Shameless Chef: Dirt Pudding

This should provide you with a lifetime's supply of vegetable shortening.

Don't touch that. Leave it the hell alone. Hi, this is the Shameless Chef, and you'll have to pardon my irregular typing and somewhat cranky demeanor. I'm hung over as hell this morning, and my sister thought it would be a good idea to drop her kid Randy off with me at 8 this morning, because apparently when you've got a heated pool in your house, other people get to dictate how you live your life. So I, in turn, am dictating today's column because if I have to sit in front of a computer screen for more than ten minutes today, I'm pretty sure I'm going to start bleeding out of my eyes.

Randy: Uncle John, I'm hungry.

Shut up, we're working on it. Ugh, God. Okay, uh, you're gonna need:

• 1 package of Oreo cookies. You could do the golden ones if you want, that could be "Sand Pudding"... probably be pretty good.
• 1/2 stick of margarine, helps if it's softened.
• 1 8-ounce pack of cream cheese.
• 1 cup powdered sugar. As far as I can tell, it needs to be powdered to make sure it gets everywhere.
• 3 1/2 cups milk.
• 2 packs instant french vanilla pudding.
• 1 16-ounce container Cool Whip. I used the Extra Creamy variety, because why wouldn't I?
• 2 Midol. I don't know why, but those work better than anything else on a hangover.

There's also a bunch of crap in the recipe about using a new clay pot to put it in and sticking some kind of artificial flower in it to make it look more like dirt, but uh... no.

Randy: Aww, let's do it, it sounds cool!

No it doesn't, shut UP.

Powdered sugar doing what it does best: getting all over the goddamn place.

First, get a large bowl and mix together the margarine, cream cheese, and powdered sugar. Why do we have to do these ingredients separate from the others? I don't fucking know.

Randy: Ummm, you said a bad word!

There's no such thing as a bad word, Randy, only bad children. Anyway, mix it until it's not lumpy and set it aside. Now you'll want to break out the biggest-ass bowl you've got and mix together the milk, pudding mix, and Cool Whip. Ow, Good Lord, this is hard. Damn. I gotta be honest, an egg beater would really help right now.

Randy: What's an egg beater?

Something housewives and little girls use because their dainty little wrists can't mix properly. Ungh... okay. I guess that looks about right.

It's all cream, milk, and pudding, so how bad could it look?

Now comes the fun part.

Randy: Oh boy! Can I do it?

Absolutely not. What you'll want to do is put all the Oreos in a plastic bag. Pretend you're about to have sex with my sister and double-bag or even triple-bag it.

Randy: What's that mean?

How many different Daddies did you have last year, Randy?

Randy: Uhhh... I guess about 30?

That's what that means. Okay, once you've got the Oreos bagged up, you can roll over them with a rolling pin to get them looking like dirt.

Or you can pulverize them in a much more satisfying fashion.

The recipe says you're supposed to "layer" everything, starting and ending with cookies. If you think anyone you're serving it to will care, go nuts, but personally I prefer it all mixed together. I did the final mixing in my big-ass bowl and voila. Dirt pudding.

Oh God I am so tired.

Randy: That looks really good, Uncle John! Can I have some?

Sure, kid. Have all you want. I'm gonna go lie down.

Randy: Awesome! Is this okay for me to eat? Mom told you I have diabetes, right?

Oh Jesus Christ. Randy, have you ever had tequila?

Randy: No, I'm ten years old.

Okay, tonight Uncle John's gonna introduce you to tequila. You really need to know how this feels.