This Week in Deliciousness: Doing the Wrong Thing 'Cause It Feels So Right

Categories: Leftovers

"Order up for a...B. Bunny?"
Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating...Our Words, where the hellish heat of the Houston summer months means chefs and bartenders alike are trying to sneak cucumbers into things. QUIT IT.

We started the week off right with a great big celebration of things we know are wrong to do, but we do them anyway. I started going over things that I intentionally do wrong to contribute in the comments, and wound up with way too long a list. Then I started trying to think of things I did right, and all I could come up with was "buy orange juice that isn't from concentrate." And now I'm rethinking pretty much every single aspect of my life. Thanks for that, Katharine.

It's hard to stay in too bad a mood, though, when you can listen to several comedians' best routines about food right here. And because you can never have too much Patton Oswalt, here's what happened when he actually tried a KFC Famous Bowl, and here's his subsequent reflection upon an experimental KFC abomination, the Mega Leg. You go enjoy now.

Our brand-new high-ranking military officer/staff writer General Observations reported in from last weekend's Free Press Summer Fest with some thoughts. As far as my personal opinion goes, I had a sausage on a stick at a nameless BBQ stand that was surprisingly spicy, tangy and delicious. The festival's biggest loser was Pink's Pizza, who served me a burnt ShamWow with tomato sauce on it inside a huge cardboard box that became the single most common litter item I saw. I should add for fairness' sake that I usually love Pink's Pizza and there must have been some kind of fluke. Unless they really don't like my column and had that one failslice waiting for me, in which case: fair enough.

Like to bring your own booze to places? Well, there are some lovely places around town where you can do this, although most of them draw the line at homemade white lightning, I learned during a very dark time in my life. Speaking of crippling sadness: Check out the listless glop Wendy's is serving for sides. No wonder they recently switched to a cute young redheaded spokesmodel who has obviously never eaten a single meal at Wendy's in her life.

You can't compare apples and oranges, so we went with apples vs. bananas. Still not sure how we got away with that. And if comparisons are your thing, check out these celebrity doppelgangers.

The new dessert menu at Kata Robata looks absolutely amazing, and not just the one with like eight different kinds of mango, although that is sure as shit the one I am eying. It might even pass muster with New York City's nanny-state mayor and his war on calories. Talk about the wrong thing done with good intentions. Since when do adults get to tell other adults what they can and can't eat? This makes me want to contract diabetes in defiance. Defiabetes.

I don't know how a product with Southern overtones can get away with calling itself "Slap Ya Mama" since any slapped Southern mama is seconds away from serious counterslapping. Possibly with a pipe wrench.

Finally: Here's where you can go to get awesome cold treats around town. It looks like we are really going to need them.

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Location Info

Pink's Pizza

1403 Heights Blvd., Houston, TX

Category: Restaurant

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 Aaaaaand we have a winner. (It's not "Chuck.")


Dude, do you realize how this sounds? sounds as idiotic as The Shameless Chef. I actually stopped reading this paper for almost two years because of that column. Old people with afflictions or people with birth defects have no cause in their problems. We have laws to protect society from people who can't control themselves. You can't drive drunk, not for you, but for me. You have to have car insurance, not for you, but for me. So if somebody just really thinks they need a half a gallon of coke, then they'll just have to buy 4 large drinks; or maybe after the first one they'll realize how ridiculous that is and drink water.

John Seaborn Gray
John Seaborn Gray

OK, Chuck. Well, what about old people? They're a pretty serious burden on your tax dollars, Chuck, having gotten so damn old. Maybe they should euthanize themselves and make the load lighter for us to bear. What about people who exercise but don't exercise *enough*, Chuck? Clearly their fitness regimen is admirable, yet inadequate, and they'll still wind up costing poor old Poindexter Q. Taxpayer money. Maybe they should be penalized, like they only get admitted in the ER if they suffer an exercise-related injury. Otherwise, we should probably just throw them off the overpass, right Chuck? But wait, Chuck. What about people born with disorders like faulty heart valves, hypertension, Down's Syndrome, or other things that shorten your life span but cause you to rack up serious medical bills in the meantime? What about them, Chuck? Is it okay for your tax dollars to help pay for someone else if they're genetically inferior to you, Chuck, you bastion of physical excellence, you? Especially since they'll only be burdening you for a very limited time. Tell you what, Chuck. You make me a detailed list of which people you would and would not mind chipping in tax dollars for. And be specific, Chuck. Ask around and see if environment, social caste, education, and other factors have a negative or positive effect on people and make sure to notate which of those factors you would and would not want to take into account while shelling out your precious, precious tax dollars. I think this idea's a winner, Chuck. I think you'll be doing us a lot of good as long as you maintain the proper diligence, be precise, and don't cut corners. Thanks so much for being willing to do this. You'd better get started, though, Chuck. It seems like it's going to take an awful long time.


I hope you have insurance, because my tax dollars shouldn't have to go toward paying for your foot amputation. As an adult, you're told what to do all the time, like wearing a seatbelt, for your own good. Maybe you're one of those that thinks they should be able to endanger themselves if they damn well please. It would be cool if it didn't affect me and where my taxes go. So in protest, instead of getting diabetes, you should just pull a Tibetan monk and get it over with.

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