Alternative Names for Eva Longoria and Tilman Fertitta's "Female-Oriented" Steakhouse

Categories: Leftovers

shebymortons_lasvegas.jpg
This afternoon, CultureMap announced that Houston restaurant kingpin Tilman Fertitta would be teaming up with Eva Longoria and Morton's to create a Las Vegas steakhouse that will "create a feeling of empowerment, especially for female guests."

SHe -- yes, that's the name; no, there's not a typo there -- will be, according to a press release, "an updated interpretation of the gilded age when wealth and excessive opulence ruled America's upper-class." And along with the sense of magical female empowerment that you'll feel by dining at a steakhouse that reminds you of how utterly depressing The Great Gatsby was (Daisy Buchanan makes such an excellent female role model, too), SHe is offering other magical things that women apparently love in a dining experience, reports Sarah Rufca:

Female-friendly details include a fashion show runway, a DJ booth and tiered dining downstairs, in which all tables will face a central dance floor that will feature entertainment in five-minute vignettes. Upstairs the clubbier portion of SHe will have rain curtains, cryogenic fog and "seductive female performers." You know, empowerment!

Honestly, though, I think the real problem with SHe isn't the fact that steak is -- apparently -- an inherently male foodstuff. And I don't think the problem is that most steakhouses are far too frighteningly masculine in nature or decor and don't offer that important feeling of "empowerment" while you eat in their oppressively patriarchal dining rooms.

No, the problem with SHe is that god-awful name. Ladies, here are my own suggestions for Fertitta and Longoria's vag-oriented steakhouse -- a steakhouse that will be so estrogen-powered, fucking glittery pink kittens are going to shoot out of the cryogenic fog at you while you eat.



Alternative Names for Eva Longoria and Tilman Fertitta's
"Female-Oriented" Steakhouse:

Legitimate Steak

Here, Let Me Cut That For You

The Gloria Steinem Bar & Grrrrrl

The Red Tent VIP Steaklounge

Take Back the Knife

Meat Curtains

Fashion Pretty Music Loud Woooo!

I Waxed My Vagina For This?

Gender-Neutral Dining Rooms Full of People Eating Gender-Neutral Steaks and Gender-Neutral White Tablecloths Are Oppressing Your Womynhood (and Are Probably Secretly Racist Too), Trust Us, It's Not That We Just Want Your Money

No Means Bring Me More Steak

Lady Bic Makes Steak Knives, Too

Susan B. Vic & Anthony's

Texas Mammary Glands & Cattle Co., Las Vegas

The Your Self-Worth Should Be Based Solely On How Others Judge Your Waistline, Wardrobe and Dress Size So Don't Eat Too Much Because There's A Fashion Parade On That Stage Every Five Minutes To Remind You Of How Disappointing You Are As A Person All-You-Can-Eat Steak Buffet

Fallopian Filets

Lot's Wife Turned Into a Pillar of Saltgrass Steakhouse So Obey the Men in Your Life, Ladies

Smith and WollenskSHE

FEMorton's


It should be noted that Frilly Pink Vag Steakhouse will be replacing another failed steakhouse concept that Fertitta and Longoria partnered on last year: Beso, which was already shuttered when I visited the Crystals at CityCenter complex earlier this year. That said, the entire Crystals complex is populated with just enough vapid women whose idea of empowerment is wearing the shortest, tightest skirt possible in an attempt to clumsily mate with the man with the most fake tan and the shiniest shirt before any other bitches can step to him -- so maybe I've underestimated the draw that Frilly Pink Vag Steakhouse will have.

Empowerment. Blammo.



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37 comments
Puni_ai
Puni_ai

@Erin_Boudreau "Our steaks as bloody as us"?

Transition
Transition

@AllisonHiromi wow. THAT was scathing!

KDBY
KDBY

This is all wrong. Why would the restaurant want models on a runway during dinner? when I see slender models and dancers it makes me NOT want to eat let alone eat a steak. I think they are speeding toward their own demise.

JohnSeabornGray
JohnSeabornGray

Oh, the ladies ordering at this place are gonna be a hoot and a half!

 

"I like mine rarer than a good man!"

"Well I like mine more well done than sex with a Spanish tennis instructor!"

*laughs all around, Sex and the City theme plays, tampon logo appears prominently*

Russ McClung
Russ McClung

Seriously, Tillman? As if you're not already a douche? He's ruined Morton's and a large number of other restaurants over the years.. Where does it stop dude? You're the fuckin mafia of overpriced shitty themed food. STOP THE FAGGOTRY Tillman; just stop it!

Kate Brown
Kate Brown

I'm sure it'll beat the shit out of all this "MAN. MEAT. BACON GRUNT MAN." marketing that's been going on for the past 5 years or so.

Anon
Anon

As ODD as it might be, let them go for it! If they make a good product and stand on their own two vaginas in the market, good for them! How about some more support for restauranteurs who provide a TON of jobs in this city for COUNTLESS restaurant workers? If someone who's been creating successful restaurants around the city for decades feels like this is going to work we should be an ACTUAL food community and SUPPORT THEM and see what they do BEFORE WE TRASH THEM. 

 

I've seen a lot of TALK about being a food community in Houston, but I don't actually SEE us acting like it very often and it's really disappointing. 

 

N.B. I don't work for Tillman. 

twaynewren
twaynewren

This is monumentally stupid.  But if a differnt anme is needed, how about: "Don't be a Dick"?

Jalapeno
Jalapeno

Golly, it sounds like you don't like the concept at all.  Will the menu be all 6 ounce filets?  They should at least have a date section with 2-1/2 pound porterhouse steaks.  What an odd idea and odder name.  How about Adam's Ribeye?

txjboy
txjboy

How about "SHE-it"?

AllisonHiromi
AllisonHiromi

@Transition yup. A little overboard. See, the thing about being a woman and a feminist is that most don't freak about something so benign.

kshilcutt
kshilcutt moderator editor

 @Jalapeno Gendered marketing in general drives me batty. What part of having a uterus means I need special purple pens or a set of pink tools? Does the fact that the socket wrench is pink mean that now it's better suited to loosening bolts? No. Does the fact that it's pink mean that it's better adapted to my frail, womanly hands? No. Does the fact that it's pink mean that the company that made it is blatantly attempting to make more money by pandering to women, thereby subtly perpetuating the idea that the differences between men and women are so broadly unbridgeable that we can't even use the same tools or pens as each other? Yes. Eva Longoria should be ashamed of herself for participating in such a money-grubbing farce.

 

God, this soapbox is making me all frothy.

etee56
etee56

 @txjboy I was thinking more on the lines of "Vagan - a Steakhouse". Of course, it must be a *legitimate* steak, otherwise the woman's body has ways of, you know, shutting that whole thing down.

 

;-)

 

(btw, @kshilcutt , I am in total agreement with you - this is about as brain-damaged as the whole "breastaurant" thing IMHO. I think I'll take my business to places where both myself and my spouse can enjoy.)

Transition
Transition

@AllisonHiromi also not sure “gilded age when wealth and excessive opulence ruled America’s upper-class” is the best theme at the moment. :)

Transition
Transition

@AllisonHiromi is it “empowering for ladies” (which might go AGAINST fem stereotypes) or ‘catering to ladies’ (which might play INTO them)?

Transition
Transition

@AllisonHiromi but I “get” being tired of having “for ladies!” versions of shit pop up, especially when it seems 1/2 assed or contradictory.

Anon
Anon

 @jajustice  Doesn't matter where they set up shop. They are still a part of our community and it's THIS community that's passing judgement. 

Transition
Transition

@AllisonHiromi and isn’t that the EVERYDAY life for the 1%? Just like that? :-P

AllisonHiromi
AllisonHiromi

@Transition it's over the top! Only place u can gamble 24/7, shop top designers @ eat at the finest places 5 mins after getting a lap dance.

Transition
Transition

@AllisonHiromi I’ve never been, but I get the feeling Vegas is where we’re ALL the 1%, at least WHILE there.

AllisonHiromi
AllisonHiromi

@Transition just saying that it wouldt work anywhere else. It's Vegas, baby! ;)

Transition
Transition

@AllisonHiromi that is an EXCELLENT point, which nullifies the tweet I JUST sent. 1%er Ladies Steakhouse FTW!

AllisonHiromi
AllisonHiromi

@Transition but seriously, it's Vegas! Everything is glitzy and exaggerated.

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