The Hangover Guidebook

Categories: Booze

hungovah.jpg
craigmdennis
Step 1- Try to locate wallet. Step 2- Freak the shit out. Step 3- Find wallet in pants.
Crusted over with dense sleep, your eyes creak open like an old gatepost. Your first breath lacks the sweet new kiss of life that a newborn inhales, replaced by a cloud of bar smell and metabolized-alcohol breath. After a few feeble attempts, your tongue comes unstuck to bask in an oral arid wasteland. Lifting your hand to clear the drool paste from the corner of your mouth, such sudden movement causes your head to split asunder. You haven't even sat up, yet.

And then you say what we have all said, at one point or another:

I'm never drinking again.

Yeah, right. That's no fun at all.

There are, however, many things one can do to mitigate the effects of your old friend, the hangover.

Caffeine

How many times have you seen the cool, protagonist anti-hero stagger into a cafe and mumble a grizzled: "Coffee...black"?

This of course piques the waitress's interest, and she inevitably falls for him, getting her heart broken in the process because she just can't change him.

Caffeine can actually help a severe headache. Many over-the-counter pain pills have caffeine additives. Caffeine increases the pills' analgesic properties, and it can also allow for quicker circulation and absorption.

Just drinking coffee won't necessarily help your hangover. Some of the physiological effects of caffeine can certainly alleviate certain hangover symptoms, but coffee could also further dehydrate you, making it that much worse.

Drink water, too.

Water

This should be fairly obvious.

Water is the best possible cure for-- and prevention of-- a hangover. Your brain will actually swell due to dehydration, and the pressure of your brain upon your inner skull can contribute to those massive, pounding headaches. Maintaining a proper water balance in your body is the absolute best step to take both the night of drinking and the morning after. Your body is about 60 percent water. Alcohol can severely dehydrate, so get some of it back in you. Hopefully, you can hold it down.

Cures for Nausea

Personally, if I wake up with nausea, I pull the trigger and get that poison out.

There are other remedies for nausea, however, ones that don't necessarily involve brutal, self-induced vomiting. Fresh ginger tea, ginger ale-- both are known to help settle your stomach.

At the very least, get into a hot shower or bath-- preferably, a sauna. You can sweat out some serious toxins in a sauna. I, personally, take a Jack Bauer. Part bath, part shower. Bauer, Jack Bauer.

Food

You can't expect a certain food to cure your hangover. Fruit helps because of the sugars and the vitamins, and eggs certainly replenish certain lost essentials, but there is nothing you can have to cure all your maladies the morning after.

You can, however, try and nip the whole process in the bud with something in your stomach the night before. Getting something filling-- and preferably greasy and starchy to help absorb the alcohol-- into you before or during a full-on rager can help absorb some of that alcohol. Shouldn't be hard to stop drinking long enough to stuff something in your face, I'd think.

The best cure for a hangover is not drinking. That's no fun, though. Alcohol has been a part of human culture for basically as long as there has been human culture. It has been there to remind us of our civility, and at the same time remind us that we are little more than animals. It makes us dance, fight, sing, fall, stumble all over the place and then do it all over again.

If there is a god, I think I'd like him to be the god that Benjamin Franklin said exists:

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

If there is not a god, well, then console yourself with the same beer-- it will make you just as happy, and the hangover will still end up being your own fault.



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28 comments
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JimF
JimF

The best cure for a hangover is to simply never stop drinking.

Gunsandtacos
Gunsandtacos

No "hair of the dog" fans in here? A michelada or a spicy bloody mary can be a magical hangover remedy.

pbd007
pbd007

Plop Plop Fizz Fizz. Alka Seltzer before crashing. Takes discipline but it works

sbterry
sbterry

Mexican food and a cold beer!

John Seaborn Gray
John Seaborn Gray

Of course my wallet is in my pants. BUT WHERE ARE MY PANTS, SAM?

Sam Brown
Sam Brown

Don't capitalize your letters at me, John.   And if you are referring to your fashionable mom-jeans with the shiny patterns on the back pockets, I have no idea where you left them.

eurolatin
eurolatin

In the past I have used mostly pills and such, but when hangovers always seem to happen more often and the bodys age is not able to take it anymore I realized how dumb it is to poison your body even more after you poisoned it with alcohol. So I sought out natural ways to cure a HO. By logic something that re-hydrates you, takes out the toxins in your body and something that takes out the swelling of the brain resulting from dehydration should do the trick. So I tried several things that now allow me to recover much faster and that with advancing age. Mexicans taught me about what they call "suero", translated a serum. It is Apple Juice or Apple Soda and Topochico Mineral water. Always have some in the fridge on weekends. The electrolytes such as POtassium in apple juice do the trick it seems. Sugar helps too, but normally sugar makes you crash later. As do sugars in Coke and other sodas. If potassium and other eloectrolytes are the key, then Coconut water is also a good choice and so I have been drinking that sometimes. Has worked so far. Recently I discovered a japanese drink called UKON power, a Turmeric extract drink of 3.4 oz that so far has worked every time. It has artificial sugars but the main thing seems to be Turmeric. If the head pounding is heavy Ibuprofen is my choice since it is anti-swelling and as some person wrote below the swelling of the brain is part of the problem. And then water to get you to go so you can expel toxins from your body in the way it is supposed to happen. And eat liver and kidney friendly food the next day. Fat and drugs such as strong pain killers absorbed through the liver, will just make your liver more work and hence make you pay each hangover after a 20 year lease. The best way of course is to drink the good and expensive stuff, so you have purity in your drink and a limit on your wallet that will also limit the amount. But that is like not having sex because you can get pregnant or get STDs.

Janice Wilson
Janice Wilson

re: rgwalt - NSAIDs (naproxen and aspirin aka Aleve and Motrin or Advil) are just as bad for your stomach as aspirin. In fact if you can find buffered aspirin that might be better.

rgwalt
rgwalt

I stand corrected.  I have not had problems with naproxen or ibuprophen bothering my stomach, with or sans hangover.  Unbuffered asprin gives me pretty bad stomach pain unless I take it with food.

SHUT UP AND EAT!!!
SHUT UP AND EAT!!!

pfft. fucking amateurs. A muscle relaxant and a double bloody mary.

rgwalt
rgwalt

Eating before drinking definitely helps.  With food in your stomach, you won't be able to drink as much as quickly.  Spreading out your consumption will help you not be as hard hit the next day.  For mild hangovers, I recommend lots of water followed by some exercise (a short run), followed by some food, a shower, and a nap.  You'll feel better when you wake up, and feel like you accomplished something more than just being miserable for a half day.  For severe hangovers, I recommend lots of water, mexican food, micheladas, and some serious time spent on the couch watching something mindless and napping. 

Avoid tylenol (liver), asprin (upsets the stomach).  Stick with naproxin or ibuprophin.  If you are so sick that you can't hold anything down, including water, then stop consuming anything for 4-6 hours to let your stomach "reset".  You shouldn't die of dehydration during this short span provided you are a healthy adult with no underlying medical conditions such as kindey problems or diabetes.  After 4-6 hours, start with very small sips of water, dilute gatorade, or pedialyte, every 15 minutes.  By small sips, I mean 1/2 shot or less.  If you can hold this down after an hour or two, start drinking more. If not, then take a trip to the doctor, urgent care, or ER to get some anti-nausea meds and IV fluids.

Corey
Corey

Coca cola, vitamins, and some spicy soup. Sounds horrid but it works.

GL
GL

That doesn't sound so horrid. Also, you misspelled "Vicodin"

rgwalt
rgwalt

On the couple of occassions I have mixed the too, vicodin has made my hangovers worse.

Mag
Mag

The best thing out there for a hangover is Pedialyte.  This stuff really works! Its full of electrolytes and  potassium (why a banana works too). It is the best solution for dehydration.

Geezy
Geezy

Yep, Mag beat me to it. Pedialyte, two Aleve and you are good to go. Personally I take a Pedialyte with a 10MG Norco and I am good to go. 

Ted Stickles
Ted Stickles

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit, Clay Davis says a 10MG Norco will cure just about anything that ails you

Dwilkinson
Dwilkinson

Just be sure that, no matter what you do, you don't take Tylenol for a hangover.  It has the potential to damage your liver, which combined with the damage you've already done is probably not a good thing.

brandius
brandius

30oz of water, a handful of aspirin, a pot of black coffee, three B12's and two Emergen-C's.

I still throw up and go back to bed, so Im not saying it works, Im just saying its what I do.

Hugh Ramsey
Hugh Ramsey

Sweating out toxins?  Tell me more.

Ted Stickles
Ted Stickles

Don't forget the best hangover cure of all - a big ol' freshly rolled fatty. It certainly helps the nausea, at least.

MantaRay
MantaRay

A fatty and Mexican food! Nice plate of greasy enchiladas or menudo. 

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