Fortune Cookie Sayings You'd Never Want to Get

Today is National Fortune Cookie Day!

Since that is ridiculous in and of itself, we've compiled a list of ridiculous fortune cookie sayings. We like to call them Misfortune Cookies...

"Yes, that is his new girlfriend in his profile picture. And yes, she's hotter than you."
"We're sure you'll get a new job soon."
"Let's just say you may want to take that trip to the gyno after all."
"Whatever you do, avoid all highways."
"They're watching you..."
"Don't look now, but I'm pretty sure that guy just took a piece of your hair."

"Great news! Tyler Perry just signed on to do the new Batman trilogy!"

"When the cat's away, the mice will the back kitchen. Actually, I think they were rats."
"You have good health insurance, right?"
"It may be time to invest in some Rogaine."
"It's a boy! (And it's not yours. Go on...ask your wife.)"
"Hope you locked your doors!"
"Don't listen to what anybody tells you. That outfit looks great."
"Your boss fucking hates you, man."
"Who needs their front tooth anyway?"
"Terrible, terrible shit's about to come your way."

"Silence is golden, duct tape is silver...and that creepy neighbor you think has been stalking you just bought a shit load at Costco."
"Is that your car outside? Just got towed."

"Screw it. Have another spare rib. You're having a heart attack May 12 of next year anyway, so..."
"They'll offer you free Wonton Soup. Whatever you do, DO NOT TAKE IT!"
"Dead looks good on you."

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My Voice Nation Help

Yes that dress does make you look fat

You will die of dysentery.


"you're going to die" "you will need a colonoscopy next month" "aliens are going to abduct you and probe you in the butt" "Sorry, but it's NOT a cold sore!" "Your significant other is cheating on you!"


*aphorism cookies


I can't remember the last time I got an actual *fortune* cookie. From your list, I'd say maybe three of them count.


Am I the only one who finds non-fortune fortune cookies irritating?


"Your friends don't like you."

"I'd rethink that outfit."

"I'm that voice inside your head."

"Yes. That shirt does make you look gay."

"Yes. That shirt does make you look straight."

"For Christ-sake, stop taking photos of your food. It makes you look like a douche."

"Who taught you to put makeup on?"

"The slutty look works for you."

"We could have fed 5 people in Africa with what you just ate."

"Help! I'm trapped inside this cookie!"

"The waiter spit in your food."

"They know about the body."

"Have you heard of these things called diets?"

"I don't care what everyone says. That dress does not make you look fat."

"You know that steroids shrink your testicles, right?"

“You might as well go home now. You’re not going to get lucky tonight.”

“She fakes it.”

“Viagra prescriptions really aren’t that hard to get.”


And then you only put a few of these misfortune cookies in the  jar mixed in with normal ones so only one or two people at the table get them.





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