Drunk Watermelon: The Memorial Day Classic

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Photo by mynameissharsha
All of this watermelon could be vastly improved with the addition of vodka.
This almost goes without saying, but very few things complement an afternoon of barbecuing or grilling like a slice of ice-cold watermelon and a pleasant buzz. That's where Drunk Watermelons come in.

A slice of Drunk Watermelon is the best of both worlds: sweet, red flesh that's cooling and delicious, that also comes with a little kick courtesy of a bottle of vodka, which has been allowed to slowly saturate the flesh as it's stored overnight in the fridge. We'll teach you how to make a Drunk Watermelon (or several) for any Memorial Day barbecues you're invited to this weekend; you'll be the hit of the party (certainly more so than if you brought a watermelon basket).

Step One

Buy a watermelon. This seems basic, but there are some considerations to be taken into mind: You want a watermelon that thumps nicely when you hit it. No thump means the fruit isn't ripe. And nothing is worse than a mealy, light-pink slice of watermelon. You also want to consider the size of your party and the size of your bottle of vodka. The general rule of thumb is one liter of vodka per large watermelon. It would also be cool if you could find a square watermelon, but you can't in the United States. We need to teach the Japanese to spike their crazily shaped watermelons, but that's a post for another time.

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We really like this stuff. Your mileage may vary.
Step Two

Buy some booze. Because this is Texas, we recommend sticking with options like Tito's, Dripping Springs or Savvy vodka. And you may be asking yourselves, "Why vodka?" Because we like the taste of watermelon, that's why, and we don't want anything getting in the way of that. That's why people drink vodka, after all; they don't want to taste the booze. If you want to be a unique and special snowflake, do something like Drunken Pineapple with Railean Rum or a bowl of Drunken Kiwis with gin. Whatever.

Step Three

Cut a hole in the top of your watermelon. Not the side. It doesn't have to be a huge hole, just large enough for you to pour in the hooch.

Step Four

Pour that hooch on in there. Remember: one liter of vodka per one large watermelon. No one will like you if you oversaturate the watermelon by getting overly enthusiastic with the booze. And this is all about people liking you, remember?

Step Five

Carefully transport the watermelon to your fridge and store it, standing up, for at least 24 hours. It should go without saying that you need to store the watermelon with the hole pointing up. We also recommend that you cover it with Saran Wrap if your fridge is the kind of disgusting manhole that smells like old cheese and Chinese takeout.

Step Six

Carefully, again, transport the watermelon to your party and/or carving station of choice. The vodka should have soaked into the flesh in the last 24 hours, but you don't want to take a chance on it and have the backseat of your Nissan smell like watermelon vodka (which, coincidentally, is a new women's fragrance coming soon from Jessica Simpson) for months.

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Photo by robbplusjessie
We like this clever watermelon slice storage system.
Step Seven

Carve that sucker! You can carve it into whatever shapes suit your whimsy. Just make sure that everyone gets their fair share. Eat and enjoy.

Also, do not have watermelon-eating contests with Drunk Watermelon. It will end very, very, very badly. Possibly even with an appearance on COPS.

This may seem like a lot of steps, but consider the fact that frat boys across the South mastered this skill a long time ago and you'll be fine. And remember, if there are any kids at the party, keep your Drunk Watermelon tray very far out of their reach unless your Memorial Day plans include a visit with CPS after the holiday weekend.



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8 comments
Gunsandtacos
Gunsandtacos

"Cut a hole in the top of your watermelon. Not the side."

I am so confused.

Brittanie Shey
Brittanie Shey

"Step ThreeCut a hole in the top of your watermelon."

Is it bad that I read this to myself to the tune of "Dick in a Box"?

Mai Pham
Mai Pham

This was so educational, thank you! I now know the true meaning of "hooch." :) 

CathyWonderful
CathyWonderful

If you have access to injectors, there's no need to cut into it first and you can more evenly distribute the vodka. Greese it up, through it in a pool (it will float) and you have have an instant water football game. With hilarity to boot.

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