What I Want In My Easter Basket

bunny 2.JPG
Photo by Joanna O'Leary.
Bullshit bunnies.
In one of his stand-up routines, Jerry Seinfeld has a terrific bit on Halloween, in which he says the "only clear thought" he had in the first 10 years of his life was: "Get candy."

Hmm. "Get candy" still dominates my psyche 30 years later...and counting. Which is probably one of the reasons why Halloween is my favorite holiday and why "Cadbury Creme," not "Christ's crucifixion," are the two words that first spring to mind when someone mentions Easter.

Although I can no longer attend egg hunts, at least not without provoking police intervention, I still enjoy a good Easter basket -- even if I have to compile and assemble it myself. (By the way, it's a shame there aren't Hunger Games-style egg hunts for adults in which participants fight to the death for sweets.)

In the past, EOW bloggers have recommended certain candies over others, and while I agree with Christine Uticone's naming of the chocolate bunny as the No. 1 confection, I have to add a footnote.

A big chocolate bunny (or lamb or chick, whatever animal suits your fancy) is indeed an essential component of the Easter basket. A solid chocolate bunny.

bunny 1.JPG
Photo by Joanna O'Leary.
These bunnies deserve to smirk; they're solid.
"It's still chocolate," I can hear some of you saying. "What's the big deal?" Empty bunnies have empty souls. I don't care if they're generally cheaper and we're in the middle of an "economic crisis"; Jesus didn't try to bargain with the Romans in the garden, so don't bargain with your kids at CVS.

Older children given rabbits filled with air read the writing on the box and can at least emotionally prepare themselves for a shite consumption experience. Imagine, however, the illiterate tyke who bites in the ear of her bunny expecting a solid mouthful and instead finds herself swallowing more air than chocolate. Even more horrifying is the subsequent, inevitable collapse of the animal shell as she continues to eat. The treat, which by appearance would require an hour or more of licking and chawing and sucking of chocolate, crumbles and melts within in a matter of minutes in her hands, not in her mouth.

Sure, other treats remain: jelly beans, kisses, Peeps, maybe a few eggs stuffed with peanut butter or coconut. But her hopes are dashed. The chocolate rabbit had such potential. She wonders even if such solid treats actually exist. They do, little Joanna, they do.

Don't let this happen to your child. If you're really tight on pennies, avoid the big and hollow and go for the small and solid.



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4 comments
Palmer, ugh
Palmer, ugh

Palmer iiiiisss grooooossss.

One year I got a solid chocolate bunny. It must have been at least a pound, and I was young enough that gnawing on it for days and days wasn't at all gross to me.

H_e_x
H_e_x

I remember the days when an Easter Bunny would last for days. Now I'm lucky if they can last an afternoon.

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