The 5 Greatest Discontinued Desserts
For people who have an unhealthy relationship with food, dessert is an extremely important part of the meal. It's the sweet reward for struggling through all the harsh, bitter flavors of entrees like chicken fried steak, pizza, prime rib, hamburgers, stuffed pork chops, and other disgusting stuff. Our brains no longer even send us the signal to stop eating until we've had that final sugary morsel to wrap it all up.
Over the years, giant corporations have been kind enough to whip up some truly amazing dessert foods, and then, just when we got hooked, discontinued them. No one knows why. Sure, you'll hear some "low sales" whisperings, but we suspect it's simply because they're spiteful bastards. Here are some of the best extinct desserts out there. If you've had them, prepare to get all wistful, nostalgic, and hungry. If you never had them... guess you'll just have to trust us.
5. Hostess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Pudding Pies
Okay, we know a lot of people are going to attribute this to us being overly nostalgic. After all, just about everything you loved as a kid seems better, simply because you were a child filled with innocent wonder and the world hadn't yet had a chance to beat down your spirit and murder your soul. And yes, they were a shade of neon green that could not possibly have been brought about by any sort of dye that was meant to be consumed. BUT: they had what no other Hostess pie had at the time, and that is pudding. Pudding is awesome, and when stuffed inside an iced pastry shell...just phenomenal. Come on, you pricks, you're turning your noses up, but if they made one at Crave you'd call in the fucking Pope and have it crowned King of Desserts. We're not saying Hostess needs to bring the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles back; by now, they've all retired from freelance ninja-ing, settled down, and started raising hideously deformed turtle-human hybrid babies that make God hate himself. We're just saying they need to bring back some kind of pudding pie. It's time. We're ready for it.
4. Jell-O Pudding Pops
While we're on the subject, why on earth did Jell-O stop making the pudding pops? Those damn things were delicious, and perfect for summertime. Did the advocation of the mighty Bill Cosby not get through to you people? It's one thing to just eat some pudding with a spoon. But letting it slowly melt in your mouth while you watch cartoons? Shit, we knew this was going to happen; we're starting to get genuinely sad. And we're only on the second entry.
Wait, never mind, we're going to order one of these:
No customer reviews? Slashed price? No one's buying this thing? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
(Note: we've been made aware that Good Humor bought the Jell-O Pudding Pops name and now sells them under its Popsicle brand, but according to their website, they're not sold at any stores within a hundred miles of Houston. Son of a BITCH!)