Five Staples of the Soccer Mom Cabinet

Categories: Top Five

soccermom.jpg
Photo illustration by Monica Fuentes
Believe it or not, I can remember a time when "soccer mom" wasn't necessarily a pejorative term. My theory: certain real/desperate housewives' reality dramas and sitcoms have significantly reinforced the negative associations surrounding this figure. But f&*k that, ladies. If there's two or more kids sleeping upstairs, a mini-van in your driveway, cleats in the garage, and these five items in your cabinet, proudly wave that Soccer Mom flag.

5. Instant coffee. Essential on those "mornings" when little Johnny decides to start throwing up at 3 a.m. ('cause Starbucks doesn't open until six). Coffee fuels the Mom Machine, and though she prefers a slightly classier blend, she can always pass off the remaining cheap stuff onto her mother-in-law.

4. Fruit Roll-Ups. Under pressure from other soccer parents to provide healthful snacks yet also desirous to be a "cool mom," the SM cleverly compromises by bringing fruit roll-ups to practice. At least the strawberry kind fulfills 10 percent of your daily Vitamin C requirement.

3. Marshmallows. What do Rice Krispies treats, hot chocolate, Fluffernutter sandwiches, and s'mores all have in common? You guessed it. Marshmallows are to soccer moms as tomatoes are to Italian grandmas. If only she could grow them in the backyard.

2. Pancake & Waffle Mix. Weekends often require something more special for breakfast than cereal and pop-tarts. But three nights in a row spent nursing the twins means the SM doesn't have enough energy play Martha Stewart for their older brothers and sisters. When these fake flapjacks are doused in Mrs. Butterworth, the kids and husband can't tell the difference.

1. Large Bottle of Cheap Red Wine. "For cooking," she says demurely. Yeah, right. There's nothing wrong with a little 2 p.m. pick-up, and the SM likes her "mommy juice" with extra tannins.



Follow Eating Our Words on Facebook and on Twitter @EatingOurWords
My Voice Nation Help
14 comments
eatingrules
eatingrules

Pleeeease tell me this post is satirical. 

Megan
Megan

Lipton packaged soups!  My mom would make a slow-cooker pork tenderloin with a packet of Lipton onion soup mix and water.  Let it cook all day, have me make the vegetable when I got home (usually broccoli) and make salads and you have dinner.

Izzyvision
Izzyvision

If that's your pantry, I want to know where you get Habitant Soup around here!--a Quebec expat whose parents won't bring her the good stuff anymore.

ArchieLeach
ArchieLeach

I would f*ck the shit out of those marshmallows right now.  Jumbo Maxi?  Sure. 

Maggie
Maggie

Choosy Moms Choose Jif :-). Including some Kudos bars would have totally brought me back.

KAC
KAC

Soccer Moms and single people with no discernible talent for cooking or desire totally can relate to this list.

Corey
Corey

Sorely missing granola, gatorade powder,  and oranges the staples of most soccer players..

guest
guest

Kinda sounds like my pantry during freshman year of college. all thats missing is the ramen and lonestar.

Katharine Shilcutt
Katharine Shilcutt

You would...fuck?...the marshmallows?? Am I reading this correctly? I can't even begin to comprehend the mechanics of this mating, if so.

Joanna O'Leary
Joanna O'Leary

Very true. But the children of the "soccer mom" don't necessarily have to play soccer. The term is broader than its origins.

SirRon
SirRon

Admittedly, it is hard to tell. That's because most of us are lacking in the sense of the humor.

Now Trending

From the Vault

 

Loading...