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I spent my Sunday afternoon watching the Astros and reading the Chronicle. Well, actually, the Astros game took much longer than it takes to read the Chronicle. While engaged in these activities, I came across Jesus Ortiz’s “Baseball Notebook” column.

The column’s really nothing but Ortiz’s standard the-Astros-are-really-great-the-whole-team’s-just-in-a-slump thing. But this little tidbit caught my eye when I was reading Ortiz discuss Lance Berkman’s slump: “He’ll be the community leader, preaching to young children about living the way the Good Lord wishes” when he breaks out of his slump.

April 29, 2006. The NFL world still isn’t ready to let us forget that date. One year later, analysts still (rightfully) deride the Texans for selecting not-so-super Mario and even Electronic Arts has joined in the fun by basing an entire marketing campaign around Houston’s draft blunder. Then again, we don’t seem overly willing to let it go either. Tune in to your favorite local sports talk station today and I guarantee you’ll hear yet another stale take on the Vince/Reggie/Mario love triangle. It’s as sure a thing as the sunrise at this point.

The Astros lost two of three to the first-place Milwaukee Brewers over the weekend. This marked the first time that the Brewers had won a series against the Astros, in Houston, since September of 1997.

Staff ace Roy Oswalt took the loss on Friday. The Brewers won 4-1. After the game, the Astros called spring phenom Hunter Pence up from Round Rock. With Chris Burke benched in favor of Pence, the Astros won the Saturday game 10-1, giving rookie Chris Sampson the victory. Woody Williams went 0 for April as he lost the Sunday game to the Brewers 3-1. The Astros stranded 13 runners. The ‘Stros loaded the bases three times on Sunday, but were unable to score. The lone Sunday run came from a Mike Lamb pinch hit homer.

You know what. Screw my psychologist. Sometimes, there's just nothing positive upon which to dwell.

The Astros lost, again, to the Pirates, again. The final of this sixth loss in a row, and sixth straight loss to Pittsburgh, was 5-3. The Astros scored 2 runs in the top of the ninth, and loaded the bases, only to have Adam Everett pull off one of his familiar ground outs to end the game.

First, a confession: I’m positively mocked-out at this point. I’m tired of thinking my way through a million different scenarios and I’m sick of reading everyone else’s opinions. Quite frankly, when I calculate how many hours I’ve thrown away playing the world’s greatest guessing game, I’m more than a wee bit ashamed. And if I, an admitted draft addict, am sick of the speculation, then I suspect you are too. Thankfully, draft day is right around the corner. And if it makes you feel better (and more likely to read the rest of this column), know that I’ve once again devised some scenarios you won’t see anywhere else.

+ -- underclassman

1. Oakland Raiders (2-14)
+ JaMarcus Russell, QB, LSU

Everybody knows Calvin Johnson is the best prospect in this year’s draft. But when you’ve passed on Matt Leinart, Jay Cutler, Phillip Rivers and Ben Roethlisberger over the course of the last three years, you better take a freaking quarterback this time around.

Okay, as requested by my psychologist, I’m going to keep things positive. So, I won’t mention that the Astros had 16 hits. Or that the ‘Stros left 18 men on base. Or that Morgan Ensberg was 0-7 with a walk. And I won’t mention that the Astros lost to the Pirates, 4-3, in 16 innings.

I also won’t tell you that the Astros have yet to defeat the Pirates this season.

I also can’t mention that the Pirates won the game when first baseman Adam LaRoche, batting all of .109, singled up the middle with the bases loaded and two men out.

Since I can’t say any of that, I’ll tell you the positives.

From local rapper Pitre (whose name, we’re assuming, is pronounced like that of the middle Brady boy) comes a completely unofficial official Houston Rockets theme song: “Make Way for the Rockets.”

Click on “Listen” below to hear the antics of T-Mac and Yao set to music. And if anyone out there wants to come up with an unofficial official HouStoned theme song, we’ll be happy to post that too. – Keith Plocek

First, a confession. I don’t listen to, or watch, every inning of every Astros game. So I missed the bottom of the eighth inning of the Monday loss to the Phillies. So I missed Brad Lidge pitching. I just assumed that since the score was the same as when I returned to the game in the top of the ninth, that he hadn’t pitched.

I was wrong.

Once upon a time, I thought mock drafts were the cheapest trick in the sports blogger’s repertoire. Out of ideas for a column? Just whip up a new mock draft. But then I discovered the running diary. What an ingenious invention. Simply pick your event of choice, make fun of the announcers, deliver a few sage comments and voila! With a minimal amount of effort and creative thought, you’ve got something to hand in to your slave-driving editor.

So never one to pass up on an opportunity to display my laziness, I figured I owed it to myself to give the ol’ running diary thing a try. Besides, you already know I’ve sunk low enough to go the mock draft route (FYI, my final mock will be available on Friday), so there’s no use pretending I’m above the fray. And since nobody else is talking about them, I think the Houston Rockets should prove to be a suitable subject for this experiment. Of course, if Game One was any indication as to how this series will be played, you might end up seeing a whole lot of “zzzzzzzzzzz” on your monitor. Anyway, on with the show!

The Astros lost to the Phillies last night to return to the .500 mark. But saying that the Astros lost last night is to insult the word lost. The Astros didn’t just lose last night. The Astros were demolished by a score of 11-4.

There is some good news. Craig Biggio led off the game with a home run. And Brad Lidge didn’t get torched. Then again, Lidge didn’t pitch.

That’s it for the good news.

The Astros now have three games in Pittsburgh. Woody Williams is set to open the series with the Pirates, if he’s still healthy. – John Royal

When they were building Minute Maid Park, it was said and written that Drayton McLane had them take lots of ideas from Oriole Park at Camden Yards, the home of the Baltimore Orioles and the first of the retro-style ballparks that have since swept through baseball.

I have never liked Minute Maid Park. It’s too gimmicky. Too full of little tricks. Too plastic. It just tries too hard. And I’ve been to many of the new retro-parks – Coors Field in Denver, Jacobs Field in Cleveland, AT&T Park in San Francisco, Comerica Park in Detroit, The Ballpark in Arlington – and I’ve always liked those stadiums so much more than what Drayton had built with my money. But I was at a loss to really say why. Sure, there’s that stupid hill in center. There are the flagpoles that are in play. There’s the Crawford Boxes and the cheap homeruns. And don’t forget that idiotic choo-choo train loaded with giant pumpkins.

But all of the other parks that I visited also have their quirks. Just what is it about Minute Maid that rubs me the wrong way?

Question One: Craig Biggio’s just hit a grand slam in the top of the ninth to put the Astros up 6-2 over the Brewers. For the bottom of the ninth inning, you:

a. Go with your closer, Dan Wheeler – that’s his job;
b. Go with your set-up guy, Chad Wheeler – it’s a 4 run lead, why waste your closer;
c. Go with Brad Lidge – yeah, he’s your sixth inning guy, but he needs confidence building.

Question Two: Brad Lidge has just given up a three-run home run to the Brewers’ Prince Fielder. It’s now the bottom of the ninth, there’s only one out, and the score’s now 6-5. You choose to:

a. Go with your closer, Dan Wheeler – that’s his job;
b. Go with your set-up guy, Chad Wheeler – he’s got closer’s stuff;
c. Go with Trever Miller and play that whole lefty-righty match-up thing.

The walk to the Grand Prix of Houston was hot; a barren expanse of parking lot. Off in the distance, the whizzing of the open-wheel cars around the track sounded like locusts; a pillaging mob circling the vacant Astrodome.

Inside the gates, the buzzing rarely stopped, making earplugs a necessity, which in turn served as a buffer for everyone in the crowd, blocking out everything but each person’s own thoughts. This solidarity of solitude increased in the grandstands, where folks sat next to each other, staring at the cars whizzing by, unable to hear each other.

Drivers were revving up their engines left and right today at the Houston Grand Prix. The morning started out with teams getting their practice runs and feel for the track. In other words, it wasn’t very exciting, which is probably why the only other people there at 10 a.m. besides me and my caffeine-starved companion were other media people, volunteers and crew members. However, qualifying races start later this evening and the laid-back atmosphere gave us free reign. So we headed to where we thought the action was – pit row. Sure it’s fun to watch cars race, but it’s even better to see five guys change four tires, fill a car up with gas and get out any other kinks in under a minute – especially when you think about all the times you had to sit up at the mechanics' for four hours waiting for an oil change. Maybe we should get McDonald’s to sponsor our cars …

HouStoned will be at the Grand Prix of Houston for the next three days, sending back tales of rubber and exhaust. Keep checking back for updates and, no doubt, plenty of punny references to gentlemen starting their engines and getting their motors running and crossing the finish line and plenty of other racing clichés that kinda sorta sound sexual. – Keith Plocek