The Single Girl's Guide to Breakup Dining

Categories: Leftovers

breakupsmall.jpg
Illustrations by Monica Fuentes
Is there really such a thing as a non-messy breakup?

Is there a breakup in which neither party turns to a tub of Duncan Hines frosting to muffle the yak-like sounds of their latest, mostly unprompted crying jag? Is there a breakup outside of Pennsylvania Dutch country that doesn't involve inappropriate amounts of liquor consumed in disgusting quantities and combinations?

If there is, I've yet to experience one.

I can, however, offer up the food critic's guide to post-breakup dining. A meal plan, as it were, for the rocky week ahead. Speaking of which, I'm off to buy some more rocky road ice cream and watch another season of Breaking Bad in my swimsuit. No, I'm not going swimming. Leave me alone.



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35 comments
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Corey
Corey

Life is far too short to cry over spilled milk, or worse a male..

Everestbabystep
Everestbabystep

Suggest (now aptly named) Freedom Fries, and a bracingly acidic white French wine. And curl up with 'Super Sad True Love Story'. The humor will put a smile on your face (if your able to concentrate, which is where the wine comes in). A walk around Memorial Park and then reading in a hot bath does wonders. But really it's just a matter of time and regaining yourself. Best of luck!

Christian Palmer
Christian Palmer

Sorry, love. Faxing you some of the pie in my fridge I was planning to not share. <3

Ekh
Ekh

Hi-freaking-larious!!! Thanks for this.  Good stuff indeed.

Eric Henao
Eric Henao

This too shall pass…just like yesterdays dinner…

Nikki
Nikki

When I read the headline I thought, "this better not contain any yoga or cooking." I should have trusted you all along. Nice work, Katharine. If you ever want to hear about a time I cried with donut in my mouth post-breakup, I'm here for you. 

Txvet
Txvet

So sorry, Katharine!  He didn't deserve you.

Joselyne Gonzalez
Joselyne Gonzalez

I like day 3, but not day 4. A banana would make me feel even lonelier.

MadMac
MadMac

Okay, fine, JG, fine. Comment of the day, right there, y'all.

Bruce R
Bruce R

Seems like you post-dump guide should be conditioned on whether the person is male or female, and whether they are the dumper or the dumpee. For example, if a male has been dumped then your Day 1 plan looks good, but Day 2 should be something like a bag of Cheetos and a six-pack of Mickey's.

Reminds me of an old joke (forgive me if you've heard it). A woman goes to her doctor, concerned that her husband's penis is turning orange. The doc asks her what the man has been doing lately. The woman replies "Not much. He's just been sitting around all day watching porno movies, eating Cheetos."

JOKE DOCTOR
JOKE DOCTOR

 Wouldn't that joke be better if it was "on the internet," instead of her knowing that he's watching porno? The way you tell it it'd be silly to assume he wasn't jerking off.

MadMac
MadMac

On breakups, Walter Mosley wrote, "There was no song on the radio too silly for my heart." Now you tell me if that's more/less effective/real to a man or woman.

Katharine Shilcutt
Katharine Shilcutt

Well, it does say "The Single Girl's Guide..." right up there at the top. But I like the idea of a Man's Guide to Break-Up Feasting. I see shades of Ron Swanson's pyramid...

MadMac
MadMac

How is it I'm the only cat out here that cooks and eats (and gains weight) like it's an Italian holiday? Seriously, my first GF moved out and I spend the night, (pre interwebs) learning how to make a veal timbali so I'd never have to make lasagna (her fav) EVER again. My second GF broke up with me and I bought a pit to kill X-mas weekend teaching myself the right way to BBQ, (as opposed to my uncle's method--drink, catch fire, repeat).

Upside? I think I can safely say we've all been there, Ms. Shilcutt and we're not laughing at you, we're laughing near you. 

Ekh
Ekh

Uh, that would be because you're a dude.  Or, am I making a horrific assumption?

MadMac
MadMac

Naw, you're on the money. I am a horrific dude.

Katharine Shilcutt
Katharine Shilcutt

I envy your productive attitude.

MadMac
MadMac

Yes, so did my tailor. Money can't buy love or happiness but chocolate, cigars and red meat were reasonable substitutes.

Christina Uticone
Christina Uticone

Microwave nachos.

1. Spread chips on plate2. Sprinkle with salsa3. Cover with cheese4. Nuke for 60-90 seconds

Also good for: flu, periods of mourning, first meal after you "get back to the gym."

Ed T.
Ed T.

...or you can substitute Flamin' Hot Cheetos for the chips.

Urban Swank
Urban Swank

Microwave nachos...I love it! I am the Randall's Chocolate Cake and Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream" girl...gotta go straight in for the kill. #DeathByChocolate

mbkeever
mbkeever

Started watching Breaking Bad on Netflix three weeks ago... And I just finished the first three seasons.

Gotta' buy the fourth season on DVD when I get off work now. Great show.

Might I suggest adding Girl Scout Cookies? Those always make you feel better. And they go great with Jack Daniels.

MadMac
MadMac

"Might I suggest adding Girl Scout Cookies? Those always make you feel better. And they go great with Jack Daniels."

Comment of the day, right there, y'all.

LW
LW

On my list: mashed potatoes, chicken nuggets, and mac and cheese. I guess I like cafeteria/children's food when I'm down...And yes, ice cream.

Hope you feel better soon.

Katharine Shilcutt
Katharine Shilcutt

God, I think I'm going to Luby's for lunch now.

ostiones
ostiones

Please tell me you had the rectangular fried fish and the killer tartar sauce.  The mac and cheese is a given.

Ed T.
Ed T.

I second the blue jello. And third it. And fourth it...

Bradg
Bradg

 ....and carrot salad, a couple of rolls and a piece of chocolate cake.  Maybe some blue jello for good measure.

Wagordon
Wagordon

Bless your (broken) heart. I recommend a "cheer-up cheeseburger" outing somewhere....

Wanda
Wanda

I'm so sorry and hope this week of indulgences picks you up. Feel better!

Jalapeno
Jalapeno

Sorry!  :/  Lots of fish in the ocean and all that.  Enjoy your freedom for a while.

Katharine Shilcutt
Katharine Shilcutt

I want to eat all of those fish, especially if they're tuna. And raw. And served with a little wasabi.

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