The Five Best Places to Break Up

coffeebreak.jpg
Andrew Fischer & B.Viggiano
Have a coffee break...up
With summer flings coming to an end, it's time to put up or break up. And as we all know, breaking up is hard to do. Just ask Neil Sedaka. So, I'm about to make it easier with a list of Houston's top spots to ditch your sweetheart-turned-slightly-creepy-stalker. These places will provide the perfect ambiance for a mess free break-up, with easy escape routes and instant rebound options to boot.

Get your best "it's not you it's me" speech ready and turn those tears into beers at these local joints:

5. Howl at the Moon

This dueling piano bar gets rowdy on Friday and Saturday nights, supplying just enough loud music and chaos to confuse your ex-lover once you break the bad news. You can even use the live music to your advantage. Their riveting rendition of TLC's "No Scrubs" will do the work for you. Just don your best space suit, look your man in the eye and repeat after me: "Nooooo, scrubbbs, no, no!" If he doesn't get the point by the third chorus, that's his fault, not yours. Want a softer approach? Try some Righteous Brothers "Lost That Loving Feeling" as you break it to your girl that it's just not there anymore. The soft melodies from the piano will ease the tension and soothe the heart. If not, the giant fishbowls should help.

4. The Chocolate Bar

What's a break-up without ice cream? Bring your soon-to-be-ex-sweet for some sweets at Houston Press Best of Houston winner award winner. The chocolate euphoria created by over-indulgence may boost serotonin levels enough to fool your new ex into a temporary state of well being. Just make sure to ditch out before it wears off. But watch out. With choices like the rich chocolately Creamy Dreamy Truffle and decadent Toffee Coffee Time, you may want to limit yourself to just a few bites - you are back on the market after all.

3. Sambuca Jazz Café

Happy hour available so you don't have to break the bank for that last drink? Check. Crowded bar so your date can't make a scene? Check. Hot singles for an instant rebound? Check. 'Nough said.

2. 3-6-9 Oriental Bistro

If you want to give your ex the respect of a last meal, there's nothing better than quick and cheap Chinese. This place has all the pluses; above average Chinese food, incredibly speedy service, a great location right next to a liquor store (in case you're feeling the guilt and you want to pick up a six-pack), and most importantly, an eerily quiet atmosphere. Seriously, I was there last week with my fiancé and we even ordered in whispers. It's awkward enough trying to chew your crispy noodles there, let alone cry hysterically over a break up - this place is a drama-free guarantee.

1. Niko Niko's Market Square

In case you have a lurking suspicion that your soon-to-be ex-lover is a raging psychotic, this place has a few major positives. First, located right in downtown's open and airy Market Square park, it provides instant access to several quick and easy escape routes. Second, and perhaps of even more importance - plastic silverware. No Lorena Bobbits welcome. Finally, of much less significance but I just wanted to add it, their falafel rocks.

Happy break-up season!



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14 comments
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Jen
Jen

don't forget olive garden... i was broken up with there - ruined unlimited salad and breadsticks for me, asshole.

MelissaMcCart
MelissaMcCart

This is built on the assumption that people actually have the courtesy to break up in person, as opposed to text and gchat if not a post-it. That said, it helps to get to a place early and brief the server to move things along-- as fast as possible.Or stick to coffee for a sexless meetup.

Ralphy
Ralphy

If you are seated by the register at 3-6-9, there's a cat with a wagging tail that makes an repetitious, grating noise.  But the food is good.

illegal1
illegal1

You forgot to list any of the local food trucks. That way, when he/she waits in line for their order, you can drive off yelling that it is over.

Corey
Corey

Heh good list and immediately applicable to my life unfortunately.. Lol...

Andrea
Andrea

I talked to a staffer at a shall-remain-nameless local bakery a couple of weeks ago who told me that "let's get a divorce" was the oddest thing anyone had ever had her write on a cake. We've been talking about that ever since. Do you go with candles on a cake like that? Do you get the person's favorite flavor, or one you like but they hate? Did the person cry a little, then think hey, there's cake ...

Ali
Ali

As a card-carrying Drama Queen, I will have to point out that none of those places would stop me from decimating some dude's soul post cheesy breakup. The availability of food and drink just gives me something to throw at him.

GUEST
GUEST

"Crowded bar so your date can't make a scene?"

When has that EVER stopped someone from making a scene?  I saw a raging breakup at Vargo's one Friday night.

Katharine Shilcutt
Katharine Shilcutt

No one's said it yet, so I will: I am totally having my barista draw break-up latte art the next time I decide to call it off with a dude.

James
James

Haha! Anytime my friends and I talk about going to 369 we always whisper "Do you want to eat at 369?" That place is so quiet...

Early Cuyler
Early Cuyler

I once broke up with a girl on the Strand in Galveston.  I failed to think about the hour long ride home beforehand.  Very awkward.

Rip
Rip

What a great list of choices!

Also, don't forget, next door to 3-6-9 is Half Price Books, self help books abound!! 

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