This Week in Deliciousness

Categories: Leftovers

Animal Farm_Jason.jpg
A gentleman from Animal Farm lays out some bait to capture the elusive ManBearPig, said to be delicious if prepared properly.
Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, where trading leftover Halloween candy has eclipsed fantasy football around the office. We've even got a stock ticker set up. Dots, Twix, and Three Musketeers are way up, and you can't unload a Sugar Daddy or a Charleston Chew to save your life. Good 'n' Plenties are, of course, grounds for immediate banishment from the floor, while Sixlets, against all odds, seem poised to overtake M&M's.

In case the high-stakes, pressure-filled world of stock trading isn't for you, we thought up some other stuff you can do with your leftover candy. Also: it's not necessarily the worst thing in the world to just let the kids have it.

To go gourmet, or not to go gourmet? At last you have some answers, and we'll even give you an extra tip for free: TV dinners. Definitely go gourmet. Splurge on a Nighthawk. Spoil yourself. And there you have it, free advice from a smug, sarcastic ass (me). Seems kinda overpriced.

Is it possible to cook the perfect meatball? We say that any form of balled meat is in itself a perfect thing, yet some people would still prefer to get a little fancy with it. Not that we necessarily disagree, as there is definitely something to be said for going all-out.

Come to think of it, we definitely prefer a little care and class above places that settle for serving average food or can't be bothered to turn your order in to the cooks. Anyplace that has a coherent philosophy, cares enough to upgrade, or at the very least serves a bunch of fried shit is likely to go over well with us.

Philidelphians continue to insist that it is impossible to satisfactorily throw bread, cheese, and shredded beef together outside their city limits, so if you think you've found a cheese steak you like outside of Philly, clearly you're fucking wrong. Also: if you don't let the sauce sit on the pasta for a while to "meld," YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG. It doesn't matter that both the pasta and sauce are going directly inside your face to be chewed into a united paste by your molars, they need to "meld" first. LIKE VULCANS. WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE LISTEN???

If you're looking for a good Communist fable about how a bunch of soldiers tricked some townsfolk out of their food through the power of the Placebo Effect, look no further! Kids need to know this stuff, just like they need to get started on spicy chips early, so that they don't try one at school and look like a gagging, crying pansy.

H-E-B really does try to please the community. They did so recently by holding a vote on everyone's favorite preliminary design for the new store in Midtown, which is a really good idea. Not like vegetarian pate, which may be one of the worst ideas we've ever heard, right next to allowing prisoners to take knife-throwing classes and a spool of some kind of high-tensile rope we found in our garage that just says "Colon Floss" on it that we really hope is some kind of gag gift.

If you like for your cake to be filled with little chewy bits with the consistency of scrap paper and wood chips, you're in luck: we had a carrot cake Food Fight that should interest you. Speaking of fighting, we did a tour in 'Nam this week and it wasn't bad at all. Frankly we don't know why everybody's always saying "Vietnam was hell" this and "I came back a broken man" that.

McDonald's has removed the Happy Meal toys from said meal in San Francisco, after getting sued by The Grinch. Speaking of ruined holidays, make sure you don't bring any of this crap to your Thanksgiving dinner, for Pete's sake. This is supposed to be a time of joy and togetherness, not an opportunity to make everyone hate you for being a lazy asshole.

Phoenicia Specialty Foods broke ground this week, but luckily no one was hurt. We also consulted a Fridgeologist, who was able to divine that we were lonely, lazy, and undependable much of the time. Hmmm. Maybe next time we'll hire Katharine Shilcutt to do an actual, professional fridge-reading, rather than rely on the somewhat amateur opinions of our ex-girlfriend.

Finally, we're looking forward to Robb Walsh's Tex-Mex restaurant opening more than we've looked forward to anything since Return of the King came out. That's a lot, people.


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