The 10 Dumbest Meat-Related Crimes

Categories: Meat!, News

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Not everyone's picky about how their meat is served: raw, in a Walmart, both...
Last week, we brought you a short compendium of the dumbest fast food-related crimes, eventually reaching the conclusion that McDonald's Chicken Nuggets make people do crazy, crazy things. (Don't tell me that correlation doesn't imply causation!)

This week, we take a look at the dumb things that meat makes people do. The skyrocketing cost of beef could very well lead to more crimes of the steak-stuffed-down-a-man's-pants variety in the future, so prepare for meat crimes to increase in number as well -- the Internet already has.

After all, there's already an entire Tumblr site devoted to meat crimes.

10. A quick protein boost

We all know the story by now of the man arrested for snacking on raw meat in a Walmart. Wait, you don't? The mostly toothless gentleman above was arrested on charges of felony theft in Pennsylvania after Walmart employees found him eating raw ground beef and hamburger stew, then putting the packages back on the shelves. C'mon, guys...he's got no teeth! He was just tenderizing the meat as a favor to the other customers!

9. Small-town crime blotters are the best

If it weren't for them, we'd never know about the evil masterminds in Cleburne, Texas who made off with a $30 ham from the Red Chew Chew BBQ & Grill. Animals.

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8. I thought this only happened in the movies

No one commandeers cars in real life. In real life, that's called carjacking and you get shot. But no one told that to 28-year-old Kayla Hogan (above), who attempted to "commandeer" a man's pickup truck...with his mobile hot dog stand still attached. Even better, Hogan was a dispatcher in the Colorado Springs police communications center with two DUIs under her belt when this happened. She was arrested and charged with attempted aggravated motor vehicle theft, which could get her up to 12 years in prison.

7. DTMFA

If your girlfriend responds to your request for a dinner roll by beating you mercilessly with a raw steak, it's time to DTMFA.

6. I was just defrosting them!

The most unlikeliest excuse ever for shoplifting -- I was just holding the meat in my pants; I wasn't going to take it! -- was offered up by a South Carolina man who was arrested attempting to steal a pack of steaks from a Food Lion. "I have money for the steaks," insisted 35-year-old Scott Horner. "I didn't steal them; I just put them in my pants."


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11 comments
Mag
Mag

When I worked retail, people used to ask to use the restroom and then steal the toilet paper, soap and anything else that was not bolted down.  Or a favorite was to buy an ice chest and stuff it full of things and put it on the counter, not saying a word about the contents inside.

Oliver Schmieding
Oliver Schmieding

new president-pretender mittens wouldn't even be able to steal a 12$ steak - 

the  Romneyizer calculates that he makes about 60$ in the time it would take him to speed thru the aisles, from entrance to meat racks. http://www.slate.com/articles/... 

csoakley
csoakley

Incident number 5 is a "no bill" in Texas.

Nicholas L. Hall
Nicholas L. Hall

In Texas, at least, No. 6 might have had a case. That is assuming he didn't leave the store with the meat in his pants, but was merely carrying it around the store thusly. Back when I worked retail, we received specific training about customers carrying merchandise in their pants. As long as they stayed in the store, there was nothing we could do about it.

Katharine Shilcutt
Katharine Shilcutt

Also, was this at a grocery store? I remember when I worked at Barnes & Noble that we would take merchandise away from customers all the time: for dog-earing pages in books, for highlighting/underlining in them, for taking them into the bathroom with them. It was a filthy place (and I loved almost every minute of it).

Katharine Shilcutt
Katharine Shilcutt

But...but...but... That's so unsanitary! Y'all couldn't stop them from pressing their own dirty clothes and/or flesh up against the products you sold to other grocery store shoppers? I'm so curious about this. Tell us more!

Jalapeno
Jalapeno

There's a Seinfeld episode for that experience (of course).  George tries to return a book he has taken to the bathroom.  The Bookstore episode.  Hilarious.

Nicholas L. Hall
Nicholas L. Hall

Also at Barnes and Noble, actually. Bookstop to be specific. Our loss prevention regional manager, Hector, told us that, as long as they didn't leave the store, we couldn't accuse them of stealing. Technically, from what I understand, the shoplifter has to pass the POS; in my store, though, the layout was such that they could pass the POS and still theoretically be shopping.

You can, of course, institute store policy about things like bringing merchandise into the restrooms (not that it worked; I could tell you some truly terrifying stories. One involves a couple of tall boys and a can of Pam.), but that doesn't make it illegal.

Nicholas L. Hall
Nicholas L. Hall

Katharine, you have no idea the depths of depravity of which Bookstop customers were capable. I could write a book. I've seriously considered it, actually. We haven't even discussed the employees, yet. . . On an only slightly related note, did you know that Wes Anderson worked at Bookstop back in the day, and that several of the characters from the bookstore scenes in Bottle Rocket are (supposedly) based on former Bookstop employees?

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