in Texas:

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10. Twisted Pine Raspberry Wheat

This somewhat innocuous label also has the distinction of being a fairly horrible beer. The label itself looks like something off a $7 plastic bottle of Schnapps. Bonus lazy points: Half the labels look exactly like this, except in a range of retina-damaging colors like sour apple pucker green that maintain the cheap liquor aesthetic.


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Photo by Josh Mishell
9. Bear Republic Racer 5

In contrast to the previous entry, Racer 5 is a fantastic beer. It's also consistently easy to pair with a wide range of food, which is why you see it on tap constantly at well-curated places like L'Olivier and Petrol Station. Unfortunately, Bear Republic subscribes to the "let's get high and make labels" school of art. Just like my first college roommate, they think Rasta flags on black are the pinnacle of cool -- and it shows on their entire line of beer.


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8. Jester King Thrash Metal

Let me start off by saying that Jester King has, without a doubt, one of the best lineups of artwork in the country, bar none. The art, the quality of the labels, the copywriting, even the layout and fonts are all impeccable. Thrash Metal is the sore thumb here. Seriously, what the hell is going on? I assume what the artist tried to do was take a caricature of '80s-era Dave Mustaine and then added Kerry King or Rob Dukes's goatee. What it actually looks like is a dude getting his face blindsided into a doormat by a tidal wave of butter.


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7. Hite

Hite is from Korea. Hite looks like it came from Korea. Actually, Hite looks like if you took a Degree deodorant logo and crossbred it with Miller Lite. The giant plastic bottle itself even looks more likely to hold cheap laundry detergent than beer. Fun fact: Cheap laundry detergent tastes better than this beer.

Location Info

L'Olivier

240 Westheimer Road, Houston, TX

Category: Restaurant

The Petrol Station

985 Wakefield, Houston, TX

Category: Music


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13 comments
SaintA
SaintA

Whats wrong with the Real Ale: Devil's Backbone? It was better than last years artwork. And that and lost gold IPA are the only good bears they have.

FattyFatBastard
FattyFatBastard topcommenter

How old are you?  Bear Republic's label is obviously an homage to the Powerful Mach 5.

Mon Ica
Mon Ica

tidal wave of butter?! Haha JK beer is good.

Blake
Blake

"Hite is from Korea. Hite looks like it came from Korea."

 

Haha. I got it once - ONCE - because the guy at D&Q recommended it to go along with a mix-and-match six-pack of actual acceptable beer. I think he was fucking with me. I brought it home and my roommate said, "You know that's Korean piss, right?" It tasted like someone dipped the socks of a marathon Starcraft player in some club soda.

kshilcutt
kshilcutt moderator editor

 @SaintA The only good bear is a Baylor bear!

J.A.Justice
J.A.Justice

 @SaintA  For starters: The devil looks like a 5th grader drew it,  It doesn't jive with any other label in their line AT ALL and the color palette is horrible.

 

As far as good Real Ale BEARS: 15th and 16th Anniversary are both excellent. Rio Blanco is national level in it's style, Phoenixx is the best ESB in Texas, Sisyphus is a great beginners barleywine and almost every single Mysterium Verum release is an excellent study in BEAR-rel aging.  So no, I don't think Lost Gold and DBb are the only two good bears they have.

SirRon
SirRon

 @FattyFatBastard Uhhhh, I think you meant BEER Republic. Let's not start mixing those two words.

BrittanieShey
BrittanieShey moderator

 @Blake Hite is the Korean version of Miller Lite, which is why it looks almost exactly like a MIller Lite bottle. But unfortunately, when you live on a rural island in Korea, you'll drink Hite or you'll drink nothing.

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