Five Foods Experiencing Identity Confusion

Categories: Top Five

My general food philosophy: if I want a corn muffin, I eat a corn muffin. If I want oysters, I eat oysters. But I guess I'm in the minority because judging from supermarket shelves, many people want corn muffins...that taste like oysters. There's a glut of products trying to be something they're not; here are the five foods in the midst of a serious identity crisis.

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5. Cookie Crisp Cereal. Chocolate chip cookies and milk used to be reserved for afterschool snack. Now, thanks to General Mills, you can have them for breakfast. I'm not saying chocolate should be taboo in the morning (see: chocolate chip pancakes). Just skip the pretense of eating "cereal" when it's clear you're consuming cookies.

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4. Pepperoni Pizza Combos. How is a spherical cracker filled with dehydrated fake tomato and cheese paste as satisfying as a gooey, dripping pepperoni pizza? The former might be marginally cheaper, but I bet its fake pepperoni saltiness is just enough to remind you what you're missing. Drag out the coupons and call Domino's, for God's sake.

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3. Wrigley's Strawberry Shortcake Gum. It's not that I wouldn't want my breath to smell like strawberry shortcake. But I find it rather frustrating to keep tasting cream and berries and cake but never consume anything substantial in the process of endless mastication. Come on, people, have your cake and eat it too -- and leave mint and cinnamon to gum.

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2. "Wild Herb Stuffing" Jones Soda. Now, I recognize this soda is intended to be a fun novelty and that when combined with dry gin and bitters, it actually makes a pretty good cocktail. I am nevertheless amused that the good people at Jones attempted to distill the flavor of a savory (and often very dry) holiday casserole into a carbonated beverage.

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1. Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts. If you ask me, the only legitimate flavor of Pop-Tarts is strawberry with white icing. I can deal with Chocolate Fudge or Wild Grape or even "20% RDA Fiber Brown Sugar Cinnamon," but "Hot Fudge Sundae" is too much of a stretch. If you're craving a sundae, you probably want something wet, cold, sweet and creamy, qualities that can never be replicated in a chalky mass-produced breakfast pastry. I don't get it.

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2 comments
H_e_x
H_e_x

Those pizza combos are good shit.

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