Bloodsport and Oxtopus on Last Night's Top Chef: Texas

I am proud to report that the above photo is now the one of the first search results for "Asian Leghorn."

...aaaaaand we're back! Last week, I drank heavily and recapped the first episode of Top Chef: Texas. Check that recap to familiarize yourself with the dumb names I've made up for nearly everything on this show so far.

After a short montage of the first two rounds of contestants' cooking calamities, the show recaps for us what we already knew (but what the remaining chefs don't): There were 11 coats given out last week, with four chefs on the bubble and 10 left to cook for THEIR LIIIIIIIVES.

Or something. So the structure of the show will be a predictable two rounds: the remaining 10 chefs compete against one another, then those left on the bubble from the entire affair will compete in a Gladiator-style bloodsport with maces, and then Padma's left breast will give a thumbs up or thumbs down to the survivors.

"We're like prisoners in a room together," says Asian Leghorn. How did he know I was picturing them as Roman slaves?! "We're starting to bond." He says this directly before side-eyeing it to the camera as he sleazes: "I don't want to get too close to people."

Antics like this are why I don't watch reality shows.

Hugh's unibrow's feelings are hurt.

Padma introduces Hugh Acheson and his unibrow while some creepy dude talks about having photos of Padma in his locker in high school.

Finally! It's Texan chef Paul Qui! He looks as serious as a Merchant-Ivory film, and fellow Austin chef Andrew "Redbeard" Curren is suddenly afraid of Qui's game face, as he should be.

Meanwhile, Locker's qualification that he trots out after all the James Beards and Food & Wines is: "I was nominated by my mom as one of her two favorite sons." Everyone laughs, but you can see in Tom Colicchio's eyes that he died a little while he did it.

There are 10 items on the table, and the chefs have to choose among them which ingredient they'll have to cook with. Under the cloche is a surprise. I hope it's horsemeat. (It's not. It's never horsemeat.)

Now the contestants are talking about "oxtopus" and I'm sad because that's something I wish really existed. They find out what's under the cloches and -- like I predicted -- it's not horsemeat. It's a stopwatch that looks oddly like my alarm clock from 1986. Each chef has their own clock, with times on them ranging from 20 to 60 minutes, and has that amount of time in which to cook their dish. Locker is suddenly regretting that he chose the risotto because he only has 40 minutes in which to cook it. It was nice knowing you, Locker.

Qui already has Hughnibrow hovering over him, which must be the most frustrating feeling in the world. I already don't want to talk to people while I'm cooking, and I'm just cooking ramen noodles for Broke-Ass Carbonara and I've got all goddamn night to do it. If Hughnibrow was hovering over me, asking shit about "Do you know how much cholesterol is in those ramen noodles, Katharine? A LOT." I'd freak out and burst into tears.

I'm removed from these disturbing thoughts by Redbeard telling the camera: "I just want to show the world what us Texas cooks can do." ME TOO, REDBEARD.

"Sous chefs shouldn't be underestimated," says some random girl. Who says they are??