The Shameless Chef: Wiener Soup

Categories: Shameless Chef
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In some places they call 'em "franks." "Wieners" is way funnier.
This week's entry is pretty easy. In fact, it's so easy that, quite against character, I'm going to ask you to use a spice that's... well, it's pretty rare. But it'll be worth the trouble (more on that later).

You will need:

  • 1 can of chili
  • 1 pack of 4 hot dogs (WIENERS!!!)
  • 1 can of condensed tomato soup
  • 1 small can (7-ounce) of green chiles
  • 1 can of corn
  • 1 TB Dancing Spice of the Whispering Hidalgo

Nevermind that last bit for now.


First, cut up four wieners.

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...like a boss.

Next, open all the cans and drain the corn and chiles. Dump 'em into your trusty big-ass pot on the stove. Now dump in the condensed soup, remembering to use an equal amount of water. So basically, dump the soup in, fill the empty can up with water, then dump that in. Dump in the chili and wiener slices, too. Order doesn't matter at all, really.

Let it cook on medium-to-high heat until it comes to a simmer (not a boil, just a slow simmer... a few little bubbles here and there), then cover it and let it simmer for about 15 minutes.

Okay. Now comes the hard part. You've hung in there with me for seven weeks now, so I think you're ready for this. Buy a plane ticket to Barcelona, Spain.

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Take this off the stove first.
Once you're in Barcelona and have secured lodgings, make your way to the Sagrada Família, a massive Roman Catholic church that was designed by famed Catalan architect Antoni Gaudí and has been under construction for more than a hundred years.
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Projected completion date: 2026. Seriously.
Once there, search along the sculpted text which covers the outer walls until you find the Puzzle Box of the Silent Vespers. You will need to solve the puzzle box; I can't help you with that. I, and many others, nearly went mad attempting to unravel its mysteries.
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And it's even harder than it looks.

Once you've solved it, a hidden compartment in the wall will open up, and you will proceed down an impossibly long, winding staircase, at the bottom of which will be a chamber containing a blind monk who looks no older than 70 even though he is older than the Earth itself. Once you best him at three Contests of Virtue (Wisdom, Strength, and Will), the monk will give you exactly one tablespoon of the Dancing Spice of the Whispering Hidalgo. DO NOT LOSE IT.

Once you're back home, add the spice to the soup, allow to cool, and enjoy. Oh, you should know: The Dancing Spice of the Whispering Hidalgo is so named because of the way it skips and pops across any broth to which it is added, so be careful not to burn yourself. Also: It screams. No one knows why it does this, but as soon as it hits the mixture, it lets out an ear-piercing, human-like shriek. So.. there's that.

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Although honestly, I've had Wiener Soup both with and without the Dancing Spice of the Whispering Hidalgo, and I really can't tell the difference.

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