He Is Risen! The Dumbest Foodstuffs in Which Christ Has Appeared

Categories: Leftovers

zombie-jesus-crop.jpg
He doesn't want brains. Just your eternal soul.
This Sunday, April 24, is Easter, the day which Christians traditionally celebrate as the resurrection of Jesus Christ after being dead and entombed for three days. Never mind that the holiday itself is named after a pagan Anglo-Saxon goddess, Ēostre, who was once revered as the guardian of the dawn -- Easter is now about zombie Jesus!

As befitting His reputation for showing up at unlikely times (say, oh, after being suffocated to death by crucifixion and buried in a cave with a giant stone blocking the entrance), Jesus also tends to appear to His followers in things like toast and tortillas. Because in addition to having nothing better to do, Jesus is also a foodie.

In celebration of Easter, here's a list of the most unlikely and downright stupid places Jesus has chosen to appear. Tofu, Christ? Really?

In a pieróg

I love pierogi and I love Jesus, but I am not about to (a) admit that this scorch mark looks like anything other than a scorch mark or (b) pay $1,775 for a burnt pieróg on eBay.

In a bag of Cheetos

Somehow, this Dallas couple made the staggering leap from noticing that one of their Cheetos looked "like a person in a robe praying" to deciding that it was none other than Jesus Christ in Cheeto form. I have to think that an all-powerful deity who rules heaven and earth would pick a more dignified medium in which to manifest Himself. I picture Jesus sitting up on a cloud somewhere saying, "REALLY, ASSHOLES? YOU THINK I LOOK LIKE A CHEETO?" It's kind of insulting, really.

In a tortilla

Perhaps the most famous of the Jesus food sightings, the tortilla in which Maria Rubio first saw Jesus back in 1977 now has its own shrine. A tortilla. Has a shrine. I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure 1 John 5:21 and all of the Pauline epistles specifically prohibited idolatry. But what do I know; maybe God makes exceptions for tortillas.

On a Marmite lid

This image in no way resembles a human face, let alone that of Jesus Christ. Yet if a struggling mother sees Jesus in her jar of yeast spread and it comforts her, who am I to cast stones? "We've had a tough couple of months," her son told the BBC. "My mum's been really ill and it's comforting to think that if he is there, he's watching over us." Fine; you've tugged at my heartstrings. Have your Mar-Christ.

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Seitan Christ will make an appearance on the next episode of CSI: Wherever They're Filming That Crap These Days.
In a hunk of seitan

The most disturbing thing to me about this particular instance of religious paredolia is how closely the seitan resembles a rotting hunk of human flesh (seen at right). So not only do you have a simulacrum of Jesus dying on the cross, it looks like something that was the direct result of some dark transubstantiation ritual gone wrong.

In a grilled cheese sandwich

This burn mark looks more like Marlene Dietrich than it does a grown man, let alone Jesus. But that didn't stop Diana Duyser of Florida from calling it the "holy toast" and selling it on eBay with a starting bid of $3,000. Profiting from idolatry? Yes, I'm sure Jesus would approve. It's not like he ever went batshit crazy inside a Temple and threw out all of the greedy, defiling moneychangers. Oh, wait.

And when Jesus is busy, he sends in his mom to do cameo appearances, like the Virgin Mary that appeared to an elementary school cafeteria worker on a pizza pan right here in Houston. It's a family affair.



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14 comments
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BLESSING
BLESSING

The writer of this article's attempt to be comical is poor in taste. I too find the food appearances to be fair fetched at times but it's not what you wrote it's how you presented it. By the way, Christians who have well studied the Gospel and the origins of "Easter" refer to this time as "Resurrection Day". My prayer is that you have an encounter with GOD that will strengthen your faith to the extend that you will never again desire to come close to making a mockery of Jesus; during such a holy time for those of us who are called Christians including YOURSELF.

Thenonymous
Thenonymous

Wait a minute.You find people recognizing patterns and shapes in their food MORE far fetched than a guy (who just happens to be a living god walking the earth, disguised as His own son) coming back from the dead then flying up into heaven???

Chiamobambino
Chiamobambino

Please, we don't need this goofy backward thinking and belief in the Bible. We can believe in charity, renewal, right and wrong, without all the bronze age baggage. If you choose to believe in myths and miracles and all the rest, you have that right, but don't push it on the rest of us who place rationality over faith.

Jay Francis
Jay Francis

Last Christmas when I started seeing "Let's Put Christ Back in Christmas" bumperstickers around town I rubbed my hands in anticipation of being able to print and display a "Let's Put Eostre Back in Easter" bumpersticker this month. However, I did some research on line and, frustrating as it is to me, it's possible that we got our name Easter from Eostre-Monath, meaning the month of Eostre in the same way that, for example, Wednesday comes from Woden's Day which was based on a belief that Woden and the planet Mercury had a relationship. In other languages (Mercredi, Miercoles, etc.) the Mercury connection is closer to the Latin cause they didn't start using Norse dieties like we did in English. So the belief that Easter is based on an older festival for the pagan goddess of Spring Eostre may not be correct. And it was such a good bumpersticker idea!

wwjd
wwjd

I actually watched Tortilla Heaven, The Movie, all the way through once. Pretty funny jabbing.

Lennie
Lennie

Seeing the Zombie Jesus reminded me of a joke...

What do vegan zombies hunger for?

GRAINS! GRAINS! GRAINS!

ExcellentWorkK
ExcellentWorkK

This is a bit of a morbid fascination of mine. I have also asked the question, "Do you go to Hell for selling a Jesus Cheeto? Tortilla?" If a Cheeto has stigmata, does it ooze queso?

Nice Jewish kid, that Jesus.
Nice Jewish kid, that Jesus.

Eh. What's the harm? Whether He's a tortilla burn, or a hunk of plastic covered in fake blood nailed to the wall of your local cathedral - as a good luck charm, He's going to do you about the same amount of good at this point.

Cheflambo
Cheflambo

Jesus shows up in MANY truncated forms, and not just on food. Anyone who was spoon-fed catholicism back in the day was exposed to all kinds of images that are forever burned into our little brains. Thanks to the internet, we don't have to wait for Sunday School to revisit them: www.jesusoftheweek.com

simplyrick
simplyrick

Hallowed are those who walk in unison for the Cheetos!

EOW Reader
EOW Reader

While the ideas of Jesus appearing in a variety of foods is both hilarious and absurd, I think it would be more respectful to leave out the jabs at Christians' celebration of Easter. Respect for all religions even if their teachings seem far-fetched. Otherwise great article.

Gentian32
Gentian32

Religion deserves no more respect than you would grant someone who believes that eating yogurt underwater can make one turn green and fly into the sky. I don't get this idea that we ought to respect a bunch of myths, as though they are something special and worthy of leaving rational land.

Katharine Shilcutt
Katharine Shilcutt

I am Christian. What I'm jabbing is religious paredolia. I think it's more than a little offensive (not to me personally, but to any religion as a whole) to claim that you've seen your god in a snack food...and then to try and profit off of your "religious experience."

EOW Reader
EOW Reader

I'm with you on that! Didn't mean to say that it wasn't silly to claim Jesus has taken the shape of a puffed up orange corn snack. (Which was very funny, btw) Maybe I read the comment about Jesus showing up at random times (for example being suffocated on a crucifix, etc) as a little sarcastic thats all. I guess I just took it wrong.

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