The Shameless Chef: Make Your Own Damn Salsa

Categories: Shameless Chef

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What the holy hell, is that a fresh vegetable? Who am I and what have I done with the Shameless Chef?
I gotta be honest with you, the column almost didn't happen today. I think I came down with something, because I slept about 20 hours yesterday. No lie, I passed out around 5:30 p.m., woke up about a half hour past midnight, then passed out again around 4:30 a.m. and woke up again not long after 10 this morning. My energy is at an all-time low and I'm constantly drowsy. I've tried to talk to some doctors, but whenever the subject of my dietary habits comes up they just start sobbing uncontrollably and won't quit until I hang up. I mean, I assume they quit when I hang up. Huh. Jeez, for all I know, the town's still full of bitterly weeping health professionals.

Anyway, I was lounging around listlessly trying to conserve those vital calories, watching horrible, moronic television shows that are basically junk-food for my brain, when I finally got hungry. I hadn't eaten anything since lunchtime yesterday, so I started raiding my cupboards. Shit was pitifully bare, folks. All I really had were some miscellaneous cans and some chips. For the first time in almost two days, however, I was able to string a couple of thoughts together and remember I had most, if not all, of the ingredients for my Aunt Cathy's do-it-yourself salsa. I dug out the recipe and sleepily got to work.

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When unwrapping an onion, it's fun to pretend you're a very poor child and this is World's Shittiest Christmas.
You will need:

• 1 can of tomato sauce. Don't be like my stupid ass, who almost made this with a jar of spaghetti sauce. It ain't the same thing.
• 1 can of finely diced tomatoes. Yeah, you could dice 'em yourself, I guess. Reeks of effort, though.
• 1 can of green chili peppers.
• 1 can of jalapeno peppers.
• 1 white onion.
• Garlic.
• Salt, starring Angelina Jolie. Ha ha, just kidding, that movie looks terrible.

First, peel the onion. Then, chop it up.

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It's true what they say about onions making your eyes water, especially if you've just received a wedding invitation from your ex-girlfriend in the mail saying she's marrying that divorce lawyer she started seeing last year, but seriously I wish her well and I'm sure she'll be perfectly happy with that fucking douchebag.
Now you just start opening cans and mixing things together. Take a look at the first picture to get all of the relative sizes, since I adhere to a firm belief that providing net weights is for organized people and other pussies. You'll use the entire can of tomato sauce and diced tomatoes, and about half of that size can of green chili peppers. I also only wound up using about half of the chopped-up onion, about a tablespoon of jalapeno, a teaspoon of garlic, and a teaspoon of salt, but you're really supposed to add those last three ingredients until it tastes good to you, personally, so you might tweak those amounts a little.

And now, with a minimum of effort, a quick trip to the neighbors' for an onion, and no cooking whatsoever, I have myself some salsa. I can now resume watching godawful television and loafing. I do, in fact, have several episodes of Leverage to catch up on. That is, if I don't fall asleep again.

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...and the dreaded Salsa Shark will haunt my dreams.

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