My Favorite Seasonal Candy

Categories: Sweets

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jeffadair
I want candy, bubble gum and taffy.
As I popped open my first St. Arnold's Spring Bock of the year, my mind turned to the passage of time. Mercurial in nature and impossible to halt, time offers us an ineffable, constant partner in life's dance.

Spring becomes summer, summer becomes fall. Winter dawns and is swallowed up by the grey beast of February. Life is at once beautiful and harsh-- the duality of the human experience so markedly poignant and rare.

And as the seasons change, so does the candy we eat.

Candy. You love it. I love it. Mandy Moore sang a song about it. Candy rules and you know it. Wilfred Brimley knows it, and now he does commercials for at-home diabetes treatment, so take a hint and don't love it too much or you'll end up with a club foot.

Every season has its own holiday we associate with it, and every holiday has its own candy. You can hate the shit out of the holiday, but you can love the candy just as much. Plus, the best part about seasonal candy is that, once the holiday is over, the candy is immediately marked half-off. That rules, too.

What follows is a list of my favorite seasonal candy, starting off right now with V-Day.

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Muffet
Actually having a chocolate heart wouldn't work. It would kill you. How is this romantic?
Holiday- Valentine's Day
Candy- Russel Stover's Chocolates


When else do you eat these rich, overly sweet, nougat/coconut/crispy/whatever-the-hell-that- white-stuff-is-filled chocolates? Never. To me, these chocolates are synonymous with Valentine's Day. My old man always got my mom a box of these for Valentine's Day, and my brother and I would always rob her blind, leaving her the shitty coconut ones, or the ones with the caramel so tough that they'd rip your braces out.

For no other reason than sentimentality do these admittedly marginal candies make my list.

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Photo by bunchofpants
Holiday- Halloween
Candy- Bottle Caps


Sue me. If you say candy corn, you are unoriginal and clearly enjoy viscous saliva. I can't get down with either of those things. I just don't jive with them, you turkey.

Bottle Caps are a seriously under-appreciated candy. I remember rooting around in the bottom of my bag, trying to come up with extra packets of Bottle Caps. Root beer-flavored, cola-flavored, grape, cherry...mmmm. Superior to Sweet Tarts, not as chewy and uninspired as Spree and certainly triumphing over any dumb fruit your neighbor tried to give out. (Honestly, why would you give me an apple? It's almost exactly the same weight and size as a baseball. You are asking for a broken window.)

Bottle Caps are a great Halloween treat, and my favorite. You never seem to see them anytime else. If anyone knows where I can get a steady supply of these badass little gems, please, hook a brother up in the comments.

Holiday- Easter
Candy- Robin's Eggs


Amidst a holiday involving crucifixion, the walking dead, magic and a giant bunny who hands out effigies of itself for children to eat, one can find some of the prime seasonal candy to be had.

In fact, Easter takes the cake with the best holiday for candy. Seriously. Most things by Cadbury rule (my GF would knife somebody for mini eggs), you can get a huge variety for cheap and there's a certain tangible joy in masticating the severed head of an over-size chocolate bunny.

Robin's Eggs are my personal favorite, though. I love the crunchy malt, thin chocolate coating and crispy candy shell. I eat them until my mouth dries up and forms a crust. Then I call up Wilford Brimley and mainline some insulin and I'm good to go, again.

Also, bonus: I think this is one of the best ads ever. SFW. Cadbury's ad.

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Mike_fleming
Drink it down and feel good.
Holiday- Christmas
Candy- Booze Candy


Screw Christmas.

There, I said it. You know you want to say it every time December rears its ugly head. I don't much care for any holiday that is so fraught with stress, tension and spending buttloads of money. All anybody wants is to exchange gifts and go home as soon as humanly possible. A time of giving, joy and charity invariably collapses into a two-week morass of stress, running around malls for stupid stuff no one needs and can't afford, while trying to be nice to extended family and friends that you never see and wouldn't see, voluntarily. Ugh. Get through it how you'd like. Christmas offers plenty of sweet treats, but I'll stick to booze.

Booze is great.

What are your favorite holidays, and what are the sweet treats that you associate with them?



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12 comments
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Howie
Howie

If you chase anything with a shot of Wild Turkey, you can never go wrong. Well done sir.

Dagg01
Dagg01

Now I know the true merit of technology: confirming suspicions via a blog..../yer ma

Daniel Castillo
Daniel Castillo

I know where you can get a ton of free bottle caps. It's this place called the trash.

Megan
Megan

You fucking asshole.  Club foot is a congenital issue; I was diagnosed with a club foot when I was born.  Diabetics can sometimes have their feet amputated because of poor circulation and neuropathy.  Two completely separate issues.  Do a little research before you go spouting off.

Chris
Chris

Yeeeesh. You'd think that after what I'm sure was years of (senseless) ridicule you might have grown thicker skin.

Not for nothing, but you admitted that the problem here is lack of research, but you started your comment with "You fucking asshole." I don't think poor planning makes you a fucking asshole.

Sam Brown
Sam Brown

I fully reserve the right to do absolutely no research whatsoever.  Journalism 101, people. 

Sam Brown
Sam Brown

That comment made me laugh my ass off. 

Ali
Ali

Always go with the "you're foot will fall off if you eat that" joke. I'm a diabetic and my husband tells me that all the time. And I laugh my (fairly huge) ass off.

Not Sam's brother.
Not Sam's brother.

I would like to offer up the following statement in reaction to the "robbing our mother blind (of chocolates) comment". I first robbed my brother blind, then worked my way up the food chain to mom's candy. And thank God the dog never got into the mix, or it would have really been a chocolate mess.

Sam Brown
Sam Brown

Scout doesn' tlike chocolate.  Or you.  He told me.

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