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Rodney’s Oyster House in Toronto put Galveston Bay oysters on sale last weekend at a whopping $3.85 Canadian EACH! Texans think ten bucks a dozen is outrageous – how about $46.20 for twelve?

Oysterman Rodney Clark is originally from Prince Edward Island, home of Malpeque Bay and some of Canada’s best oysters. But Malpeque Bay and many other Canadian oyster locales are frozen over at this time of year, and other cold Northern waters are yielding skinny oysters due to the lack of plankton.

Meanwhile, it’s peak oyster season in Texas, so Clark and Houston seafood dealer Jim Gossen of Louisiana Foods decided to try an experiment. Gossen put 300 extra large select oysters harvested from East Galveston Bay by Jeri’s Seafood Company on a Continental flight to Toronto.

This is the inaugural entry for Sausage Fest, an Eating…Our Words analysis of all things tubular.

Nothing says “I love you” like sausage.

Written in red block letters on a sign between the two service counters at Southside Market & Barbecue, this dandy of a slogan is slapped atop a black and white image of a smiling old man holding a pan of Elgin Hot Sausage right about waist level. His wife smiles right behind him, helping along the visual pun for the juvenile-minded.

By official state legislative decree, Elgin is the Sausage Capital of Texas, and Southside Market & Barbecue is the town’s original link house. Here you’ll find the original Elgin Hot Sausage, an all beef, peppered tube of legend.

Southside has changed family ownership a few times since 1886, back when a butcher named William J. Moon first set up shop on Central Street in this Hill Country burg, but the hot links reputedly have remained the same. The Bracewell family bought the business in 1968 and moved the operation in 1992 to its current location, a formerly abandoned bank building on HWY 290. The sprawling compound now produces and sells somewhere around two million pounds of sausage a year.

The trendy little hamburgers called “sliders” are the subject of this week’s review in Café. While I was researching the story, I had trouble pinning down the exact etymology of the word “slider.”

Since then I have learned that “sliders” most likely comes from the galley slang of the U.S. Navy, where breakfast sausage links are “monkey dicks,” ring baloney is “horse cock,” and regular baloney is “tube steak.” In the lingo of sea-going slop, hot dogs are “rollers” and hamburgers are “sliders” (because they slide in their grease). A cheeseburger is a “slider with a lid.”

Where: Barnaby’s Cafe, 414 West Gray, 713-522-8898

What $13 gets you: Okay food at an okay price

Barnaby’s Cafe, named for the owner’s deceased sheepdog, includes three locations in a relatively small area – Hyde Park, River Oaks and Midtown. At lunchtime, all get busy as hell and loud as shit. Or is it busy as shit and loud as hell? Anyhow, they’re all busy and loud.

I hit up the one on Gray, which is showing some wear as evidenced by the huge tears in the black booths. Rather than wait for a table, I grabbed one of the six stools at the tiny bar in the corner where menus double as place mats.

It’s quite a menu, and $13 will take you far. Cold sandwiches such as egg salad or turkey breast go for $8, specialty burgers with fries are all $8.50, huge bowls of salads run from $7.50 to $9.50, and even entrees such as meatloaf, barbecue chicken breast and lasagna are reasonably priced at $10.

Where: Baby Barnaby’s Cafe, 602 Fairview, 713-522-4229

What $13 gets you: Breakfast with the cool kids

I lived in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, just as it was turning from industrial pit to arts mecca. Baby Barnaby’s Cafe is the one place in Houston that reminds me of the old Williamsburg.

Set in a small, dumpy, out-of-the-way building where the streets are narrow and parking is damn-near impossible, the breakfast-only version of the popular Barnaby’s chain is the best by far. And it’s no secret, either, so expect interminably long lines on weekends. It doesn’t help that the place fits just 35 people, but that’s part of the charm.

A friend of mine brought me back some huge oysters from Camanada Pass off of Grand Isle, Louisiana, last weekend. These five-and-a-half-inch monsters made quite a mouthful, but they were some of the sweetest oysters I ever put in my mouth. Of course, the winter oyster season is just about at its absolute peak right now – the oysters are so fat they are bulging out of their shells.

Seafood experts like Jon Rowley in Seattle, the guy who put Copper River salmon on the map, contend that when it comes to oysters, bigger is generally better. Rowley says that C. virginicas (the species we grow in the Gulf) taste best fully mature and at least three-and-a-quarter inches in size.

When you order the 75-cent Afghani-style nan bread at Kings Chicken on Beechnut near Wilcrest, they bake it for you fresh, Jay Francis enthused.

We ordered some and then hung around the front counter and watched the cooks in the kitchen throwing the big piece of dough in the air like a good pizza crust. Then they slid the dough into the hot steel oven. A few minutes later, they brought the giant flatbread to our table – it was too hot to touch.

“This is the second best bread in Houston,” Francis said as we tore into the crispy-crusted, puffy loaf. (The best, he claimed, is the Afghani nan at Himalaya restaurant on Hillcroft.) The nan resembled a folded over pizza without any toppings. We used pieces of it to mop up some spicy chicken korma.

Last week we gave you five ideas for tomorrow, a.k.a. the ulimate date night. Here's one last option, though; it was so obscene, it couldn't be ignored.

Got a spare $14,000 lying around? Then the Hilton Americas (1600 Lamar) has a Valentine's deal for you. This package includes limo service to the hotel, a deluxe suite, champagne upon arrival, a three-course meal finished with chocolates and cordials, breakfast the next morning, three dozen roses, his and hers Baume & Mercier watches, a hot air balloon ride and a two-hour spa package. Sign us up...after we win the lottery. -- Paul Galvani

IHOP is serving up free short stacks until 10 p.m. today in honor of National Pancake Day.

According to the folks at IHOP (and why would they lie?), “National Pancake Day dates back several centuries to when the English prepped for fasting during Lent. Strict rules prohibited the eating of all dairy products during Lent, so pancakes were made to use up the supply of eggs, milk, butter and other dairy products…hence the name Pancake Tuesday, or Shrove Tuesday.”

Of course, Fat Tuesday was last week, but apparently IHOP didn’t want you to get distracted from Super Tuesday, so the festivities were postponed till today. Here’s hoping you didn’t give up dairy for Lent. – Keith Plocek

Dinner and a movie at home can be very romantic – especially with the right food and the right flick. Here’s a list of the Top Ten Food & Sex Scenes in the Movies to consider while planning your “quiet” evening at home.

1. 9 1/2 Weeks (1986)

The scene with Kim Bassinger in front of the refrigerator will have you naked and feeding each other fresh fruit in no time.

Food to have on hand: strawberries

2.Tampopo (1985)

The scene where they pass the egg yolk back and forth from mouth to mouth is pretty hot, but so is the sake in the woman’s belly button.

Food to have on hand: ramen, raw eggs and sake

It’s the mother of all date nights…and it is right around the corner. Get those Valentine’s reservations, guys and gals.

We like this idea: a dinner-and-a-movie date, all rolled into one, at Alamo Drafthouse (Mason Park). For $36 per person (not bad), lovebirds can enjoy a four-course meal and a screening of that 1953 classic romantic comedy, Roman Holiday, starring Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck. Wine pairings are available for each course. Backsteet Café (1103 S. Shepherd) is serving a divine four-course feast, with live jazz by Bob Chadwick ($69 per person). Prego (2520 Amherst) is offering up a special three-course menu and live jazz guitar for $60 per person. And Pico’s Mex-Mex Restaurant (5149 Bellaire) is hosting a tapas, seafood paella and Spanish wine dinner; at $35 per person, this one sounds like a delicious deal. Reservations are recommended…just about everywhere.

Where: Pesquera’s Ocean Grill & Oyster Bar, 34616 Highway 249 in Pinehurst, 281-259-5000

What $13 gets you: A surprisingly sophisticated meal aboard an absurdly tacky fake boat

Let me start by saying I love restaurants on fake boats. There are loads of them in the Houston area, and all the ones I’ve tried are cheap and funky with super-fresh, simply prepared seafood.

On a recent Saturday, I took an assignment that led me up Texas State Highway 249 into rural Montgomery County. I left my home early in gritty Fondren Southwest figuring I’d grab a quick bite on the way but couldn’t will myself into a Schlotsky’s and got dangerously close to that point of no return in which I’ve wandered too far along some desolate farm road and end up settling for a gas-station lunch of bottled water and corn nuts.

Then, like a mirage, I came upon Pesquera’s Ocean Grill & Oyster Bar – a giant, tacky fake boat complete with a fake lighthouse and two real but sickly looking palm trees set along the highway in a large gravelly, muddy, pothole-filled parking lot. Perfect, I thought.

Dear Sophie,

Your dream of celebrating the Super Bowl with a submarine sandwich that’s longer than your coffee table resonated deeply with me. Allow me to introduce you to Ponzo’s on Bagby, where the six-foot original Italian will certainly do the trick. Even the three-foot version is big enough to span most coffee tables.

You’ll have to get your Super Bowl Sunday order in by Friday afternoon, however, because Ponzo's has to order the bread in advance.