Ick or Treat: The 5 Worst Halloween Candies

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Photo by Wendell Oskay
UGH.
Kids (and some adults) look forward to Halloween all year. And why not? You get to dress up like a lunatic and extort food from people at their very own front door, without any fear of repercussion. Every other night of the year, you get arrested for that shit.

So don't spoil Halloween for the few kids whose parents still let them cruise around unsupervised, accepting candy from strangers. Encourage this simple holiday and these innocent kids: don't give out any of the following candy.

5. Jujubes / Jujyfruits

As evidence that these candies have always been horrible, consider the fact that one of the original Jujube flavors was "rose." Name one kid who wants to eat rose-flavored candy. It was changed to cherry some time ago, but the fact still remains that the tough, overly chewy Jujubes are mostly flavorless excuses to rip the fillings out of your teeth. As an added bonus, they look like someone cut the nipples off of gigantic gummy bears. Gigantic, angry, nipple-less gummy bears who will come for your children in the night in search of revenge.

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Photo by Jack Zalium
Actually, with the exception of the Sky Bar, this is a great visual reference guide to candies that suck. Especially you, Cherry Mash and Chick-O-Stick.
4. Dum Dums

Any candy that is given away for free at doctor's offices, bank lobbies and hair salons across the nation is not special, and therefore undeserving of being a Halloween treat. Does anyone really like Dum Dums anyway? Or do they just suck on the bland lollipops they fish out of a dusty bowl on a receptionist's desk just because they're there? It's difficult to imagine someone exclaiming, "Dum Dums! Awesome! Let me see if they have my favorite flavor, Chloraseptic root beer!

3. Peanut butter bars

We're not talking about good peanut butter bars, like Butterfinger. We're talking about that Texas terror, Atkinson's peanut butter bars. If a Kit-Kat had a sordid affair and slummed it up with dollar store peanut butter, this would be the bastard offspring that would result from the union. These candies are found in church candy dishes and old ladies' houses across the state. I once threw up a handful of them on my grandmother's rug, after discovering they taste like wax paper and the dust from the bottom of a jar of Planter's peanuts.


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29 comments
Grayson Pate Neal
Grayson Pate Neal

I have to say, I absolutely love Jujubes, but not Jujyfruits. And saying Cherry Mashes are terrible?! That's just crazy talk.

apppleeeeeeeeee
apppleeeeeeeeee

WHY IS THE APPLE LOGO IN THE BACKGROUND OF THAT PIC??

icecycle66
icecycle66

Zero Bars are great, as are Atkinson Peanut Butter Bars.And you are full of crap if you have ever eaten a mint Aero bar and say you didn't like it.

Since when are nerds a bad thing?

What are you looking for, 1 pound bags of skittles and wads of sugar frosted cash?

Mbeaumont8
Mbeaumont8

This Katharine Shilcutt is damn funny!

Chris
Chris

There's nothing wrong with Razzles! At least not the original "flavors."

Noonan
Noonan

I love Chick-O-Sticks! I guess you don't like Butterfingers either because inside a Butterfinger is basically a Chick-O-Stick!

Ali
Ali

I agree except with Dum Dums. I love cherry Dum Dums. Sometimes around Valentine's I find big bags of just cherry ones. I love them so much. They make cute bouquets in little fish bowl vases. 

Jack_Around
Jack_Around

How about those miniaturized shooting clays, Necco Wafers

Mae
Mae

Jolly Ranchers are worse than any of these (at least any I've tasted). Do the wax things still have false teeth shaped wax?

CameronByars
CameronByars

I agree completley about Dum Dums, those are no treat. I do LOVE Chick-O-Sticks though!!

Corey
Corey

Woah hold on a minute jujubees are good, albeit only perfumed with flavor, about the only thing semi comparable to Rowntrees fruitgums which I absolutely love.. Fresh and soft they're great, approaching their expiration date they're akin to fruity scented tire rubber (jujube's).. You want good ones buy a box dated to expire in 2012 or later.. Can't believe you heathens are dogging on my candy.. Why not diss candy corns the grossest confection known to mankind, or smart-e's aka chalk..

Chuck
Chuck

Say, now. There's a Valomilk in your 'candies that suck' picture. That ain't right.

Poop
Poop

Dude, the Blueberry Dum Dums are actually good. Of course, they do turn your mouth blue.

trisch
trisch

OMG angry de-nippled giant gummy bears! LOL.  As for dum-dums, I'd rather drink Robitussin. The all-time worst treat I ever got at Halloween was the year the crazy old lady three doors down from us finally fell off her rocker and handed out wads of old pantyhose to all the kids who came to her door.

Terry Alexander
Terry Alexander

Katharine, Katharine, Zero's, Chick-O-Stix and Atkinson's? I have to disagree 100%. They should all be in the candy hall of fame. Good stuff.TA

Jesse Rodriguez
Jesse Rodriguez

First off, Butterfinger sucks. Second, Atkinson's Peanut Butter Bars and Chick-O-Stick... wonderful. +1 for old-timey candy.

Megan
Megan

I was about to ask what was wrong with Maltesers, then I saw that they were the white-chocolate variety.  Those are an abomination upon all malted milk balls.  Carry on.

Brooke Viggiano
Brooke Viggiano

Def having a nightmare involving angry, nipple-less gummy bears now - so thank you for that!!

Megan
Megan

YES.  THIS.

Katharine Shilcutt
Katharine Shilcutt

Smarties definitely fall into that love-it-or-hate-it realm. I'm a Smarties lover.

Katharine Shilcutt
Katharine Shilcutt

You could have slipped those pantyhose over your face later and robbed her house. Just sayin'.

gray beard
gray beard

Zero is a classic candy bar. And I love those cheap-ass peanut butter things.

Ed T.
Ed T.

And we will probably see a version of your nightmare documented on thebloggess.com within the month.

Angry Nipple-less Gummi Bear vs. Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken!~EdT.

Corey
Corey

MMMM vaguely sweet chalk that isn't an antacid, where can I get some?  Candy corns are still the worst, I swear some fool must have brought those abysmal things on the Mayflower they are so intertwined with Halloween etc, and still manage to get worse every year.. 

Cheflambo
Cheflambo

White chocolate is an oxymoron

Megan
Megan

Even white chocolate macadamia nut cookies?

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