Top 5 Foods I'd Like to See Paula Deen Eat

We've gathered them together for Paula's convenience.

Paula Deen's renowned high-fat recipes are enjoyed by millions, including Dean herself. But I care about the Queen of Consumption, and thus have generated a list of my top five foods I'd like to see her eat.

5. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
This one makes the list simply because I'd love to hear Paula say, "Hey ya'll....I can't believe it's not butta!" I'm guessing Paula has absolutely no clue this product even exists. By now her arteries are so butter-laden, they would probably reject this foreign substance.

4. Turkey Bacon
The look on her face would be priceless. Paula eating turkey bacon is about as likely as me watching Dancing with the Stars. In other words, it would be a forced act. Guess what? My little hypothetical list possesses such powers.

3. Rotisserie Chicken
It's hard to imagine Paula handling a non-fried piece of chicken. Tell your grandchildren about the day you saw Paula handle a bird that wasn't soaked in buttermilk, battered, dipped and deep-fried.

2. Any Fruit (without sauce)
I'm not sure I've ever seen Paula eat a sauce-less piece of fruit. Watching her dig into a fresh pear would be a real treat for yours truly. "Hey y'all, I'm eating a pear. Can someone pass the shugaa?"

1. Rice Cake
Seeing Paula down a rice cake is pretty boring. Spice up the action by fielding bets on how long it would take Paula to slather on the extra-chunky peanut butter. I'd set the over/under at ten seconds. I'll take the under.