This Week in Deliciousness

Oh, good, this will be perfect for feeding in the caterpillars in my backyard. Now where's the human food?

Welcome back to the weekly roundup here at Eating Our Words, the most adventurous food blog since Ernest Hemingway's Tasty Things I've Shot.Com went under. We started the week off with a safari to the colorful and mysterious land of Montrose, and went ahead and picked out the ten best restaurants in the area since we were there. On a completely unrelated note, we started the men's section of Houston's Hottest Chefs this week. (All ten are here.) Do ladies like breakfast in bed? Is that a real thing or a myth? The one time we tried it, we got grits and gravy everywhere. It was so fucking hot.

We caught dinner at the seriously-named Gravitas, then got loaded on the 5 most calorie-laden cocktails, although we notice the Gin 'n' Tonic Blizzard is conspicuously missing. Or maybe we dreamed that.

We had a hell of a lot of nostalgia this week, with the top 5 fast food commercials from the 80's, the top 5 booze commercials from the 80's, and the top 5 discontinued desserts. We also looked to the future, though, with news of the upcoming hot dog eating contest, soon to be won by a 105-pound Japanese man.

In case you didn't realize that most Texas legislation is complete bullshit, here you go! Ah, arbitrary rules with no logic or reason. Feels like home! In case that wasn't enough ridiculousness for you, you can try to convince yourself that there may be such a thing as a healthy milkshake that's actually not terrible. Go ahead, try it. Hypnotize yourself, maybe that'll work.

Of course, if you're looking to cool off without quite as many calories, there are many choice cold soups available around town. If you're one of those people who likes to eat plants, we listed the five healthiest for you, but you're welcome to them. We'd rather get nuts on some Salisbury steak or some nachos and beer. Hey, beer has barley and hops in it. We're not total carnivores, until they invent prime rib beer. We're sure Pete's Wicked Brew is getting on that right now.

Got a wedding coming up? Don't serve this crap or your friends will hate you and refuse to come to your (statistically likely) future weddings. At a wedding, your guests will expect to be pampered, but outside of the wedding, they'll enjoy participating in their meals. Seems unfair, but what are you gonna do? You're the one who decided to have an outdoor wedding in Houston in late June. You're lucky your guests don't choke you to death and string you up from the altar as a warning to others.

During the summertime, our appetites double as our stupid caveman bodies go into "let's get fat for when there's no food this winter" mode. With that in mind, you can swap out certain foods for healthier foods and hopefully delay your very first coronary for a couple years. Or you can just keep eating meat until you keel over. We know which option we're going with.