The Shameless Chef: Hawaiian Sliders

Categories: Shameless Chef

Hooray, the Meat Tube is back! Hooray!

All right, so last week we tried out a recipe I glommed off the back of a can. It was pretty good, but this week, I'd like to return to my standard practice of thinking up some goofy idea and running with it. As it happens, we're cooking something I have cooked before and enjoyed greatly, something I improvised while in my dorm room and in possession of no food except some hamburger and some Hawaiian sweet rolls. Necessity is the mother of invention, and for once, my own personal invention-mother gave birth to something that most people wouldn't immediately attempt to drown in Holy Water. What can I say, I was young.

You will need:
• 1 pound hamburger, not too lean. Fat tastes good.
• At least a dozen Hawaiian sweet rolls.
• Your own style of "Hawaiian" sauce.

Optional: condiments, veggies, cheese. I splurged and bought some Muenster ($3 on sale!), but you use whatever you like. Since this is a Hawaiian dish, I bet some of you are going to try and stick a slice of pineapple on it. That's fine, if you're the kind of person who enjoys shaming your ancestors. Seriously, get that shit away from this perfectly good beef.

A note about the sauce. There are all kinds of recipes for Hawaiian sauces on these here internets; some look better than others, and some are way complicated. You are, of course, free to use any of them, but I have an easy one that worked pretty well. It is as follows: combine 1 1/2 parts sweet and sour sauce for every 2 parts teriyaki sauce, then add some pineapple juice to taste. As it happens, the teriyaki sauce I used already had pineapple sauce mixed in, sparing me an extra step.

Lookee there. It's like they saw me comin'.

I made a batch consisting of 4 tablespoons teriyaki sauce with 3 tablespoons sweet and sour sauce. I then poured it over the raw meat and began massaging it in with my bare-assed hands.

Slowly. Sensually.

Once the meat was moist and satisfied, I used the same tablespoon I had used to mix together the sauce to scoop out the sliders. You'll want a heapin' spoonful, not to be confused with a Lovin' Spoonful.

This is about the right size, but of course you're free to use a girthier chunk of meat, if that's what you're into.

By now you should have several slider patties on the grill as well as at least one chicken breast, because in any group of people, there's always one who wants chicken instead of beef. It's best not to argue with them, as they are only depriving themselves. Anyone requesting tofu or mushrooms instead of meat should of course be loaded into a cannon and launched to San Francisco. It's cool, they've got a big net over the city for incoming herbivores.

Hibachi grill used for dorm-room authenticity. Be sure to disable your smoke alarm first, kids!

I brushed more sauce on from time to time as the meat cooked, because anyone who has eaten good barbecue knows there's no such thing as too much sauce. Once everything is cooked to your liking, cut the rolls in half and slip your meat on in. Some would like the rolls toasted and/or buttered, which is fine, but they're good straight out of the bag, too. Nice and squishy.

There you have it. As with most things, you may garnish with curly fries.

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