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The Astros vaunted offense collected ten hits last night. Unfortunately, they only converted those ten hits into three runs. Even worse, Brandon Backe once again fell apart in the sixth inning, and with Oscar Villarreal once again failing in his attempt at being a pitcher, the Astros found themselves losing for the first time in six games by a score of 8-3.

Lance Berkman continued on his roll, going two for three. But though he was able to get on base, he was not able to do any damage by way of scoring or knocking in runs. And Brandon Backe tied his career high with nine strikeouts, but he also surrendered six hits and four runs in his six innings of work, continuing with what has always been a problem, going deep into the game.

The Astros won last night, 4-3, on a lucky Carlos Lee single in the ninth with Kaz Matsui on third base that Washington centerfielder Lastings Milledge gave up on. I’m not going to make many fans here, but damn, if there’s any team that deserved to win this game last night, it wasn’t the Astros.

I don’t know how the Astros are winning these things. They’re being outplayed, outhustled, out-hit, and out-pitched. Well, most of the Astros are. Lance Berkman tied the Astros team record last night when he got his eighth straight hit in the fourth inning. A hit which just happened to be a home run. A monster of a home run that landed on the choo-choo tracks.

Nothing ruins a sporting event more than some hack who won’t give the score, or keeps screaming, or gets facts wrong. Here are Houston’s five worst offenders.

5. Clyde Drexler was one of the greatest basketball players the city of Houston has ever produced. As a broadcaster, well, let’s just say that as a broadcaster he was a better coach. Sure, he’s an improvement over Calvin Murphy, but that’s just because he doesn’t waste time talking about cookies.

4. Mark Vandermeer has a great voice. Unfortunately, when he’s broadcasting a game, you get the feeling that he’s more concerned with trying to fit in one of his catchphrases than he is with actually describing the play. You also get the feeling he’d be happier hearing his voice on a SportsCenter highlight than with the Texans winning a game.

Yeah, yeah, the Astros won 6-5 last night, but damn, did any of you actually watch that game? It was awful. Home plate umpire Brian Runge called one of the worst games that I’ve seen in years. He was bad for both teams, though that balk on the Nationals in the seventh inning was a rather unbelievably bad call in my opinion. The Nats outfielders made Carlos Lee look competent in the field, and when Lee looks competent, you know the outfielders are bad.

Do I have any other thoughts? Yeah, Shawn Chacon sucks, and the fact that the team is still depending on him to be a solid pitcher does not bode well for the rest of the season. But I am very much liking that Fat Elvis is becoming the Big Puma – last night was the first five-hit night of Lance Berkman’s career. I’m thankful every night for Michael Bourn and Hunter Pence in the outfield, especially, once again, after watching the Nats trying to play out there.

But despite the Astros coming from behind, again, to win this game, I am still in agreement with the Chron’s Brian McTaggart when it comes to this team. They’re not that good. When the offense is clicking, like it has been the past week, it can beat just about anybody – except for good pitching; I firmly believe good pitching will always defeat good hitting. But when the team slumps, there is just not enough good pitching on the roster to pick up the team.

The best thing that could happen to Brian McNamee in the Clemens defamation suit happened yesterday. U.S. District Judge Keith Ellison ruled that Rusty Hardin could remain as the Rocket’s attorney in the case, despite the fact that one of the main witnesses, Andy Pettitte, was also represented by Rusty Hardin for a short period of time.

Oh, don’t be fooled. There is a conflict of interest regarding Andy Pettitte, but the judge ruled, correctly, that Brian McNamee was not the correct party to request Hardin’s removal from the case.

Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to watch is disturbing, and it might not be appropriate for young children, people with weak stomachs or heart conditions, or any person of average intelligence.

I give you Jose de Jesus Ortiz on ESPN yesterday, making the entire city of Houston look like country bumpkins.

Richard Connelly has noted how the Daily News called out the Chron as Rocket's house organ. But SI.com is on the Chron's case as well, and the writer, Jon Heyman, made note of some misleading writing in the Chron’s Rocket apology story: "The Chronicle apparently was trying to bolster Clemens by saying the report came in a 'tabloid' rather than crediting the Daily News, and leaving the reader to wonder whether it could be The National Enquirer."

But to me, what's more interesting is the civil war that appears to be erupting within the Chron sports department. It's not often the Chron writers attack each other in public, but this morning, Richard Justice called out the media toadies who are asking us to lay off Clemens by stating that Rocket brought this all on himself, and noted that these toadies are trying to "not let the facts get in the way of continuing to suck up to the Rocket and Rusty."

The New York Daily News has its version of the Roger Clemens apology. (Although come on – is it an apology if you don’t say what you’re apologizing for?)

We noticed this little dig, after a quote from Rocket’s pronouncement: “…Clemens said in a statement handed to the Houston Chronicle, a favorite outlet for Clemens and his lawyer Rusty Hardin.”

The Chron’s Jose de Jesus Ortiz Ortiz tells us he prayed for Roger Clemens at Mass yesterday. He also tells us we need to leave Rocket alone because no matter what Rocket has done, picking on Rocket harms the Rocket family.

Gee, Ortiz, are you referring to Mrs. Rocket, who Roger threw under the bus by admitting she used HGH? Do you mean that same Mrs. Rocket who had to sit behind Rocket while he was testifying before Congress, the same Mrs. Rocket who had to sit there as her husband exposed her secrets to millions of people?

I want to know where Ortiz’s cares and concerns were in December and January and February and March and April and May as Team Rocket went on the attack against Brian McNamee. I don’t recall Ortiz telling us to lay off McNamee because of the effect on McNamee’s family when Rusty Hardin played a tape of a phone conversation between Rocket and McNamee, a phone call where a desperate McNamee pleaded for Rocket to please call his son, an ill son who still worshipped Rocket. And where was Ortiz and his call for sympathy when Rocket and Hardin were out there calling McNamee a rapist? Or when people close to Team Rocket were calling McNamee a drug pusher?

There was a time, not too many years ago, when Milwaukee Brewers closer Eric Gagne saved 84 games before blowing one. But he was with the Dodgers then. He was doing HGH. And he was yet to get injured.

The Eric Gagne of the Brewers is nowhere near the Gagne of the Dodgers. He’s more of a Brad Lidge from the Astros-era than he is a Brad Lidge from the Phillies-era (Lidge is 1-0 with 7 saves and a 0.00 ERA so far this season). And Sunday afternoon, with the Astros trailing 6-4 coming into the bottom of the ninth, and Gagne on the mound, there was just this feeling that the Astros could still win this game and sweep the series with the Brewers.

The Astros did tie the game, the sixth run coming on a bases loaded walk to Berkman. Which in itself was appropriate being that if it were not for Lance Berkman’s bat, the Astros would not have been in the situation to tie the game. Berkman, with a homer and two doubles, had accounted for three of the four runs going into the ninth, and his walk accounted for the sixth.

You may not know this from reading my writings, but I like sports. I watch lots of sports. I listen to lots of sports. And I have lots of opinions based on what I listen to, and what I watch. If the play-by-play guy and/or the color analyst is really good, I can sit through a bad game and actually enjoy myself. But if the analyst or play-by-play guy stink, a really good game can be ruined.

Now Houston has been home to major league professional sports franchises since 1960. So while the city might not have the sports broadcasting history as places like New York or Chicago, it does have some. For instance, one of the current voices of those great NFL Films highlight packages, Harry Kalas, started by doing play-by-play for the Houston Astros. Jim Nantz of CBS Sports got his start in Houston.

I thought I would take a few minutes to give you what I consider to be the five best sports broadcasters in the history of Houston sports.

Has your child been acting kind of funny lately? Does he have mood swings? Unexpected weight gain? Can he suddenly throw a 98 MPH fastball even though he's only 10?

If so, did you perchance buy him an Icee back in the summer of 2005? And if so, did you perchance buy him a novelty flavor known as the Rocket Fuel Energy Drink? A drink served in a special collector's edition cup featuring one Roger "Rocket" Clemens?

Click on this link. Then click on Icee Info. Then read all about the Rocket Fuel Energy Drink. Then I suggest you get your child to the doctor as soon as possible.

This has been a public service announcement. -- John Royal

The good news is that the vaunted offense of the Houston Astros got to Randy Johnson yesterday, getting nine hits and six runs in Johnson’s four innings of pitching (the six runs came in the first two innings). The bad news is that Astros pitching staff performed as has become expected, giving up eight runs to the Arizona Diamondbacks as the D-backs would go on to win the game 8-7.

Cecil Cooper is mad at his team, especially his pitchers, and especially reliever Dave Borkowski, who gave up a two-run, pinch-hit home run to pitcher Micah Owings in the sixth inning. “If we can't get the stinking pitcher out, we're in trouble," Cooper told the Chron. “My goodness. Two-run lead, and we can't even get out of the stinking inning. That's unacceptable, and it won't happen again. I promise you that.”

We here at Houstoned Ballz do have some connections. For instance, some reader out in Hollywood sent me this transcript. It’s of a meeting between a young screenwriter and a powerful studio head. The kid’s agent, Ari Gold, set up the meeting, but Ari can’t make it because he’s got to handle some business for Vincent Chase. So the kid has to handle the movie pitch on his own.

Let’s listen in:

“It’s a biopic,” the kid (who I’ll call John) says.

“Oh, good,” the studio head (who I’ll call Max) says. “People love movies about musicians.”

“No,” John says. “It’s about sports. It’s a sports biopic.”

“I don’t know. Those sports flicks don’t do so great overseas. Unless it’s about soccer. Those foreigners are crazy about soccer.”

“No, sir. It’s not about soccer. It’s about a baseball pitcher. The greatest pitcher who ever lived.”

“Greg Maddux? Why would anyone want to see a movie about Greg Maddux? That guy is boring. He can’t even throw a decent fastball.”

“No, sir. It’s about Roger Clemens.”

“The steroids guy? Why would anyone want to see a movie about a cheater?”

PREGAME: Here are some of the basics that must be known before tonight’s game with the D-backs gets started. The D-backs possess the best record in major league baseball. The Astros, well, they’re not the worst. The D-backs have scored a MLB high 153 runs, for an average of 5.9 runs per game. The Astros are 13th ranked with 118, for an average of 4.4 runs per game. The D-backs lead MLB with a staff ERA of 3.03. The Astros are 27th in MLB with a staff ERA of 4.43. And the Astros last win in Phoenix was August 5, 2006.

The Astros have benched Hunter Pence in favor of Jose Cruz, Jr. I know Hunter is slumping again, but Cruz is only batting .087, which ranks him at number 489 in MLB. The only player with a worse average than Cruz, who has more at bats than Cruz, is Brad Ausmus.