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It is getting to a point with Lance Berkman where his performance with the bat goes beyond words. I think I’ve hit that point. Yesterday, Berkman was two for four. The first hit was a fourth inning single down the right field line that plated Kaz Matsui and Hunter Pence to make the score 6-2 Giants. The second hit was a ninth inning home run into McCovey Cove that put the Astros up 8-7 and proved to be the game winner.

Berkman had some help yesterday. Matsui was three for four. Pence was one for four. Carlos Lee went three for five, including a homer in the eighth to make the score 7-4 that started the comeback. And Mark Loretta, despite having an awful defensive day, was three for five as a batter. But the hero, if not Berkman, has to have been Darin Erstad, who hit not only his first career National League home run, but also his first career pinch hit homer in the seventh inning, with two men on, to tie the game at 7-7.

I dedicate this song to my friend Frank, who gave me the idea. And I do so with all apologies to Paul McCartney and the rest of the band.

"Rocket Raccoon" (sung to the tune of "Rocky Raccoon")

Now somewhere in the bright shining rays of Florida
There visited the pitcher Rocket Clemens
And one night this woman ran around into his bar
Hit our Rocket in the balls
Rocket really liked that
He said I’m gonna win this young lady
So one night he walked into town
Found himself a table in that local saloon.

It has been learned that Hall of Fame QB Joe Montana is suing the first ex-Mrs. Joe Montana regarding personal items of his which were sold at an auction. Among those things sold were his freshman college ID and some rather sappy love letters he wrote to the first ex-Mrs. Joe Montana.

Now, Houstoned Ballz has received from our secret sources (i.e. I made it up) a list of Roger Clemens’s personal items which have been put up for auction by one Mindy McCready:

Okay. I’ve had it with Lance Berkman. That bum only went one for four last night. Of course, that one was a monster two-run home run in the top of the first inning that put the Astros up 3-0. But the rest of the game… Nothing. What? Does he think that he can just slack off because of what he’s done the past several weeks?

I don’t think so.

Luckily, Brad Ausmus bailed Berkman out when he powered his first home run of the season to the left field seats, sending home Hunter Pence to put the Astros up 6-3. And speaking of Brad Ausmus, all of you people talking smack about Brad, you should know that he’s raised his average to .240 – I think getting that 1,500th career hit has really lit a fire under Ausmus.

Confession time: I love the San Antonio Spurs. I know that sort of statement borders on blasphemy in these parts, but there’s no use denying it any longer. I love the Spurs. There, I said it again. It feels good to get it off my chest.

Just to clarify: My affinity for San Antonio’s silver and black hoops squad is not to be confused with the type of love one feels toward a favorite team. I’m afraid a decade of sports journalism has devoured that part of my heart which was once capable of experiencing the utter despair and blissful euphoria associated with fandom. Instead, I find watching the Tim Duncan-era Spurs to be more like going to the Guggenheim; there’s just so much on display to savor, enjoy and appreciate.

Being a longtime observer of Houston sports means that I’ve seen an awful lot of uniforms. Some good. Many bad. Here are what I consider to be the five best uniforms in Houston sports history.

5. Houston Astros, Road Uniforms, 1971-1974.

This one kind of gets lost when remembering Astros history. I guess you can call it the transitional uniform since this is where orange first becomes the team’s predominant color. When the team has throwbacks, they’ll sometimes trot out the Colt .45’s unis, or the original Astros unis, and they always, always, trot out the rainbows.

I like the simplicity of this uniform. There’s the orange hat with blue star. There’s the light gray uniform color with Houston printed in orange letters across the chest. The Astros logo is on the left shoulder.

Damn that Lance Berkman. The bastard only went one for three last night, and the Astros lost to the Giants 4-2 as a result. Okay, it’s not Berkman’s fault. San Fran’s Matt Cain shut the Astros down. But unlike Barry Zito on Monday night, Cain did not wilt under the pressure, instead continuing to throw 94-96 MPH fastballs through the eighth inning.

As has been the case for the Astros lately, they fell behind early, with the shoddy defense helping the Giants get a 3-0 lead after one inning. But this night, the Astros just couldn’t get the vaunted offensive machine going in the late innings.

Brandon Backe gave up a homer to Giants pitcher Matt Cain in the fifth inning, but unlike in his past appearances, Backe was still going strong late; his defense just killed him.

Drayton McLane has always struck me as one of those sanctimonious patriotic types. One of those who demands everyone stand at attention for the anthem, or recite the Pledge out loud. One of those types who demands patriotism from everyone else, but that feels he doesn’t have to actually practice acts of patriotism himself.

I give you the story of one Stubby Clapp. Clapp, the hitting coach for the single-A Lexington Legends of the Houston Astros farm system, is also a 35-year-old infielder for Canada’s national baseball team, the same team that will be representing Canada at the Olympics in August. Well, he was, but Drayton McLane has denied him permission to leave his duties with Lexington so that he can play for his team.

Barry Zito was cruising for the San Francisco Giants last night. Going into the sixth inning, Zito was easily pitching his best game of this season, and he was arguably pitching his best game since signing with the Giants before the 2007 season. The Giants were up 3-0, and it was looking like the Astros' three-game winning streak was coming to an end.

Then Hunter Pence led off the inning with a single to left field. Mark Loretta followed up with another single to left that advanced Pence to third, then Pence scored on a Miguel Tejada sac fly. The Giants were still up 3-1, and there was one out, but Giants pitching coach Dave Righetti trotted out to the mound to have a little chat with Zito. To see how he was holding up. Zito indicated that he was okay, and Righetti retreated to the dugout.

Just a little update on the current happenings in Rocket World.

Despite Mindy McCready not disputing any aspect of the original New York Daily News story about her affair with Rocket, a woman, Jennifer Ryan Sirbaugh, claiming to be McCready’s roommate at the time states that Mindy was 17, not 15, and that they worked at a place called Melons. Sirbaugh was there the night McCready met Rocket, and she says it was at a place called The Bridge, not The Hired Hand Saloon, and that Rocket was 30, not 28.

On Sunday, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Hiroki Kuroda figured out the way to do what the pitchers for the Washington Nationals and the Dodgers couldn’t: shut down Lance Berkman. His solution was simple: for 6.2 innings, he no-hit the entire Houston Astros squad.

But by the time the eighth inning was over, the Astros, who were trailing 2-0 to start the seventh, were up 7-3. Berkman, who was shut down (for Berkman), contributed only one hit for the day. But Hunter Pence broke up the no-hitter in the seventh, then scored the first run of the day for the Astros, then further contributed another single, a double, two runs, and two RBI. And while Kaz Matsui, Carlos Lee, and Ty Wigginton would once again disappear from the offense, Brad Ausmus pinch-hit in the eighth inning and delivered a two-run single.

The Astros, who are now 21-17 on the season, continued as one of the hottest teams in baseball, sweeping the Dodgers, in Los Angeles, and winning their 15th game out of the last 20 to pull within a game-and-a-half of the Chicago Cubs and St. Louis Cardinals, who are tied for first place.

The Astros vaunted offense collected ten hits last night. Unfortunately, they only converted those ten hits into three runs. Even worse, Brandon Backe once again fell apart in the sixth inning, and with Oscar Villarreal once again failing in his attempt at being a pitcher, the Astros found themselves losing for the first time in six games by a score of 8-3.

Lance Berkman continued on his roll, going two for three. But though he was able to get on base, he was not able to do any damage by way of scoring or knocking in runs. And Brandon Backe tied his career high with nine strikeouts, but he also surrendered six hits and four runs in his six innings of work, continuing with what has always been a problem, going deep into the game.

The Astros won last night, 4-3, on a lucky Carlos Lee single in the ninth with Kaz Matsui on third base that Washington centerfielder Lastings Milledge gave up on. I’m not going to make many fans here, but damn, if there’s any team that deserved to win this game last night, it wasn’t the Astros.

I don’t know how the Astros are winning these things. They’re being outplayed, outhustled, out-hit, and out-pitched. Well, most of the Astros are. Lance Berkman tied the Astros team record last night when he got his eighth straight hit in the fourth inning. A hit which just happened to be a home run. A monster of a home run that landed on the choo-choo tracks.

You knew we couldn’t let the Rockets’ season come to a close without hearing from Daryl Morey one more time. So what is the Rockets GM up to now that the team has been eliminated? Is Tracy McGrady really the best passing wing in the NBA? And does Morey still think Boston is the team to beat this year? Read on to find out.

JCF: So now what? Do you get a break? Or do you just dive straight into draft and free-agent prep?

DM: It’s both. Free agency arrives a couple days after the draft so you gotta be ready for both. So with the coaching staff it’s more about free agents or trade targets. Then with the personnel side it’s more draft. Then we’re also working on off-season player development plans for the players; strength and conditioning plans as well. So we’re packing in a lot of off-season planning this week, then that will free up more time to study free agents, trade targets and draft eligible players for the next seven weeks.

JCF: So you don’t mind running down your list of trade targets, do you?

Nothing ruins a sporting event more than some hack who won’t give the score, or keeps screaming, or gets facts wrong. Here are Houston’s five worst offenders.

5. Clyde Drexler was one of the greatest basketball players the city of Houston has ever produced. As a broadcaster, well, let’s just say that as a broadcaster he was a better coach. Sure, he’s an improvement over Calvin Murphy, but that’s just because he doesn’t waste time talking about cookies.

4. Mark Vandermeer has a great voice. Unfortunately, when he’s broadcasting a game, you get the feeling that he’s more concerned with trying to fit in one of his catchphrases than he is with actually describing the play. You also get the feeling he’d be happier hearing his voice on a SportsCenter highlight than with the Texans winning a game.