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Courtesy of the Houston Dynamo

Cha-Ching! Brian downed Chivas (get it?) in yesterday's match.

As you may have heard, Houston soccer fans are rejoicing after the Houston Dynamo beat Chivas USA in 2-0 victory yesterday at Robertson Stadium. It was a dramatic match, featuring a bench-clearing brawl and a series-ending goal in stoppage time from team stud Brian Ching.

Now the team faces the Colorado Rapids at Robertson Stadium 6 p.m. this Sunday, November 5, for the Western Conference title. A huge win, to be sure, and one that just about every local, orange-clad Dynamo fan expected. But who was most shocked by yesterday's championship berth? Team president Oliver Luck.

"Well, I'll say we expected to be in the Championships, but we didn't expect to be hosting," he says. "The players and those of us in the front office felt like we could beat Chivas in our quarterfinal match." So what was the big surprise?

"We didn't expect Dallas to lose," says Luck. "They had a great season, they won the Western Conference with a nice gap. We were second place — but a distant second, if you will. They were playing at home; they were up one goal from the first game. And the championship game is in their home park up in Frisco. So I thought they'd be really motivated to play a championship game at home in front of their fans — what a great home field advantage that would be. So I thought they were a shoo-in to beat Colorado. And they lost." Which meant, for Luck, the "holy crap" moment.

"Yeah, clearly there was an element of shock," he adds, "but I took great pleasure in Dallas's misfortune."

Luck says he was in the office at 6 a.m. today in preparation for "Operation Sellout," meaning "in sports terms, we have to 'turn it around' in five working days," he says. "We have the stadium reserved, but we've got to get the word out, sell the place out and all the other logistical things." The team is planning a public rah-rah/pep rally type of event, though details are sketchy at best right now. Look for something — if anything — to happen Thursday or Friday.

"For the fans, this is great because you have a championship-level event, and they don't come around that often," says Luck. "It would be like the Astros hosting the ALCS, the Rockets hosting the Western Conference Finals, or they Texans hosting the AFC Championship." (The Texans hosting the AFC title game? Oliver, you so crazy!)

Sure, there are only five business days -- and counting — to sell out the big game. But Luck thinks old fans and new fans will fill Robertson up this weekend. After all, he says, just look at the support so far:

"Last week, we asked the mayor to ask the city to 'Go Orange.' And it's absolutely shocking as you drive around Houston's neighborhoods, whether it's in the suburbs or the city, to see the response — people putting orange vegetables in front of their doors."

He really had us going for a minute, until...

"Yeah, and this whole trick-or-treat thing tomorrow? It's actually a Dynamo support vehicle. So I say 'Thank you, Mayor White.' It's really amazing how people listen to the mayor and City Council." — Steven Devadanam

You got lucky, VY, really lucky...

The biggest news coming out of yesterday's Texans/Titans game is that Vince Young (you may know him as VY) beat his hometown team. Even the most die-hard Texans fans (both of them) had to smile when Vince dropped back to pass, tucked the ball in, turned on the jets and sliced through a stunned Texans D and into the endzone. Even prettier was his jog to the stands, where he tossed the ball to a fan, who turned and handed it to a surprised little kid. It's hard to draw up a better play.

Down 14-3 in the first half, Texans coach Gary Kubiak said that the team needed "the best football we've needed all year."

Well, duh. David Carr had thrown a pick and fumbled twice, and the only players on offense who bothered showing up were youngsters Owen Daniels and Wali Lundy — both of whom are cementing go-to-guy status — and LT Ephraim Salaam, who played hurt, had to be helped up by fellow lineman and was the only Texan to go after Carr's second fumble.

And so Carr gets benched, and in comes Sage Rosenfels, to the delight of "Play Sage" fans everywhere. On his first drive, Sage dropped back, read the defense and zinged one to Andre Johnson, who let the ball pop off his right shoulder and into the hands of PacMan Jones.

Adding insult to injury: Jones, a first-round punk who barely looks worth his draft status — oh, and who's been accused of spitting in a women's face — got his first ever INT on that play.

Not that Sage didn't show poise. He read the D, didn't panic, dished the ball off while the offensive line held their blocks and kept the offense moving. Late in the third, he hung a high pass on a rope for Johnson, who pulled a Dwayne Wade and soared through the air, snatching the ball and hitting the endzone. All this while Carr watched from the sidelines, visibly pissed. Rosenfels ensured that the 28-22 loss didn't look as embarrassing to the team as it really was.

And Vince? He danced on the sideline when his teammate Jones (yeah, PacMan Jones) fielded a punt and ran it in for TD. He jumped for joy when DT Robaire Smith, a player signed to replace head-stomping Albert Haynesworth , blocked the Texans extra point. (Oh yeah, the Texans waived Smith before the season. You knew he'd come to play.)

Like Gary's hairdo? You should see his huevos!

After the game, fans piled on Carr on Sportsradio 610's fan feedback show, calling for his head and for a Rosenfels promotion. One caller praised coach Kubiak for having the "huevos" to bench Carr.

Clearly, Carr's this franchise's whipping boy. Coach Kubiak — make no mistake — is the reason this team drafted Mario Williams, and not VY or even Reggie Bush. He's the reason the Texans looked so shitty in the second half, when they fashionably strolled along instead of running a hurry-up offense with more than two minutes left to play. Players couldn't manage time, couldn't catch gimme passes, couldn't block, couldn't tackle and couldn't stop a face-spitter from dancing into the endzone (and humping a goal post — ugh).

But yeah, it's all Carr's fault. Kubiak has huevos.

Meanwhile, VY looked poised, sharp and professional, prompting all the "We shoulda drafted VY" talk.

And to those "Draft Vince Young" fans, I offer four simple letters: STFU.

If you're really a VY fan, would you want him here? Here with an offensive line roster that gets shuffled more than Paris's hookup list? Here with — up until yesterday — an utterly unreliable running game? With a defense that ensures that the offense will have to score a lot of points?

Would you like to see him crucified by four D lineman and two linebackers every other play, like his counterpart Carr? Or worse: having to tuck the ball in and run every down, proving all the anti-VY, "he's just a runner" haters right?

Or would you want him in a place where there's no pressure? Where he'd line up with Travis Henry and LenDale White (as ironic as that might be)? A place where the biggest burden of success is the one he places on himself? You know, a place like Tennessee.

Thought so. So shut up and buy the blue Titans #10 jersey already. — Steven Devadanam

How many other college football previews reference Fellini and Proust?

We're now into Week 4 of Football U, and in just a month, we've witnessed the unthinkable: Rich and John have agreed. Twice. Bobby Bowden is spinning in his grave. Wha? He's alive? Sorry, it's his "running game" that's dead. Our bad.

This week, pigskin pundits Richard Connelly and John Nova Lomax dissect the matchups and the luck o' the Irish. The coin has been tossed: Lomax kicks off, Connelly gets the ball in the second half:

John's Picks

Well, last week's games were instructive, to say the least. Among the lessons learned:

Colt McCoy is indeed worthy of the Major Applewhite comparisons. The dude went into Lincoln and pulled out an epic victory in front of 75,000 drunken, bellowing tillers of the soil. And he did it in a howling blizzard the likes of which would paralyze even Genghis Khan's Mongol horde. Nebraska blitzed from every angle on every play, it seemed, but it was hard to say for sure, as the director ABC sent to broadcast that game treated it like a film school project.

Seriously, that broadcast was like watching Fellini's Satyricon or something — spinning overhead shots, bizarre angles, and the infamous cut to the Nebraska running back's brother wildly cheering in the stands IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING TOUCHDOWN RUN.

Jeff Samardzija's high-steppin' earned him a Gale Sayers comparison from Lomax. Wow.

Notre Dame brought new meaning to the words "luck of the Irish." After stifling Brady Quinn and company for 59-and-a-half minutes, the UCLA defense reverted to the form that has launched so many of their opponents on to Heisman-winning seasons. On that last touchdown, Jeff Samardzija looked like Gale Sayers playing against some 6-man team's JV squad.

This is the worst Miami team since Jimmy Carter was in the White House and K.C. and the Sunshine Band was on the charts. I know half the team was suspended, but they barely squeaked past Duke, a team so comically inept that they were shut out at home by the Richmond Spiders. Georgia Tech will beat the Canes like a rented mule this weekend.

And that's one of the very few games worth getting excited about on this weekend. On to the picks.

Oklahoma at Missouri. Two speed-crazed states compete in what should be called the Crystal Meth Bowl. (The winner could take him a plastic jug full of benzene and crushed Sudafeds.) Anyway, the Peterson-less Sooners pummeled Colorado last weekend, who decided to go with a draw the plays in the dirt offense. That's not the case with Missouri — even though coach Gary Pinkel is a drooling simpleton, their offense is slightly more complicated than Colorado's. That, coupled with the fact that Oklahoma lost yet another offensive lineman to injury last weekend, spells trouble for the Sooners. Mizzu 21, OU 17.

Texas at Texas Tech. The Horns injury-riddled defense faces a stern test in Lubbock, and Tech QB Graham Harrell is coming off a rare flub-free game. Expect that to change this weekend, as UT defensive coordinator Gene Chizik looses the hounds on his Red Raider ass. Horns win a laugher 52-21.

Texas A&M at Baylor. The Aggies return to the scene of their historic 2004 defeat and face the sort of pass-heavy offense that has given them trouble all year. I don't think Baylor's defense can cope with porky Javorskie Lane, though, and that's why the Ags will win 30-24.

Notre Dame at Navy. Why don't the Domers just join Conference USA and get it over with? The Irish win round one of their round-robin tour of the service academies by a score of 45-17.

UCF at Houston. Coogs big. 44-10.

Up next: Writing a football screenplay? Connelly has your cheat sheet (and picks)...

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You should know that the Astrodome doesn't grant interviews to just anyone.

Remember the news that NFL stadiums, including Reliant, were targets for a dirty bomb attack? When the threats turned out to be a hoax, we moved on. But some other news outlets, such as our pals at KHOU, followed up with dirty-bomb-making pieces.

We'd heard from just about everyone on this story, but there was one person, or entity, who was conspicuously absent from the reports: the Astrodome.

The quickest way to contact the Dome is through his MySpace page, which is totally worth a visit. You'll find that A. Dome is searching for "Single female domed stadiums, including D.I.L.F's." His MySpace friends include Yankee Stadium and Rally Monkey. He's an Aries and a country music fan. "Don't get me started on those whiney emo guys," he says.

The venerable stadium smacks a fellow local sports venue in one of his blogs, and doesn't mince words about his neighbor, Reliant Stadium:

... Now this monstrosity next door gets my Super Bowl (not the first time I lost this game to another Houston venue)... My God, what a ghastly place... Let's see, notable milestones in Reliant Stadium history?: "Wardrobe Malfunction", thank you... You've got a long way to go, punk...

Dome, or should I say "Mr." Dome (he's a 41-year-old male), agreed to an exclusive interview regarding the recent bomb scare. He was refreshingly frank, if a little grumpy. — Steven Devadanam

Steven Devadanam: How did you first react to the news about the dirty bomb threat?

Astrodome: I didn't give it a second thought. I've received numerous bomb threats over the years.

Did you feel left out at all, considering only your neighbor Reliant Stadium was named in them?

AD: Like I wanna get blown to smithereens. I recently dodged a bullet in the form of a demolition crew when Harris County recently approved a plan to renovate me into a hotel/convention center. Like we need another one of those.

Did Reliant Stadium say anything to you? Was he scared?

AD: We are not on speaking terms. But he didn't seem like his normal self last week, what with Homeland Security sweeping through him. They paid me a courtesy visit, but I could tell it was more out of respect to my greatness rather than any real threat.

He's not as tough as he looks, is he?

AD: The so called "Jewel of the NFL" and Enron Field, or whatever they call it these days...

You mean Minute Maid Park -- or the Juice Box?

AD: Yeah, they are blights on Houston's landscape like so many strip centers. These garish monstrosities are already looking pretty run down. Notice how it takes two stadiums to replace the "8th Wonder of the World?"

You seem a little bitter. Could there any chance that you're behind these bomb threats?

AD: I'm offended by this question.

Look, don't lose your, um, dome. I'm just saying that if anything ever happened to Reliant Stadium (God forbid), you'd be next in line.

AD: Okay, I will dignify it with a response. Once you get past the loss of life, as tragic as that would be, tickets will have to be sold and replacing season ticket holders is not that easy, particularly with the product the Texans have put on the field of late. A more logical replacement, from a butts-in-seats standpoint, is my homey Rice Stadium. But most likely the team would be relocated, so if you wanna point fingers you might look in the direction of the Los Angeles Coliseum.

Would you be intimidated by a bomb threat?

AD: Bring it on.

That's very Luv Ya Blue of you. Speaking of old skool, back in your day, how would you and other arenas respond to a wussy threat like this?

AD: I can't speak for other venues. But I might have dispatched the 1979 Houston Oilers to take on the likes of Al-Qaeda and The Taliban. Those North Dallas Forty guys may have been Hollywood crazy, but the '79 Oilers were truly crazed and could really wreak havoc and mayhem. HazMat used to have to visit their locker room after every victory.

Bomb threats aside, your fate is still sort of up in the air. How would you like to go out? Maybe as an AstroCasino?

AD: I'd much rather be converted to a NASCAR track or Ultimate Fighting venue. But it sure beats meeting the fate of my late great pal the Kingdome, God rest his soul.

Courtesy of the Houston Dynamo

Maybe the Dynamo will teach Mayor White some soccer chants. We think he'd nail the "Ole, Ole-Ole-Oleee..." one.

It's been a common complaint among Houston soccer fan that the city don't give soccer, er, football, no love. But that's changing today.

There's a ceremony going on right now at City Hall in which Houston mayor B. White is proclaiming Sunday, October 29 "Go Orange!" Day in honor of the Houston Dynamo, which closes its first-round playoff series against Chivas USA this Sunday. This could finally be the answer to the Houston Texans Battle Red Day.

"The whole city is excited and proud of our Dynamo," says Mayor White. (Hear that, soccer fan? The whole city.) "We wish them good luck and look forward to celebrating Houston's first championship soccer team."

Dynamo All-Star Eddie Robinson and president and general manager Oliver Luck will hang with the mayor and shower him with Dynamo gifts. Bet Mayor BW would look quite smart in the orange jersey and matching shorts. -- Steven Devadanam

John and Rich pylon Miami. Ha! Get it... pyl-on? Anyone?

Friends, the only thing better than Football U. on a chilly Friday is an early three-martini lunch. Ahh...

Er, anyway, this week, our pigskin pundits Richard Connelly and John Nova Lomax do the unthinkable: they agree. On Notre Dame. Hath hell frozen over? Let's find out. Lomax kicks off, Connelly gets the ball in the second half:

John's Picks

Truth be told, there are a few teams I will pull for Notre Dame to beat. Oklahoma, is one, USC is another. And then there's Miami. When the Irish take on the 'Canes, I bleed as Kelly green as Ara Parseghian. At least when Notre Dame stomped a mudhole in Texas in the Cotton Bowl in 1978, they had the decency not to rack up 16 penalties (most for unsportsmanlike conduct) for 202 yards, as Miami did.

And while the fan fallout from last week's brawl is a bit overblown (The death penalty, for a fight they didn't even start? C'mon people...) that ugly fracas certainly is of a piece with certain other chapters in Thug U's ongoing litany of shame.

Which made this reader comment we received at Football U by txcanes on October 10, 2006 all the more amusing:

"Go ahead and hate Miami. A program that gradudates 77% of its kids. A program that is now recruiting kids who do not make the news for their arrests. Go ahead and hate a probram that has kids that get a Bachelors degree in international finance and a Masters in Business in 4 years. That would be Eric Winston, ever heard of him yahoo? Or another kid who gets his Bachelors degeee and Masters degree in Business, that would be Vilma , ever heard of him. But I can understand why you would hate Miami, because they are doing it right and have won it all while doing it right, like Ohio State with Maurice. Right. He would not have even played for Miami his freshman year because of his academics. Hate us, we like it!"

That, my friends, is what you call impeccable comic timing.

Editor's note: Amen, JNL! For more on the genius of Miami fan, we bring you this brainiac:

For me, the best part of this whole scandal was not Lamar Thomas's asinine commentary -- "I was about to go down the elevator and get into that thing,' and '''Why don't they just meet outside in the tunnel after the ball game and get it on some more?'' are our favorites there -- but that it showed just how far the once-mighty 'Canes had fallen. Back in the day, they only used to brawl against ranked teams on national TV. Now, they're reduced to whooping ass on directional schools on regional broadcasts. As I told "Txcanes," it's like seeing Mike Tyson pop up in a brawl on Cheaters.

After the jump: Lomax makes his picks and Connelly smacks Thug U a wee bit more...

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"Johnson explo... um, I mean, runs down the sideline!"

I know a few Texans season ticket holders who've secretly dreamed of blowing up Reliant Stadium, but this is a little extreme.

There's news today that several NFL stadiums, including Reliant, were named as targets for radiological dirty bomb attack in a recent Internet thread titled "New Attack on America Be Afraid." The other stadiums named are in New York, Miami, Atlanta, Seattle, Oakland and Cleveland.

Gee, is it a coincidence that none of those teams are doing so well?

Anyhoo, looks like the site that's listed in the searches, The Friend Society (or its cousin, the F***Society) has been taken down. The Feds don't seem to be taking the threat too seriously. The folks at Reliant Stadium held a press conference today (for which the media was given 15 minutes notice) about the threats. Sez Shea Guinn, the president of Reliant Park:

"We have and continue to maintain a good, working relationship with both local and federal law enforcement agencies, and based on the Department of Homeland Security's statement; they have judged that there is not a credible threat to the greater Houston area.

As we do with all of our events at Reliant Park, we are working with our law enforcement officials and DHS to ensure a safe environment for all fans, players and gameday employees.

For the safety of the facility, our policy remains that we are not able to disclose any detailed security procedure or information."

So there you have it. No need to stay home this weekend, Texans fans. (Well, other than the obvious reason.)

Meanwhile, I'll call Texans play-by-play announcer Mark Vandermeer and ask if he'll be referring to David Carr's long passes as "bombs." Will he and Andre Ware be allowed to say the team's "blowing up" in the third quarter? Stay tuned. — Steven Devadanam

Consider this an artist's rendering of Cowboys Tony Romo and T.O.

Thank the football god above, the Texans-Cowboys game is over.

The chatter on sports talk radio is almost dead. And no longer do we have to watch T.O. crying about his lack of tosses (unless you tune into ESPN, that is). The Governor's Cup talk is behind us. We can be spared the visage of Jerry Jones's melting face.

Anyone who's seen the Texans and Cowboys play this season knew we were going to lose Sunday. And no, it's not because "the Texans suck." The team was leading in the first half. The normally porous offensive line actually held up in pass protection. Coach Kubiak's plan of getting the ball to our offensive beast Andre Johnson was sound — he became the key to our success on drives.

David Carr looked better than he has all year. His drop back n' run play that came late in the second quarter was a snapshot of his skills. He read the defense, bolted, sprinted past some mean bastards, and was laid out by Cowboys executioner Roy Williams as he slid. And what did he do? He bounced right up.

But the team can't run block. We lack a credible starting running back. And our defensive backfield is suspect, to say the least. (To be fair, starting corner Lewis Sanders got arm-raped on the first Terrell Owens touchdown. There hasn't been man-on-man canoodling like that since the whole Foley thing.)

Next: Meet Cowboys Fan and his four teeth. Sweet!

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Watch these guys take each other to school...

Yep, it's time again for Football U., in which Richard Connelly and John Nova Lomax go head-to-head, dissecting college pigskin games, and sometimes, mascots. Love the picks? Hate 'em? Leave your picks, takes or shit-talk in the commnets section.

Rich's picks:

This week, once again, the Longhorn Nation is in shock.

Not because they discovered they had somehow scheduled a community college like Sam Houston, or that they had actually managed to beat Oklahoma — it's becoming obvious that the wrong Coach Stoops stayed in Norman — but because, as Joseph Conrad might write if he were ever to tackle the Heart of Darkness that is college football: Mistah Bevo, he dead.

Until the Miami finally takes its "Tha U" image to its logical conclusion and adopts a blunt-smok ing, Escalade-driving, Glock-toting, grill-sporting gangbanger as its sideline mascot (and we're not saying that would be a bad thing), Bevo stands tall as the most fitting symbol of a university's football fans.

The self-important, swaggering boors who make up the high-dollar levels of the Texas Exes are represented by a cow who travels in pampered style, watches games in an intoxicated stupor, and cares so little for decorum that he shits in other people' s living rooms and brags about it (in Bevo's case, on the "N" on Nebraska's 50-yard-line).

They're ain't no sacred cows in Connelly's world...

The fact that Bevo is a de-balled steer, we leave that to you to ponder.

Colorado's buffalo storms across the field to lead the team out before every game. Tommy the Trojan gallops down the sidelines on Traveler when USC scores. Chief Osceola charges over the Doak Walker Stadium turf to plant a burning spear before every kickoff, triggering awful memories in FSU's Bobby Bowden about his childhood days, when Indian attacks were still to be feared nightly.

What does Bevo do? Sit on his plump ass and get spoon-fed gourmet eats. Kind of like what happens in the superboxes at Memorial Stadium.

At any rate, Bevo is dead, long live Bevo. We're sure the new one will occasionally lift its head as the team puts up 70 points on the directional schools of the world.

It's pretty much a dog schedule in the NCAA this week, but picks must be made:

Florida - Auburn: Will a point be scored by anyone but a kicker in this thing? Probably, but it'll be by one or both of the defenses, and the talking heads will be creaming themselves over how hard-hitting and tough those SEC defense are, as opposed to how inept and comical SEC offenses are. Florida QB Chris Leak continues on his quest to answer the question "Who do I have to blow to get people to stop chanting for Tim Tebow?" Auburn 13-3.

Michigan - Penn State: Nittany Lions' coach Joe Paterno, the only NCAA coach who calls Bobby Bowden "sonny," woke up this week with a brilliant idea to transform offensive football: drop the wing-T formation and throw the ball. His staff was spared yet another of their many "Ummm, Coach, that already happened a looong time ago" moments because, despite a night-long search, Paterno couldn't find the Pony Express office he was looking for to contact them about his brainstorm. Michigan 42-14.

Houston - Southern Miss: The Coogs choked it up against UL-Lafayette last week, so who knows what they'll do this week? And how many people are going to care? Answers: a) Win, just to remain inconsistent; and b) Very, very few. UH 33-24.

UT - Baylor: What with all the cow-worshipping UT does, this has the flavor of a Hindu-Baptist slugfest. Vishnu kicks Jesus's ass, then worries about bad karma. But even with Mack Brown coaching, Baylor ain't beating UT for a long, long time. UT 56-21.

Lomax smacks Connelly, after the jump...

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Photos by Steven Devadanam

Practice? This dang near looked like a game.

Got a chance to check out an extremely savvy PR move disguised as a Houston Rockets open practice today. The team opened Toyota Center for an afternoon practice/scrimmage event that included a "Chalk Talk" session with a team rep, a team scrimmage (the players were divided into red and white teams) an autograph session and a Q&A with a player after the game.

The initial media bulletins said the event was open to the first 1,000 fans, but when I showed up, a Rockets rep told me there were 3,400 Rockets faithful watching the practice on the court. Indeed, with the stadium announcer and all the people screaming "T-Mac! T-Mac! T-Mac!", it sounded like a real game.

The Rockets players look like they're ready to ball. John Lucas III (you may have heard of his dad) sprints the court well. It's easy to see how new Greek import Vassilis Spanoulis was able to dust the U.S. team recently. And it seems like T-Mac's back is ok. (For now.) Yao Ming's off rehabbing his toe, but his sub, the wiley veteran bigman/finger-wagger Dikembe Mutumbo looks to be in fine form. Team White handed it to Team Red, 25-14.

I watched the game from the second level, and enjoyed the cheapest lunch I've ever had at a sporting event. For four bucks, I got two hot dogs, some nachos and a drink. Considering the rib sandwich at the Toyota Center is $11, this was quite the bargain.

Afterwards, fans got to shoot free throws and schmooze rookies.

Afterwards, fans crowded the exits to high-five players. Juwan Howard pumped up the crowd while T-Mac high-fived little kids. Other players, such as fan favorite Scott Padgett, held free-throw clinics on the court. Dollar sodas and hot dogs? Autographs? A brilliant marketing move.

Memorable moments:

The stadium announcer's first calling of guard Kelenna Azubuike's number. A lady next to me asked, "Did he just say 'Can I Have Your Booty?"

Newbie shooter Steve Novak, in quite the Kodak moment, helping a two-foot toddler dunk.

Newly acquired forward Shane Battier, during an on-the-court Q&A session, chirping about how "wonderful" Houstonians are -- as nearly all of them stand, turn and stream out of the stands into the parking lots. — Steven Devadanam

Y'know, this would probably make a decent sports talk show...

And now, HouStoned presents Football U. Each week, Richard Connelly and John Nova Lomax will tell you which college pigskin games you should watch, why you should watch them, and why each of them is a better football prognosticator than the other. Think of it as our version of PTI (though we'd hate think of either of these guys as our Tony Kornheiser):

Rich's Picks

The biggest football news coming out of last week was obvious — the undermanned UT Longhorns survived a scare against Sam Houston State.

Scheduling a powerhouse like Sam Houston the week before the Oklahoma game was bizarre, for several reasons:

SHSU normally plays six-man football, so the chance to have five extra players on the field was thought to give them a huge advantage.

Several Bearkat players (and yes, I had to Google to find out the nickname, as with any football power) had been high-school studs who had been recruited by UT, in the sense that they picked up a brochure at the UT table during their high school's College Night.

Bearkat QB Wade Pate had opened the 2006 season by passing for three TDs against Arkansas-Monticello, and UT had never before beaten any QB who had so throroughly scorched a team from Monticello, Arkansas. (Motto: The Monticello Without All That Jefferson Stuff.)

Finally, UT had somehow managed to get through SHSU Week, as it was known around Austin, without having any players arrested. Not even pulled over. Coaches hate when they have to deviate from the routine like that in the build-up to a big game.

Despite all this, the gutsy Longhorns beat the Bearkats, who were perhaps looking past UT to their big match-up this week with Northwestern State. But the Longhorns' reward for such bold scheduling is a trip to Dallas. (What was second prize, a trip to Monticello, Arkansas?)

Notre Dame fan Connelly likes Brady Quinn and the Irish this weekend. Go figure...

This week's picks:

TEXAS - OKLAHOMA — Warning sign for Longhorn fans — this is another one of those games where Mack Brown has to use his coaching acumen. Never a good sign, it's even worse when that coaching acumen is unable to consist of telling Vince Young "Get in shotgun and see what happens." OU wins 24-10.

LSU - FLORIDA — Student-athletes from these two fine institutions of learning will actually take time away from their studies to play in this game; fans of both teams are brushing up on their Proust and Voltaire in order to find le mot juste of a pre-game put-down. LSU is overrated, Florida has the sleazy Urban Meyer and his gimmicky offense. Unfortunately, we see the Gators winning by 10.

NOTRE DAME - STANFORD — On the other end of the educational spectrum, two teams whose players actually graduate. Notre Dame players, however, manage to do so while playing good football. The Irish name the score here, which will probably end up being 42-10 or so.

HOUSTON - LOUISIANA LAFAYETTE — Fresh off a frustrating loss to Miami, UH looks to get healthy against a Sam Houston-level opponent. If they can't, all the sudden rosiness on Cullen Boulevard will disappear faster than a decent parking space on campus. UH 35-14.

MICHIGAN STATE - MICHIGAN — The frozen north's version of UT-A&M features the Batshit-Crazy College Coach of the Year, State's John L. Smith, who ended a recent press conference by slapping himself. Michigan's coach, Lloyd Carr, is nicknamed "Llloyd" because he usually bumbles his way to three losses a year. This year, though, the Wolverines have got their stuff together. UM 56-21.

John's Picks

Rich, Rich, Rich....Rich. How you dare to call yourself a sportswriter, I'll never know. It's obvious to me that you didn't even watch last week's epic battle between UT and Sam Houston, or even bother to read the box score. I know this because you mistakenly referred to Wade Pate as the quarterback of the Sam Houston State Bearkats, when it was in fact Brett Hicks. Yeah, the same Brett Hicks who piloted the Bandera Bulldogs to victories over the Ingram Moore Warriors and the Liberty Hill Panthers, all the way to an undefeated season and the 2002 3A state championship where they beat Midland Greenwood. I'll put this in Domerese -- the language you think in: Dude is like the Joe Montana of the (southwestern) Texas high schools (with enrollments under 125.)

Speaking of Notre Dame, every year you hear a lot about how brave the Fighting Irish are for lining up such a tough slate of games. Give me a break. Let's take a look at the remaining games on their schedule, shall we? Next up are home games against Stanford and UCLA, two Pac Ten teams with defenses you frequently see thrashing about in utter futility in the highlight reels of USC Heisman winners. Then there's perennial ACC doormat North Carolina and a tour of all three service academies. What, did the Border Patrol Academy have a conflict?

Sure, the Irish play USC every year, and Michigan and Georgia Tech are quality teams. But if Notre Dame was in any of the BCS conferences other than the Big East, they would have a tougher schedule than the one they have now. Yes, I'm including even the sorry-ass Big 12 in that pronouncement.

Speaking of the sorry-ass Big 12, here's this week's picks:

Can A-Pete withstand the pounding Lomax thinks is in store for him?

Texas vs Oklahoma: Paul Thompson throws three picks, Adrian Peterson has 36 carries for 69 yards, and the Sooner secondary lapses into their customary brain funk as the Horns roll 31-10. Peterson will suffer a severe concussion and shred every ligament in his knees and ankles, and Coach Stoops will tell him to "rub some Icy Hot on it and get back out there."

Baylor at Colorado: Two inept offenses tangle in Boulder. Buffs coach Dan Hawkins has said he might consider allowing strong-legged kicker Mason Crosby to attempt a 70-yard field goal some time this year, and this battle of Baptists and 'shroom-addled Phish fans in the thin Rockies air very well might be that time. Colorado is favored by five, but these two mullet squads might not score that many points combined. The only sure thing here is the under, no matter what that number might be. (A steal at 35 1/2.) Colorado wins 19-6.

Texas A&M at Kansas: The Aggies have a fatal flaw on defense, and his name is Jordan Peterson. Former Aggie legend Lester Hayes liked to mock "Caucasian Clydesdales," and Peterson looked very much that part last week against Texas Tech, getting torched time and time again and once more with emphasis on the final TD in the game's waning moments. This guy makes Elvis "Toast" Patterson look like Night Train Lane. Kansas, 31-27, with whoever is running the Jayhawk offense this week throwing for 350 yards.

Oklahoma State at Kansas State: Despite their loss to UH, the Cowboys are a pretty decent team. They'll take Manhattan this week and they will do it with ease. They are only one point favorites, but I think they're gonna roll the Mildcats by a score of 37-20. It was fun while it lasted for K-State, but they're headed back to their customary whipping boy role for decades to come. Oklahoma State, on the other hand, is a rising power in the South.

Missouri at Texas Tech: With all the flying footballs, this one will look a flea circus on crystal meth, the opposite of the titanic Baylor-Colorado struggle. Of the two "defenses," Tech's is the slightly less inept. And the game is in that shithole we call Lubbock, so Leach's Pirates will win 38-30.

Nebraska at Iowa State: Man, I miss the Huskers of old. I never hated them the way I hate, say, Miami. Their option game was a thing of beauty and they had players with cool football names like I.M. Hipp, Jarvis Redwine and Dean Steinkuhler , and they would frequently lose to Texas and stomp OU. Now, they're just another faceless Big 12 North team with a nondescript West Coast G-Funk offense and an asshole coach. They should take care of business in Ames, but it's sad even saying "should" in connection to Nebraska beating Iowa State. Bugeaters 24, Cyclones 17.

Phil's back, but the 'Stros have removed their Hickey.

Of all the problems the Astros have had this season, coaching, apparently, ain't one of them. That's clear as today, your Houston Astros have reupped with manager Phil Garner. The Astros manager is now under contract through 2008. A man who's no longer under contract is Jim Hickey, the 'Stros pitching coach.

That's interesting, considering that stats show that the Astros boasted the National League's second-lowest ERA (4.08), and tied the New York Mets for the most shutouts (12). Last year, the team ranked second in the NL with a 3.51 ERA and led the league with the fewest runs and walks allowed.

Definitely a reason to fire the guy who coaches your pitchers, right?

It'll be interesting to see what Drayton McClane has to say about Hickey's dismissal. For a team that desperately needs a bat with some punch, kicking the guy who coached Andy and Roger to the curb seems suspect. We'll be watching.

Oh, btw: Is it us, or does Phil bear a striking resemblance to this guy?
— Steven Devadanam

NFL.com

First it was Nick...

It started out with the signing of fullback Nick Luchey in the offseason. And soon, the Houston Texans would cut the strapping veteran blocking back — seemingly for nothing, much like Jessica kicked Nick Lachey to the curb.

The team then signs fullback Jameel Cook. Hardly newsworthy, until the team later signed massive tailback Ron Dayne.

NFL.com

...then Dayne...

NFL.com

...and Cook. See a pattern here?

Dayne. Cook. Coincidence? Puh-leeze. So will the team axe Dayne and Cook when Jessica picks up her next dude? No telling. But given her latest move, we wouldn't be surprised at all to see the Texans pair John Walker with a newly acquired Shawn Mayer. -- Steven Devadanam