What Kind of Coffee Do You Unwittingly Resemble?

Categories: Caffeine

waitress_taking_order_in_coffee_shop_bld024783.jpg
You look like...a grande mocha, no sugar, no whip, extra dry, half skim, half whole milk with caramel. Sugar-free caramel. Jerk.
This weekend, I stopped into Inversion for a caffeine infusion in my preferred format: a cortado, which is a shot of espresso cut with an equal amount of steamed milk. No foam on top, nothing fancy, no flavorings -- just the facts, ma'am.

When it was my turn, I stepped up to the counter and placed my order. The barista behind the counter regarded me with some confusion. He, in a red hoodie with the hood raised over his head, was the proud owner of a fantastic beard, many tattoos and a prominent captive bead ring through his septum. I, in my Talbots jeans and Anthropologie necklace, likely looked hopelessly bourgeois and suburban -- always have, always will.

"I've gotta say, that's not what I expected," he finally said.

"I'm sorry?" I responded, equally confused.

"That's not at all what I expected you to order," he replied with a laugh.

I turned to the guy behind me in line, who'd chuckled along with the barista. "What kind of drink did y'all expect me to order?"

The other customer -- who, like the barista, looked every bit the "typical" Montrose resident (whatever that means anymore) -- responded with: "You look like a pumpkin pie latte kind of girl."

The barista nodded his agreement. "I honestly expected you to get a pumpkin pie latte or something like that."

I didn't know what to say. Was it my ginger-esque hair? My waistline? Did I resemble a pumpkin? Or did I just look like the kind of clueless suburbanite who stumbles into a "serious" coffee shop and orders the most dessert-like item on the menu?

Most baristas are nothing like the ones in this video, it should be noted. That said: FUNNY.

When Starbucks first rolled out the Frappuccino, two of my best friends at the time were managers at Starbucks stores in Houston. They lamented the introduction of the frozen drink that both required the use of a noisy, time-consuming blender and required them to tolerate the gaggles of teenagers that ordered the coffee-shakes ten at a time and took over the coffee shop while sucking them down.

Needless to say, Frappuccino-spotting became a popular pasttime in their Starbucks stores and hundreds of others over the years.

"One learns to instinctively know who's going to order a Frappuccino, and dread evil frap rushes," wrote one Starbucks employee on an Ask the Barista FAQ. "The closest analogy I can come up with is being a bartender and dealing with a constant flow of orders for little blended girly drinks."

I felt as if I'd been Frappuccino-spotted that morning in Montrose: instantly pegged as the type of customer who neither knows nor respects their coffee, and relegated to a second-tier consumer with a single glance. It was both insulting and intriguing.


Location Info

Inversion

1953 Montrose, Houston, TX

Category: Restaurant

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61 comments
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Someguy
Someguy

White People Problems.

Sihaya
Sihaya

"White people problems" is the new "Firsties!" of internet cliches.

Someguy
Someguy

Give me a more fitting description for this article and I'll gladly use it.

Sihaya
Sihaya

Hm.  You answered one only half of my point, and did so with more short, nonspecific statements.  No, I get it just fine. 

Someguy
Someguy

That you believe WPP was referring to coffee says you are unfamiliar with the term's meaning.

Sihaya
Sihaya

Huh, I didn't know that coffee was a white people beverage, and I didn't know that fun thought exercises equalled problems.  I won't offer you an alternative, original description; you should bother to make one if you're bothering to A) read the article B) post and C) followup.

David Cornell
David Cornell

Either I'm boringly vanilla or just non-remarkable, but I don't think my appearance could be typified by a coffee drink.

I think that's what they said about Ted Bundy and John Wayne Gacy too. 

Jeff
Jeff

When I tell people I don't like coffee, they stare at me like I have leprosy, so I'm pretty sure I wouldn't care if I decided I wanted a frappucino and the barista looked at me like I just shot his favorite indie hipster band.

John Seaborn Gray
John Seaborn Gray

As far as intolerance for your preferences goes, the only people worse than Christians are coffee drinkers and people who like really, really hoppy beer.

Brittanie Shey
Brittanie Shey

Yep. I don't like coffee either.

Coffee is merely and Irish cream delivery mechanism.

Bill Cat
Bill Cat

In a city fulla Red Necks, Waterbugs, mosquitoes and wetbacks, there still room for rich dingbats, apparently -- like this woman.  Don't tell me, six generations of crude oil mixed with Wannabe Baptists and Republicans.

illegal1
illegal1

Coffee beans, straight out of the bag, no water. Cause thats how I roll.

Frank Freeman
Frank Freeman

Yeah, drinking coffee is so last year, I just put the grounds straight under my eye lids. No more fucking around.

Steve
Steve

The best coffee that I ever had was while in London (Earl's Court) and I visited a Starbucks. I always get a regular coffee with cream and sugar. The cream that they gave me was absolutely the best I have ever had. It was thick and creamy and it made my coffee incredibly tasty. Unfortunately here in the States I cannot find it.

Nona
Nona

drinkin' it black with a fireman or a cajun to get it strong enough to taste...

Fake
Fake

Coffee. Black. That's all I ever order. All the rest of you are a waste of my time.

 b w h
b w h

A red eye with a little milk. Or an Americano

2kool4school
2kool4school

douches gonna douche. whether they're slinging coffee, wearing greek letters, driving an expensive sports car, wearing skinny pants, reading particular literature, hanging out downtown...er, midtown...er, washington, drinking microbrews, playing certain instruments/equipment, using certain computers/software, riding fixies, listening to some type(s) of music, pontificating about philosophy, eating "rare"/"quality" food, whatever.  

those kind of people like to think their knowledge about something they are passionate about makes them better than those who don't know or don't care, *and* they like to judge others based on it -- instead of just enjoying what they care about, and wanting to share their love/knowledge of it with others.  'cuz it feels so special to be a leet insider and have secret/special knowledge!  and to be able to look down on others because "man, those mindless morons just don't know".  (but please remember that no scene is composed *completely* of douches...although some have a higher ratio than others.)

the best part is watching two different types of douches judge each other, without either one knowing they're just like the person they're denigrating.  e.g.: hipster barista, meet entitled suburbanite. : )

Frank Freeman
Frank Freeman

hmm.. I see your point but I think you missed mine. I was specifically talking about the douchey frat dudes.

I was just trying to give 3 different archetypal examples of people. It was as arbitrary as, "bus drivers, skateboarders and people from the south"

I apologize on behalf of humanity that stereotypes exist and some of them offend you.

2kool4school
2kool4school

i wasn't referring specifically to you, or your comments in the article, frank.  my comment wasn't a response to any particular point of yours.  i'm sorry you took it that way.  (my "hipster barista" was an archetype as well. as was my "entitled suburbanite".)  i was just waxing in general about where douches can be found (anywhere), and what makes them douches: it's not the culture they are in, per se, but the way they deal with and treat others.  (although a culture can reinforce or de-emphasize it.)  i know plenty of fine people in all different types of cultures and subcultures.  and i also know some douches. : )

i know your last comment was sort of a slap at me/my comment because you were defending yourself in some way, but i want to expand on it a bit - not as a rebuttal toward you, but just in general, without responding to it as simply a snide snipe: 

yes, some stereotypes do offend me.  here's some to think about: muslims are extremists who want to kill all non-muslims.  white southerners are racists.  people on welfare are lazy freeloaders.  mexicans are trashy.  liberals/conservatives are mindless idiots.  polish people are stupid.  skinheads are racists.  jewish people are greedy.  people of faith are brainwashed.  educated people are elitist jerks.  black people are lazy.  rich people are self-entitled asses.  music/coffee/beer people are snobs.

i don't expect you to apologize on behalf of humanity for stereotypes (although i appreciate the attempt ;), but i would assume you can agree with me that stereotypes can easily be bad or not beneficial?  that in general stereotypes shouldn't be used to judge every person who seems to fit into a category?  and some stereotypes *should* be considered offensive.

i do believe stereotypes in general have a place and a purpose, and it's built into humanity for us to quickly categorize things/people/situations.  it's one thing to have a stereotype, and keep it in mind (i.e., the archetype you referenced) - but we should fight against acting toward individuals based on the lower level thinking of stereotypes, and use our higher level brain functions to try and judge each person as an individual if possible.  it's too easy for a stereotype to become a generalization and then become a label that gets applied to everyone without thought.

(and i'm not trying to speak down to you or anyone here, i struggle with being judgmental based on stereotypes.  but yes, it is something i try to take notice of.)

mollusk
mollusk

It's not a stereotype if it's true.

Bruce R
Bruce R

So you judge people and refer to them as douches because you think they judge people?  Oh wait, they judge people unfairly whereas your judgments are correct.  I get it now.  You are smarter than everyone even though for some reason "douches" fail to acknowledge your brilliance, apparently because you think that they think you drink the wrong brand of beer.

Believe what you want to believe.

2kool4school
2kool4school

you said you got it, but you didn't.  it's okay though, you believed what you wanted to believe.  and according to you, that's what really matters, right?  i get it now too. : )

2kool4school
2kool4school

yes, we are, my sock puppet.  yes, *we* are. : )

illegal1
illegal1

Try not to provoke them, they're made from vintaged gym socks. Plus they're ankle biters. 

Bruce R
Bruce R

I stand corrected.

You and your army of sock puppets are a force to be reckoned with.

Craig
Craig

I drink the vanilla bean frappacinos (no coffee at all).

But then... I don't go to Starbucks for the coffee.  I go there for the internet hotspot and I would feel bad using up wi-fi without paying for something.  I'll also occasionally buy one of those breakfast sandwiches.

T.L. Hamilton
T.L. Hamilton

My tastes change all the time. Sometimes I want an espresso. Sometimes its black coffee. Still others it's a gingerbread latte (tis the season) or even (gasp) a frappucino.

What doesn't change is my confidence level. Who cares what the barrista thinks; I'll order what I want and I'll tip for decent service. 

Brittanie Shey
Brittanie Shey

I'm a latte girl. No sweetener, no flavor, just the milk (and the foam. The best part). But I never liked the flavor of coffee until I had my first cup of French Press and I'm more likely to drink it black now. Though I still want the milk. Milk or Bailey's.

On another note, is the first chick in line in that video Neph?

Nunyo Bidness
Nunyo Bidness

This kind of cr@p is why I stopped going to starschmucks. It's not your business what we order. just make it and shut up. not everyone is an overbearing coffee snob.

Bruce R
Bruce R

I've been to Starbucks (and other coffee shops) hundreds of times without incident.  Maybe the problem is you?  You seem like a jerk in this forum, so there's a good chance you're a jerk in person as well.  Said differently, maybe you're getting the response that you elicit.

Nony
Nony

On that note I'm not calling anyone who makes coffee a barista sooner than I'll call the guy making my sandwich at Subway a 'sandwich artist'.

Frank Freeman
Frank Freeman

... it's just a job title. It means bartender in Italian, the country espresso was invented in. I don't particularly respect Rupert Murdoch but that doesn't not make him Chairman and CEO of News Corps. I don't like Bud Light, but it's definitely beer.

Seems like if you're willing to spit out "The idiot who makes my coffee" instead of "barista" everytime you need to refer to the guy at the counter, all that extra effort puts the joke on you.

gusdog
gusdog

I'm a latte girl. No sugar. No flavor, usually skim milk with the foam (the foam being the best part). But I'd always hated the taste of coffee until I had my first cup of French press. I still need milk, but I'll never drink another cup of drink again.

But anyway, is that Neph at the front of the line in that video? LOL.

Ophu
Ophu

,,. 

Dixie Wreck
Dixie Wreck

what an insufferable group of fucktards

Frank Freeman
Frank Freeman

The tea party? I know I can't stand them either.

What an insufferable lack of punctuation or understandable subjects.

Bruce R
Bruce R

But he said fucktard.  That's a super cool word.

Nunyo Bidness
Nunyo Bidness

no the occupy space fags

Frank Freeman
Frank Freeman

Hey that's uncalled for, our American Astronauts are national heroes!

simkatu
simkatu

I was drinking shiate coffee blended with ice cream and booze before any of these stupid "barista" soda jerks were even born.  Who cares what people like to drink, you pompous asses?  Thank God Almighty anyone is willing to pay you $8/hour to serve them anything at all!  You realize you're not that attractive or very intelligent if you're making douchey frat boys $10 frozen drinks and then bitching at the whole thing afterwords like they're the one's doing life wrong.

Frank Freeman
Frank Freeman

I care very much what people drink; it's my job to do so.

The earliest espresso machines were used by baristas in the 1820's and I seriously doubt you were making coffee/booze milkshakes back then.

Some people don't care about getting coffee from a shop, they'd rather make it at home. Other people routinely tell me it's the best part of their morning. And they come back every single day.

Your profile links directly to a site "exposing the church of scientology". I, for one, couldn't care less about what the church of scientology is up to, and am perfectly content making coffee with my time, but I certainly don't automatically assume you're a pompus asshole because your interests are different than mine despite the fact that you're obviously a xenophobic idiot.

simkatu
simkatu

Frank, if you love serving douchey frat boys their $10 coffee milkshakes and giving them exactly what they want, then you're obviously not the pompous ass I was critiquing.  I'm talking about the whiny folks making $8/hr telling anyone that drinks something other than some Ethiopian espresso made from donkey dung moistened beans that their favorite coffee drink is not good enough to be served to them without a snarky wink.  If you love coffee and love serving folks what they want, then that's great.

And I'm not Xenophobic for exposing Scientology.  It's a dangerous cult that is responsible for the deaths of many people, including one person that I loved very much.  If you'd read up about Scientology and speak to the thousands that have escaped from the cult, then you would hold the same opinion.

Frank Freeman
Frank Freeman

First: I have never seen a $10 drink that didn't have booze in it.

I wasn't implying that you're xenophobic for "exposing" scientology. Maybe I wasn't clear, I don't give a shit about scientology, but I certainly don't think you're a pompous ass for being really into it and having opinions that are likely contrary to other people's. I just think you should extend the same courtesy to specialty coffee. I think your opinion of the entire industry is based on myth and fantasy hearsay (ie $10 milkshakes) and you actually don't really know anything about it.

You think the church of scientology is a sham and hurts the cause of truth and goodness.I think pumpkin pie/spice venti carmel frappa-whatevers are a sham and hurtful to the cause of good coffee.

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