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Party at Roy's house!

It can never be good news when the Astros send a non-game-related press release at 11:29 p.m. But lo — last night, the news was indeed good.

Your Houston Astros have inked slinger Roy Oswalt to five-year, $73 million contract extension, which runs through the 2011 season. Hells yeah. Have to admit, it didn't look good when his name was dubiously dangled in swap talks just before the MLB trade deadline. Seemed a perfect scenario for the Astros to go all Nolan Ryan on us.

But instead, the 'Stros gave Roy O a pretty dang nice birthday present (he turned 29 yesterday).

Given Oswalt's love for bulldozers, we did a little research. If he uses his money wisely and goes used, he could buy a whole bunch of Caterpillar D6N Xls — just like the kind that Drayton McLane bought him.

Well, 386, to be exact. Man, someone at John Deere's gonna have a helluva commission check. — Steven Devadanam

Last time these guys won anything...

So, I turn my back for one day and I find this, wherein (cough) Notre Dame fan (cough) Rich Connelly has taken issue with my belief that the Texas Longhorns will win the Big 12 football championship.

Connelly seems to believe that the Horns will revert to form this year, that the last year and a half was a mere VY-inspired "blip," as he put it. But hey, that "blip" is still fresh on UT radar, unlike the last time the Irish won anything of note.

You wanna know about blips, Rich? I'll tell you about blips. It'll be a blip the next time Notre Dame wins a bowl game, which as I am sure you will remember, they have failed to accomplish in the last eight consecutive trips. Over that span, they have been walloped by everyone from perennial powers Ohio State, LSU, and Florida State to North Carolina State, the second-best football program in a basketball state. And oh yeah, they were pimp-smacked not once but twice by the mighty Beavers of Oregon State.

...Whitney wasn't on the pipe.

Pitiful. The last time the Irish triumphed was the 1993 Cotton Bowl, when they squeaked by R.C. Slocum's Fightin' Texas Aggies 24-21.

That was a long time ago, folks. George Herbert Walker Bush was still in office. Our army was a month into its Somalian adventure. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York and Wayne's World were the talk of the multiplexes. Barney, Mad About You and The Larry Sanders Show had just debuted on TV. The pop charts were dominated by songs so old they are now the dorkiest of the dorky staples at the most drunken moments of receptions for old people's second weddings: stuff like "Baby Got Back" and "I'm Too Sexy."

Hell, the last time Notre Dame won a bowl game, Mariah wasn't crazy and Whitney wasn't a crackhead. And that was a long-ass time ago. — John Nova Lomax

EASports.com

Hope your Maddenoliday was bright.

The call came from my brother Wednesday morning as expected: "Dude, what the hell are you doing at work?"

"I was off yesterday."

"You don't take the day before Maddenoliday, off, you moron. You take Maddenoliday off."

I'm guessing many conversations such as this went down yesterday between slacker and worker types. The geniuses at game house EA Sports have tapped into a pop culture phenomenon: So desperately do gamers await the annual update of Madden NFL , that they take the day off after buying the game at a midnight opening day sale.

Hell, I've done it before. And I can say from experience, peeling away the plastic, popping open the box and removing the disc feels like tearing away wrapping paper on Christmas morning. The EA folks get that feeling, and thus have dedicated a "Maddenoliday" site to it.

My brother reports that the best part of the game by far is Superstar Mode. In it, you can be any kind of young player — quarterback, safety, offensive lineman. Simply choose what kind of parents you want (seriously -- my brother picked a dad who was a Hall of Fame offensive tackle) and you're off on your quest for a simulated NFL career -- with your computer-simmed parents guiding you. You can participate in individual workouts (trench fight, 40-yard dash). Then it's on to training camp. In Superstar Mode, you control your player — that's it, no one else. If you're the QB, you toss passes or hand off. If you're the wide receiver, you run your routes. And if you're an offensive lineman, you block. Play well enough, you'll end up in the Hall of Fame, with a ceremony at Canton and everything.

Trust me, all this is serious shit to gamers. I can only imagine how many attached dudes are sleeping on the couch this week, dedicating more time to this hallowed vidya' game than to pleasing their better half.

I've only had a chance to skim the game, but I plan on getting down and dirty soon (and probably being kicked to the couch). After all, it's almost NFL regular season time, and thus, time for my annual Houston Texans season prediction, based on my simulated season on Madden. And man, I'm feelin' it this year. -- Steven Devadanam

Courtesy of UT Sports Information

That familiar ass is gone, Mack.

We've gotten some terrific responses to our Big 12 preview. Now, Richard Connelly offers his two cents:

It's great to see that John Nova Lomax, a UT fan, has picked the Longhorns to win the Big 12 this year.

Lomax, who's as knowledgeable a football fan as anyone who actually likes Hall & Oates could ever aspire to be, has fallen victim to that sad malady afflicting every UT fan — mistaking a temporary blip for a permanent condition. (Sort of like the guy who owned the convenience store down the block from me a few years ago: a couple of my brothers visited for a week, resulting in a huge spike in Budweiser sales. I think the guy is still selling off the inventory he gleefully ordered, thumbing through yacht catalogs in anticipation of the Good Times lasting forever.)

UT fans: Vince Young is gone. And Mack Brown is still your coach.

You know how people add the words "in bed" to fortune-cookie predictions to get giggles? ("You will soon enjoy a great success....in bed!") UT fans should add the words "without Vince Young" to every statement about how all the bad (but true) things about Brown have allegedly been erased.

Take Richard Justice's recent column in the Chron and see how it works:

I've come here to ask Mack Brown how his life has changed since that night in Pasadena.

"I don't have to sit around and wonder if I'll ever win a national championship without Vince Young," he said...

Never again should [the critics] say Brown can't win the big one without Vince Young, can't beat Oklahoma without Vince Young, can't win a conference championship without Vince Young, can't win this without Vince Young, can't win that without Vince Young...

He was constantly being compared to Joe Paterno, Steve Spurrier, Bob Stoops. Except they had something Brown didn't. They had won championships without Vince Young....Because he couldn't beat Oklahoma without Vince Young, some took it to mean he wasn't a good coach without Vince Young.

You get the idea. As the college-football preview stories accumulate, remember this handy tip. It'll save you UT fans some heartache. -- Richard Connelly

Courtesy of UT Sports Information

If Colt's the real McCoy, we think UT can repeat.

And now, music editor John Nova Lomax drops the CDs and offers up a little college football prognosticatin'...

This year's Big 12 season is shaping up to be a microcosm of college football in general. Just as no prognosticator has any real grasp on who should be ranked No. 1 at the beginning of this year, any one of several teams could take home whatever it is that they'll be handing out to the winners at Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City this December.

Sure, a few teams have absolutely no shot. Missouri, for example. Now that Brad Smith is finally gone, I can't think of a single player off that team. The same goes for Kansas, but I can't think of anybody off that team from last year, either.

Baylor is getting better but still isn't ready for prime time, though a bowl game is possible. Texas A&M, on the other hand, is getting worse. Anything less than eight wins for the Aggies and their patsy non-conference schedule and mass suicides might ensue in College Station. And it would almost certainly spell the end of the Dennis Franchione experiment. I'm expecting they win exactly eight, though, with none of those wins being exactly glorious.

None of the schools with the word "State" in its name has a chance either. Kansas State is circling the drain, well on its way to its customary pre-Bill Snyder perpetual irrelevance. Oklahoma State needs to wait for the benefits from T. Boon Pickens's $50 trillion cash donation to kick in, and that's still a few years away. And Iowa State is the same ol', same ol' — a bunch of squareheaded cornfed dudes on both lines with names like "Schmeling," "Scherbring," "Tjaden" and "Braaksma" supplemented with whatever skill position scraps their coaches can round up from the inner cities of Omaha, Kansas City, Des Moines and Wichita. Kind of like Nebraska back in its glory days, only mediocre. Don't expect to see them and their Kansas City Chiefs rip-off uniforms playing at Arrowhead this December.

Speaking of the 'Huskers, they seem to be as good a pick as any to win the North. Only they won't. And it's not that winning the Big 12 North is much of an accomplishment -- it's right up there with whipping Paris Hilton at Scrabble. We're thinking here that Colorado repeats. We always liked their new coach Dan Hawkins at Boise State, though we can't say the same about the Buffs or Gary Barnett, their slimeball of a former coach. And did we mention their thuggish fans?

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Courtesy of USC Sports Information

Yes Reg, we know: You could be doing this here...

It's Friday, and I'm already dreading the upcoming Monday Night Football game betwixt the Dallas Cowboys and the New Orleans Saints. It's not just that the thought of having to hear Joe Theismann deftly work a reference in about his Hall of Fame career makes my toenails curl. Nah, it's purely a sports thing.

Should Dallas prevail, everyone will immediately begin beating the Terrell Owens/Bill Parcells thing into the ground. (Same thing if they lose). And you know, there just hasn't been enough coverage of T.O. lately.

And of course, should New Orleans win, it will mostly like be with the help of one Reggie Bush. Mr. Bush, you may recall, was available when a certain NFL team in Houston was picking first in the recent college draft. Bush recently ran for 59 yards on six carries, which suggests he's probably as explosive as some of us thought.

Disgruntled, I visited ESPN's pro football site. I found that you can ask a question of annoying commentator Tony Kornheiser, who's an unfortunate addition to the MNF lineup. Kornheiser apparently picks certain questions to read and answer during the Monday Night broadcast. Curiosity piqued, I left a question for Korn. Here's what ESPN.com let me post:

Hey Tony, this next MNF game presents a conundrum for Houston fans. If Dallas wins, we have to suffer through Cowboys owner Jerry Jones and his pompous, Botoxed grin. If New Orleans wins, we'll just be reminded that we probably should've taken Reggie Bush with the No. 1 pick in the draft. It's a lose-lose situation, no?

Also, have you seen Snakes on a Plane yet? Crazy, huh? --Hopeless in H-town

Okay, Kornheiser, you've got the ball. Don't fumble it. I'll be watching Monday night. -- Steven Devadanam

He shoots, he, um, gets incarcerated.

Houston Rockets head coach Jeff Van Gundy stresses intelligence, good judgement and awareness on the court. It doesn't hurt if his players exhibit the same quality off the court either. Considering former Rockets forward Lonnie Baxter's tomfoolery, it seems a good thing that he was traded this year to the Charlotte Bobcats.

Yesterday, Baxter was arrested by Secret Service after shots were fired about two blocks from the White House. Baxter, 27, and Irvin Martin,35, were charged with carrying a pistol without a license and other firearms charges after spent casings were found in their white sports utility vehicle. Sorry, a gun in a white SUV? Talk about a sports cliche.

Baxter and Martin are currently being held in D.C. Die-hard Rockets fans may remember that Baxter signed with the team of September 8, 2005 and was later traded to the Charlotte Bobcats for Keith Bogans on February 9 of this year. (Bogans is no longer with the Rockets.) At the time, the swap was made strictly for need, but something tells us Coach VG wouldn't take to kindly to his players dabbling with domestic terrorism.

Baxter, who played college hoops at Maryland, isn't currently on the Bobcats' roster; it's speculated that he was going to sign in Italy. Given his current situation, his basketball options seem a bit limited. Here's hoping Bax looks good in a bright orange uniform. — Steven Devadanam

Lone Star Sports & Entertainment

Admit it, the logo is sex-ay...

You know what college football needs? More bowls. And thanks to the pigskin gods, and to the folks at Lone Star Sports & Entertainment, we'll have yet another come Thursday, December 28, at Reliant Stadium. On that hallowed day, teams from the Big 12 and Big East conferences will compete in the (drumroll) ... Texas Bowl. In the future, competing teams will be chosen from the Big 12, Big East and the good ol' Conference USA. They'll also extend an invitation to Texas Christian University, because, well, everyone loves Horned Frogs.

Says Lone Star Sports & Entertainment president Jamey Rootes of da Bowl, which was unveiled today:

"The name 'Texas Bowl' and this mark perfectly communicate our vision for the game, which is to create an annual celebration of the culture, heritage and football tradition of the Lone Star State. We believe we will look back at today's event as the launching pad for the next cherished Houston sports tradition."

Man, take "Texas" and put it into a local football context. Why didn't anyone think of that before? — Steven Devadanam

The Walt Disney Company/Buena Vista Pictures

Now here's a pirate that Pittsburgh should sign.

Last night your Houston Astros took on the clunky Pittsburgh Pirates, in a game that promised to be an easy win. But a 14-1 rout? Aw, hell yeah! Clearly these Pirates needed Johnny Depp. Laugh not, scurvy dog: According to reports, he's available.

Sports fans know that beating up on an inferior team isn't what makes a win like this so rewarding (well, sometimes it is). No, it's that when the Astros play like this, they show glimpses of that playoff team that went World last year. Furthermore, with all due respect to our esteemed catcher, you know it's a great game when Brad Ausmus gets on base.

It's hard to call the best play. Was it Craig Biggio's ding, proving why he's one of the best old guys to ever play the game? Or was it Jason Lane (or as Minute Maid Park announcer Bob Ford calls him, "JAsonLAAANE!") settling into a sleepy sixth inning -- with the team up 12-1 — and blasting a two-run homer that went damn near out of the park? Maybe it was Aubrey Huff going yard twice, capping a night in which he knocked in six RBIs. (We'll say it again: We knew this guy was gonna be freaking good.)

Strike that. The best play of the night was ace Roy Oswalt's first career homer. (Displaying their classic brand of tomfoolery and high jinks, the guys were completely silent when Roy entered the dugout after rounding the bases. Oh, 'Stros, you so kuh-ray-zee.) What else can you say about Oswalt? Not only does the guy have a cannon arm, but he also offers run support. He pitches six winning innings and hits a home run? Hey, why not trade him?

We keed, we keed. Actually, word is that Astros brass is already in preliminary talks with Bob Garber, Roy O's agent, about a long-term deal. (Oh, sure, now.) We're guessing Garber's input will be something like, "Yes, you may belatedly sign my client long-term. Just be prepared to pay out the ass. Have a nice day, chumps!" We're no Jerry Maguire, but that's what we'd be saying.

Anyhoo, the 'Stros clocked in 14 runs (which ties a team record) and six homers. No, it wasn't against the St. Louis Cardinals, but it was a win. A durn good one. We'll see if the home team can bring it like that against the swashbucklers today.

Sighting of the night: A nun in T-shirt and headdress, seriously working over a cup of frozen lemonade. It's the simple pleasures, really. — Steven Devadanam

Everybody else knows that Warren's No. 1.

Watching Warren Moon's acceptance speech during Saturday's NFL Hall of Fame induction ceremonies, I had a flashback. It was December 1990, and my friends and I were at 59 Diner getting food to go. The Houston Oilers were playing the Kansas City Chiefs. It was a blustery day, and one of Moon's deflected passes bobbled and fell to the turf, beyond WR Ernest Givens's hands.

A distinguished, grandfatherly gentleman sitting next to me at the counter heaved a deep, sorrowful sigh. He shook his head and said, "Well, that's what happens with a black quarterback."

It took me a minute to recover from the initial "WTF!!??" We ended up watching the rest of the game there at the restaurant. It just happened to be the game that Moon passed for 527 yards, the second most in the NFL after QB great Norm Van Brocklin. Moon and his receiving crew were spanking the KC defense, so it seemed a perfect time to pad the numbers and cruise into NFL statistical lore.

Thing is, it was the fourth quarter and the game was won. So Moon elected to stay on the bench, rather than toss a few and nab the title for most passing yards ever in a single game. Oh, and the Oilers won.

I wanted to find the old guy, but he was long gone. I wanted to see what he thought of a "black quarterback" doing that. You can bet your ass Troy Aikman would've been on the field.

But that was Warren Moon, and that, unfortunately, was Houston. Any of us who cheered for him on Saturday as he joined the NFL Hall of Fame had to remember (if we were around) that the city turned on him and all but demanded he be cut loose. It was because he was too old, they said. He blew The Game for us. And maybe, though few admit it, it was because he was black.

What he was off the field sometimes left something to be desired. On the field, though, he was a class act. He threw the prettiest ball in NFL history, and he did it for Minnesota, Seattle and Kansas City after we let him go. You know, the old guy. The man we traded for a fourth-round draft pick is now in the Hall of Fame, lauded as the first great black QB of the modern era. And us? Once we ousted him, our team left.

Wow, we sure showed him, didn't we? -- Steven Devadanam